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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regardless your DD has the wrong idea so set the record straight. DD does not need the gory details. She just needs to know that mommy will always be mommy but she is your wife also and mommy broke the rules about being a wife...repeatedly broke those rules. No details.

Agreed. I know for a fact that my ex was telling the kids that this divorce was all my fault. They told me so! They told the counselors - both counselors. I have had to set them straight, the counselors have had to set them straight. Ex told them that since I was the one who filed, since I was the one who wanted the divorce, it's all my fault. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. I made it happen. And technically that's true. However, he always leaves out the parts about him, and does his best to lead the kids down the path of him the victim, me the Bad Guy.

I will not let a lie and half-truth like that fester in my children's minds unchallenged by me. I will combat every lie I discover with the truth. ABD, you shouldn't let lies sit unchallenged. You can give your children age-appropriate truth. You must.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, do not let the lies take on a life of their own. Combat them now or they will set the stage of estrangement with your kids when they are older and have had years of lies piled upon them.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask, are both of your kids going to counselling (through paid or school) or and/or support groups?

Yes, both kids (mostly DS, 9) have been in therapy since we separated. Both are on meds. DS loves his psychologist, but DD (6) is a little less enthusiastic. Not sure how much it has helped. Plus I am not happy with his psychologist's response to my son's distress at having to spend time with STBX's boyfriend.

I expressed to the doc that I believe this is much too soon and that my son has expressed clearly to me that he is distressed at this. His doc told me that he told my DS that "he is sure mommy's friend is very nice and it just means that there will be one more person in his life who loves him."

Don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I call BS. I put my ego aside and I still call BS.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can give your children age-appropriate truth. You must.

DS already knows the truth, which is why he is distressed at having to be with STBX's boyfriend.

DD is six, so I don't know... If I tell her (in age-appropriate terms) the truth, she will report it to STBX and it will, it seems to me, merely result in poisoning our already-difficult co-parenting relationship. I am trying to avoid the "good guy/bad girl" thing. I have attempted to calmly discuss this matter with STBX and she launched into an attack on me, resulting with me hanging up.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

I let myself get drawn into a long phone-talk with STBX today. She is in full hoover mode: scared to death as divorce finalities loom and is hitting me with everything she's got:

"I love you."
"I miss you."
"I've been doing a lot of soul-searching."
"Do you still love me?"

All words I have heard before.

But I did express myself and amazingly she let me talk. I essentially launched (calmly) a full year of SI postings at her. (Nothing that could be used against me, BTW.)

I told her:

"I love the woman I thought you were, the one who was not capable of doing what you have done to me."

"I refuse to take any responsibility for your infidelity. I take 50% of the responsibility for any problems in the marriage that might have set the stage for this, but everything after D-day is on you. You own 100% of your destructive decisions."

"You have emotionally abused me for over a year."

"If you can attempt to empathize for even a minute and picture the shoe on the other foot, you know that if I'd done to you what you've done to me, you would have committed suicide by now. But I do not believe you are capable of empathy."

"Everything you are saying now you have said before. Over and over. Nothing you are saying is different."

"You need to take a long time to figure out why you did what you did--and presumably are still doing--and expect that I would not divorce you."

"I do not believe you love or miss me. I think you are scared. I think something happened between you and OM and you are scared of being without either of us."

Most telling: I did not get one "I'm sorry," much less any indication that she is ending or has ended her relationship with OM. Not that it matters at this point. It would be too little, too late.

In other news during the course of the conversation. (I do not know if I can believe her...since she lies.

--She said she is NOT pregnant nor would she, and the reason DD told me that she mommy is having a baby is all on DD--that DD frequently expressed that she wants a baby sister.

I call bullshit. DD said explicitly to me that mommy is having a baby with OM and she can be her mommy-helper. Plus, why did she take the bassinette?

I believe that STBX either had a miscarriage, an abortion (if so, this would be her second with OM), or that she planned or is planning to have a child with him.

--STBX claims she does not know where she will be residing when her lease is up in less than a month. Nice fact to go into mediation or trial with, huh?

If either or both of the above are true, then that tells me (along with her hoovering) that all is not well in unicorn land. That she is not moving in with him and she doesn't know where she will be living tells me he is not the knight she thought he was, or he would be working his ass off trying to find a place for her.

He is likely pissed about the lack-of-baby, or that she decided not to move in with him, or that he doesn't want her to move in with him...

Anyway, you get the idea.

In any case, the divorce will proceed.

Thoughts? Possible 2x4's?

I need to keep my distance between now and January 7 (mediation), as she will be ratcheting it up for sure. She is a total trainwreck.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mention your
co-parenting relationship.
There's no such thing as coparenting with a person like your stbx.

You might be able to parallel parent, if you're lucky.

Most likely, YOU'LL do all the parenting, then pick up the pieces and try to repair the damage when your kids come back from being with her.

If you have the expectation of effectively coparenting with a personality-disordered woman, you will be as bitterly disappointed as you were with the way in which your marriage ended.

If I were your attorney and caught wind that you were having the kind of conversation you just described, you'd find yourself without representation. AD, talks like that are dangerous.

Don't for ONE SECOND think that that vile woman really feels the things she says she does. She's angling to find your Achilles' heel so she can shoot it in court.

Stop. Talking. To. Her. You have an attorney to do that for you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second that, Stop talking to her. Parenting Business stuff only. You can tell her what you think of her AFTER the divorce is final.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second that, Stop talking to her. Business stuff only. You can tell her what you think of her AFTER the divorce is final.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I am being deposed by STBX's attorney the day after mediation. (STBX will be offering her deposition to my attorney as well.)

What can I expect? What should I watch out for? How can I best be prepared?

Thank you!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this instance, I say stick to very short "Yes" or "No" answers. Elaborate as little as possible, so that they have nothing to twist and use against you.

ETA: For your upcoming meeting with your STBX lawyer, that is.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:58 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6456 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you even responding to her fishing attempts? She doesn't deserve to know "if you still love" her.

She doesn't need to know anything about you or your feelings... She lost that right.

No contact man. No contact.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is trying to gauge how much influence she still has with you. Do you still love her, etc. She is testing for weakness and how she can take advantage of it. Your court date is looming and she isn't confident she can dictate her terms in court.

If she has an abortion before, probably AP doesn't want children and he asked her to do this, again.

As for living arrangements, if her lease is up in a month, she has some idea where she is going, but not sharing. Or she has it in her head she will be moving back into your home and you will be out. She isn't tipping her hand. Watch your back. She is coming after you, but not with love and affection. She is coming with both barrels loaded. She was just trying to soften you up for the kill.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depositions are not fun, but they're no biggie.

Keep answers to "yes," "no," "I don't recall" (translation: at one time, I knew, but I don't remember at this moment), and "I don't know" (translation: I never knew).

Stay cool. If you need a break, ask for one. (When I've been depped, I've asked MY attorney, nicely, when I need a break.)

Remember that opposing counsel will be assessing how you will do on the stand, if the case goes to trial.

Give him little to work with. He may or may not try to rattle you.

If he asks a question that seems bait-like, pause for a moment before answering; your attorney may object.

Have a bottle of water. If you need to collect yourself before answering, pause and take a sip of water. (Keep the cap screwed on; it will buy you more thinking time :)). Bonus: it gives you an excuse to go to the bathroom if you really need to collect yourself.)

If you don't understand a question (and sometimes questions are intentionally phrased to make them confusing), ask for it to be rephrased.

Avoid eye contact with sbtx. Just focus on the questions.

If there is a break, ask if there is somewhere you can go that she cannot also go. (It sucks to hang out in the hallway with your legal opponent present.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Even as the love-bombing continues, neighbor X told me that some months ago STBX told her that I raped her and darkly warned her that X's kids and mine are not safe with me as "she does not know what I am capable of."

I predicted she would pull this card as her desperation grows. Bizarre lie of course but very disturbing. I have emailed my attorney giving her the heads up--to expect anything.

I have my stacks of documentation as well as my witnesses primed and ready.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did this neighbor reveal this now? S/he has known for several months?! Odd.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:50 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Lord, she is sicker than I thought. She has been working her smear campaign longer than anyone thought. Better do some research /google on "smear campaigns" so you can be prepared for some crazy stuff. It can be complicated to explain some of the lengths crazy can go to but they rely on plausibility and a shred of truth to plant ideas into people's heads to sway them to their side.

Does this neighbor believe it? Can this neighbor still be a reliable witness for you?


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: smear campaigns: my stbx started his years--seriously, years before d-day. Years.

If it's true she was approaching neighbors months ago, you might want to do a little more digging.

Who's on HER witness list? Who has she swayed?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this neighbor believe it? Can this neighbor still be a reliable witness for you?

She absolutely does not believe it. She now refuses to talk to my STBX, understanding just how toxic she is. She also has offered to testify. I already have my three compelling witnesses, but I will keep her in mind as specific to the rape allegation (I can't even believe I typed that phrase).

I think she waited so long to tell me simply because she didn't believe it and thus didn't think it would come to anything and telling me it would only hurt me. It's when I told her of the recent love-bombing that she was surprised since STBX had told her horrible things about me.

I am a bit reluctant to use this person as she is very young and really not very bright. Quite ditzy in fact and easily manipulated. My three witnesses are shrewd, experienced, and hard-as-nails.

Anyway two weeks until mediation. I am keeping my distance as I predict rapid cycling in my NPD. I am ready for anything.

STBX has been called to offer her deposition following mediation, as have I.

I am sure she is shitting bricks at this and I hope it will help compel her to settle at mediation.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of curiousity -- what is the thought process for doing the depositions *after* mediation instead of before?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the aims of mediation is to keep costs down. Depositions are costly. They involve paying attorneys, court reporters, and (some) witnesses. They involve travel costs, overhead, copying fees, etc., etc., etc.

So they aren't done unless mediation fails.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8727 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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