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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually it is also still ad's house too hummingbird.
Since he's the one living there why does doing anything with it look bad on him?
Presuming she left the keys, drive it to her apt. For her and forget about it.
If she didn't leave keys,put something funny on the hood or a plastic bag of garbage that's on it's way out.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She took the keys. Whatever. I just have to choose my battles carefully. I will let this go and win the battle with myself and my emotional reaction.

Thanks, everyone.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't say it wasn't his house also. However since legally it's still hers if he has her car towed from there, moving it or harming it in any fashion is not going to look good for him. I'm sure his lawyer would have given him the same advice. She is doing this to bother him and get him to make stupid mistakes like that.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,

You are right to take the high ground and not do anything with the car. If it's not in the way just ignore it. She's baiting you. She wants you to do something to it to show that you are aggressive and unreasonable.

Picking your battles is the right thing to do


AAS

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:12 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, Aas makes a good point. It's always best to take the high road, esp during custody issues.

Use it. Every time you see it and are reminded of her infidelity, you will be doing it free of her presence. Desensitize.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3025 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD -
You are absolutely doing the proper thing with leaving it alone and pretending it is not there. However I do think you are well within your right to make it abundantly clear that you no longer want her to do this again, and if she does leave it in an incovient spot that you will be forced to have it towed. That is due warning.

She wants to pres whatever buttons she can, and I honestly think as little response as possible is the wisest choice if you were dealing with a rational person. But with her if you don't say anything she will turn it into an inviation to move back into the damn house. She just sees the world in her own sick f'd up way.

Just wanted to say Stay Strong Friend.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone. I no longer trigger about the car. I am over it. Now it's just a car. A small step, but if this had happened a mere few months ago I would still be very emotional. I believe I am healing!

Bu this has also led me to a final decision about the marital home. I've been flip flopping for so long--to stay in the home for the sake of my kids or leave to truly begin my healing and new life.

I will sell the house--assuming STBX agrees. (I'm pretty sure she will, for a number of reasons, and even if she doesn't I can force a sale.)

I realize now that the two above seemingly opposing ideas are not necessarily mutually exclusive: I can begin my new life AND help the kids adjust. If I am ok they will be ok.

I came to this decision for two reasons:

--I know that even if I get the house, STBX will never let it go, even with court orders. She will always consider it "hers" and will haunt and hound me for as long as I and the kids live there. She will not change. She has no boundaries.

--the other day I drove around looking at open houses I can afford, and I was excited about my life for the first time in a year; my future felt like a future.

It will be just what I need--a total casting off, a catharsis. And again, the kids will be fine. I will not move far from the neighborhood so they can always see their friends and I'm sure they will make new ones.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone else that you are doing the right and proper thing by ignoring her car in the driveway this week, as irritating as it must be. If that's the best she can come up with to rile you up, she must be running out of ammunition. That being said, if your street doesn't have good lights, if it were me (and I was a guy) I would be sorely tempted to p*ss at least once on the tires at night. (You know - DARN those stray dogs running the neighborhood!!!)


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 402 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I am engineering minded, I would be very tempted to introduce a latent failure to the car-one that would appear a couple of days later.

Something like partially (but not completely) cutting the supports for the exhaust pipe (muffler in American speak )

She likes to be centre of attention. Let's see how much attention she gets when her muffler is creating a rooster of sparks when driving down the road!


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, AAS! You just told me to take the high ground! Make up your mind! ;-) ;-)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the other day I drove around looking at open houses I can afford, and I was excited about my life for the first time in a year; my future felt like a future.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4212 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! Growth is an amazing thing isn't it? At first when it was mentioned you had a panic attack and could not even imagine it, now that you are far enough along and walked thru the fire and finally see your WS for what she is it seems like perfect sense and you are healing and ready to move on.

Kudos.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have flip flopped so much about the house thing and I made my opinion crystal clear in the beginning. Kids move all the time. Hell my kids are the weird ones be ause they have lived in the same house their whole lives.

I truly believe getting a house that is "your" house will go a long way in setting boundaries with her I also think it will help the kids to have a fresh start as well I imagine there is a fair amount of emotional trauma they can let go of and leave behind in the old house.

You can have fun finding a place with the kids and them doing the work to make their rooms their own and make them more big kid rooms.

Hang in there AD you are going to come out of this a new guy!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made my opinion crystal clear in the beginning.

Thank you, TN: I never forgot that post of yours from way back. It did come back to me over the last week and played a role in my decision.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids adapt. I was thinking about moving earlier this year and I approached DS about it his only concern is would we have a bigger house (we currently live in a 3 bedroom semi). He honestly didn't mind at all. Home to them is where you are.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second this: Home to them is where you are.

Both kids have Tourettes, which has many accompanying comorbidities.

Have both your children made new friends around your STBXW's apartment?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have both your children made new friends around your STBXW's apartment

No. She moved to an apartment complex that is not kid-friendly. No families, mostly seasonal rentals and retirees. But it is on the beach, which is where SHE wanted to be. Her residence was chosen with only herself in mind. This is one reason why the kids don't like being there.

But her lease is up in January and she has indicated she will be renting a house in a regular neighborhood. I hope this is the case for the sake of the children. (No idea if POS will be moving in with her.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But her lease is up in January and she has indicated she will be renting a house in a regular neighborhood.

Have you found out if she's pregnant? Will this mean yet another move with the OM?

Look, I'm resilient! But I think even 3-4 moves in one year would be "too much" for me.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How would you feel if you found a new place and let her buy you out of the house? The kids would still have their neighborhood friends (so being with her wouldn't be so lonely) and you find a new place in the same school district. Bet her head would spin because she is all geared up for the fight. I only suggest this if you are truly comfortable with it.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, I personally am in total agreement with you regarding the house. However, you are in the middle of a custody dispute. What if you did as a moment in time suggested?

Here's what happened to me. It was used against me. She claimed that she would be able to provide a more stable environment for the kids by keeping them in their home.

Talk to your lawyer. BTW, I'm in complete agreement that the best thing(for a multitude of reasons) is for you and the kids to get out and start anew. Just be very careful how you proceed. Do NOT let CSTBXWW know anything about this.

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:13 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3025 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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