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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick opinion. If you know your kids will be around guns, its a good idea to find a gun safety class for kids. A lot of gun shops have them (at least they do in IL). That way, at least your kids will know basic safety i.e. 'Never point it at anything you don't intend to shoot'.

Ideally, the guns should be inaccessible, but just in case...


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

I hope my remarks/suggestions don't do more harm than good, and I hope I don't come across as insensitive of the issues, finances, etc., but here goes:

1. Have you had, upon consultation with the lawyer, an extensive background check (preferably through PI) done on the OM? Including the nature of his arrest, potential facts which would preclude him from being allowed to carry in your state, other arrests (drug use) etc., any facts that raise concern that he should be in presence of (someone else's) children?

2. Are there any guidelines in your state regarding suitable living conditions for children? In my country, a child having his own bed is basically a minimum, for both pyschological development reasons, as well as physical health (sleeping on couches etc. can be hugely detrimental to the spine etc.). Also safekeeping of arms etc.

Perhaps you could, through your lawyer, demand that they comply & ensure suitable & secure living conditions.

Have them ensure that they will have their own bed/privacy needed for a girl/boy of they age. And ensure that any arms must be, at all times, legal&kept safely from all persons except those that have legal permission to them.

///

In my belief (again, I'm not that familiar with family law in your state), but I would advise parents in your position to make sure such concerns are officially raised and decided upon by proper authorities (CPS, courts,...). Even if it is ultimately, in this instance, unsuccessful, it will hopefully force the two of them to be more careful as to what kind of living conditions they provide your children with.

Also, it will provide basis for documentation/pattern in case such circumstances continue and will hopefully make it easier for you if you decide to raise this issue again in a couple of months' time.

Furthermore, you will make certain you have shown utmost care for your children, and will prevent the two of them from saying in the future that "you knew since January 2014 and obviously weren't concerned enough to notify the authorities" etc. And if, god forbid, conditions deteriorate or something happens, you will have known you've tried your best to ensure safety&well being, even if the chances of success were low. And the courts will see that as well.

///

Ultimately, I guess you have to decide the costs vs. benefits of various options. As I see it, the potential costs/backlash is:
- monetary issues
- counter-claims by her regarding your living conditions, her demands for more custody etc.
- more animosity and less willingness on her side to co-parent for the benefit of the kids
- perhaps even try to back off from the current agreements?
- ...?

If the potential costs/fallout is comparatively little, then it's worth trying, imo, even if the chances of succeeding are small.

///
I would suggest you, upon consulting with your lawyer & in accordance with financial reality:
1. Have a background check done on OM
-> if nothing special comes up ->
2. Gather information on state,..., guidelines on living&safety conditions for children of their age
3. Gather information, consult with a counsellor, physician,..., regarding living&safety conditions for your children, taking into account their age and other specific/individual factors
4. Talk to your lawyer about formally requesting assurance from their mother&OM that such conditions are and shall be guaranteed
5. If they fail to either respond/guarantee in a suitable manner or fail to consistently provide such conditions, demand a formal CPS/court evaluation/determination of suitable conditions

And if something worrisome comes up in his background check, that's a totally different situation...

Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been where you're at I think, and there is only so much you can control. I don't think the gun issue will get you anywhere. If you ask the guy nicely about the guns, you might get info or reassurance.

Not having their own beds, now I think you can make an issue out of that. Maybe ask your attorney.

You can look up his nursing license. Drug or alcohol convictions might show up there.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM sent from an avid, long time gun owner with suggestions...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to second that you find a good gun safety class and you and your children attend it. If you go to any gun range and ask the range master, they can probably give you direction as to where you can go. There's probably not a darn thing that you can do about him having guns, but you can at least make sure that your children know enough to recognize safe and unsafe conditions. .


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Skan said.


Not a gun owner, but XH has been for years. NW has a concealed weapons permit and (in my opinion) is crazy. My kids had undergone a safety class at the gunshop that the police use. I found it by asking the resource officer at our school for a recommendation. That was before implosion.

You can't control every environment your kids enter, it's best to give your kids the tools to handle situations that can arise in any environment they find themselves in. It will help with their self esteem and self confidence.

It could go along way to helping them feel some control in a situation where they have little control.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5320 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Hobbes, thanks so much for taking the time with your careful and thorough reply.

This is one of those battles I will put on hold for now. Hobbes, i did VAR my conversation with STBX so if it comes to an ugly head somewhere down the line, I do have some emergency evidence. I will be enlisting a PI to investigate this guy--even if he did not have guns. The bottom line is my young children are residing with a man whom I do not know. And I certainly don't trust my wife's judgement. This is reason enough. And if the PI finds anything I can pursue I will discuss with my attorney.

My prediction is that now she has moved in with him officially it won't take too long --with both of them unemployed, adding to the "real life" they are now experiencing--for this fantasy to sour on its own. But I am not waiting for it; I will take whatever steps necessary to ensure my children are living in a safe (morally and otherwise) environment.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Here is the situation: STBX has the kids today beginning at 8:00 this morning. DD was throwing up all night so I decided to keep her home from school. I texted STBX last night apprising her of the situation (she did not respond until this morning):

"Hi,
I don't know if I want to send DD to school tomorrow, as she just had a big throw-up. No temp, no other symptoms. You have the kids from 8:00 AM. If I decide not to send DD to school, I will wait for you here for you to come for her. Please confirm you received this. Thanks."

Then this morning:

"I am keeping DD home from school. If you want to take her to your home, please come by 8:00 AM. (She is better but I want her to rest and go on the BRAT diet for today.)"

STBX texted just now refusing to get her this morning even though it is her day, instead informing me that she will pick up both kids at school this afternoon. Thus I will now miss a day of work. Do I fight this or just document?

My inclination is to let it go and document.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does the agreement say about days when the children are sick?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1074 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, thanks for the update and your kind words!

I can't write much atm, but I just wanted to post a quick reply.

If I understand correctly, you have the following options:
1. Stay at home with your daughter and take a day off
2. Send daughter to school and go to work


Are there any other options? Can you get anyone to babysit your daughter on such a short notice so you can go to work for at least a couple of hours? How much trouble will you have at work if you take a day off?

If you have someone you trust with your daughter for a couple of hours, I'd look into that. As your stbx didn't come for your daughter, I don't think she can object.

Also, can you consult her doctor over the phone? I'm not sure what your state's system is, but in our country it's quite common for parents/patients to consult their personal doctor (GP?) over the phone. If it's possible&covered by insurance, I would call the doctor and ask for their opinion.

That way, you will get their opinion if your daughter can/should go to school or stay at home, and also important, it will be on record (hopefully)/verifiable that you were the one that called&took action in your daughter's best health interest.

It may seem trivial, but I think every bit of such action could potentially be crucial in any future disputes.


Otherwise (i.e. if you don't have anyone to take care of her, the doc says she has to stay at home/you can't call the doc & you wouldn't have too much trouble at work) I would keep her at home, since she needs rest&probably comfort. I imagine that especially in the period of such emotional turmoil, she needs reassurance that if she's not feeling well, her dad will be there for her and will not send her to school...

Best wishes and speedy recovery!

P.S.: Softcentre is right, it's always important to check what the agreement (& State's general guidelines, if applicable) states.

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 6:30 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does the agreement say about days when the children are sick?

Exactly, all of this shit has to be CARVED IN STONE. No wiggle room here.

What would a normal person do? 'Thanks for the heads up, I'll (take off work, call emergency babysitter, try to get doc appt, let her go to school and throw up all over them so they send her home anyway, ....). I'll keep you posted on her status.'

Your CSTBXWW: 'blah blah blah tra la la doesn't fit in to rainbow land YOU do it'

Yeah. Check your agreement and check with your lawyer. Maybe there's still a chance at fine tuning. Otherwise, make sure that you follow the agreement to. the. letter. She can get NO wiggle room AT. ALL.

You know this will not be the first shit to hit the fan........

((((AD)))) ((((DD)))) ((((DS))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slightly off topic, but do you "back-up" your texts with an email (stating the same as the texts), just to avoid her potentially claiming that she didn't "receive the particular text in question" in any future custody disputes etc.?

P.S.: You're doing great in all of this!

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 6:35 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX texted just now refusing to get her this morning even though it is her day, instead informing me that she will pick up both kids at school this afternoon.

Is she says she wants you to take her to school?


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Document the hell out of this. Yet another reason your WW should not get 50/50 or anything even close to it. She is out of work and yet still refuses to take care of her sick child. What kind of mother is she?? Just for reference, read ShellyBean's post in Off Topic. She is very upset because her DD is sick and she does not have any more time off so she HAS to go to work. Compare that to your cold hearted WW's attitude.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the quick responses!

I have taken DD to work with me. She is not ill enough to merit a doctor's visit. (She just needs the BRAT diet for at least today.)

I found nothing in the temporary parenting plan that is reflective of this particular situation. I have emailed my attorney apprising her of the situation.

STBX only said that if I have decided to keep her home, she would pick up both kids after school.

I screen capture all texts. I will, however, follow up with a "memorializing" email.

Note: STBX is unemployed. Assuming she is not pounding the pavement today, it is depressing that a mother would not jump at the chance to take care of her sick six-year-old.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
betrayedfriend
♀ Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even imagine, but then again, I think the term mother implies someone who would go through hell or high water to ensure that her children were well loved, provided for and knew how wanted they were. If any of my kids are sick ( which is pretty much 24/7 with this weather) I am cuddling them, comforting them and letting them rest and relax. I'm a SAHM, but I put everything on the back burner when my kids are sick, they are the priority not anything else. By my opinion, your stbx fits the role of a babysitter who happens to have biological connection. She views her time with the kids as babysitting for you. Which actually says a lot, even she recognizes that you're the more capable parent. I hope your sweet dd feels better soon and that ds doesn't catch her bug.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that DD isn't reacting to all of the stress and that is why she is "sick". I believe you said she was the quiet one. Help her to find a way to get her thoughts out, through art, drawing, playing with dolls with her. Anything that might get her to open up.

My step kids would pull the "sick" card to stay with their father when their mother would act up.

Just another thought to consider. (like you needed another one!)


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 738 | Registered: Feb 2011
Sakaro
New Member
Member # 41616
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a time set in stone when custody alternates between parents. If your daughter stayed with you last night, I really think the responsibility of care should fall on you until her school day is over.

But since she is suddenly unemployeed you would think she could step up and take care of her child...but if she had any morals you wouldnt be here


Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she says she wants you to take her to school?

No: She simply texted that if I want to keep her home she will pick up both kids at 2:00 (after school).

Standingonmarble,

This is not psychosomatic. DD has always had a delicate stomach, throwing up at least once a day since birth. (Did the whole battery of GI tests; nothing found.) She only stopped a few years ago, but still throws up when she gets even a cold. She is now sleeping on my office floor at work :-)

Thanks!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Dec 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Note: STBX is unemployed. Assuming she is not pounding the pavement today, it is depressing that a mother would not jump at the chance to take care of her sick six-year-old.

Document and file.

If you can prove that she is out of work on X day, then you can back this missed time up by saying so. That X was not working and could have taking the child as normally schedule - she CHOOSE not to and you then had to make special arrangments for your daughter.

Abbandad - As much as it pisses you off and ticks you off that she is not pulling her weight and being a mom, you are going to give yourself a coronary if you continue to try and and get her to be a mom.

You know she will not step up - so when things like this happen, just pretend you are a single parent (not a stretch i know) and move forward.

Your kids, they will know how much you did for them. They will see how little she did, and in the end, they will make their choices.

((AD))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
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