Regardless your DD has the wrong idea so set the record straight. DD does not need the gory details. She just needs to know that mommy will always be mommy but she is your wife also and mommy broke the rules about being a wife...repeatedly broke those rules. No details.
Agreed. I know for a fact that my ex was telling the kids that this divorce was all my fault. They told me so! They told the counselors - both counselors. I have had to set them straight, the counselors have had to set them straight. Ex told them that since I was the one who filed, since I was the one who wanted the divorce, it's all my fault. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. I made it happen. And technically that's true. However, he always leaves out the parts about him, and does his best to lead the kids down the path of him the victim, me the Bad Guy.
I will not let a lie and half-truth like that fester in my children's minds unchallenged by me. I will combat every lie I discover with the truth. ABD, you shouldn't let lies sit unchallenged. You can give your children age-appropriate truth. You must.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
May I ask, are both of your kids going to counselling (through paid or school) or and/or support groups?
Yes, both kids (mostly DS, 9) have been in therapy since we separated. Both are on meds. DS loves his psychologist, but DD (6) is a little less enthusiastic. Not sure how much it has helped. Plus I am not happy with his psychologist's response to my son's distress at having to spend time with STBX's boyfriend.
I expressed to the doc that I believe this is much too soon and that my son has expressed clearly to me that he is distressed at this. His doc told me that he told my DS that "he is sure mommy's friend is very nice and it just means that there will be one more person in his life who loves him."
Don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I call BS. I put my ego aside and I still call BS.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
You can give your children age-appropriate truth. You must.
DS already knows the truth, which is why he is distressed at having to be with STBX's boyfriend.
DD is six, so I don't know... If I tell her (in age-appropriate terms) the truth, she will report it to STBX and it will, it seems to me, merely result in poisoning our already-difficult co-parenting relationship. I am trying to avoid the "good guy/bad girl" thing. I have attempted to calmly discuss this matter with STBX and she launched into an attack on me, resulting with me hanging up.
I let myself get drawn into a long phone-talk with STBX today. She is in full hoover mode: scared to death as divorce finalities loom and is hitting me with everything she's got:
"I love you."
"I miss you."
"I've been doing a lot of soul-searching."
"Do you still love me?"
All words I have heard before.
But I did express myself and amazingly she let me talk. I essentially launched (calmly) a full year of SI postings at her. (Nothing that could be used against me, BTW.)
I told her:
"I love the woman I thought you were, the one who was not capable of doing what you have done to me."
"I refuse to take any responsibility for your infidelity. I take 50% of the responsibility for any problems in the marriage that might have set the stage for this, but everything after D-day is on you. You own 100% of your destructive decisions."
"You have emotionally abused me for over a year."
"If you can attempt to empathize for even a minute and picture the shoe on the other foot, you know that if I'd done to you what you've done to me, you would have committed suicide by now. But I do not believe you are capable of empathy."
"Everything you are saying now you have said before. Over and over. Nothing you are saying is different."
"You need to take a long time to figure out why you did what you did--and presumably are still doing--and expect that I would not divorce you."
"I do not believe you love or miss me. I think you are scared. I think something happened between you and OM and you are scared of being without either of us."
Most telling: I did not get one "I'm sorry," much less any indication that she is ending or has ended her relationship with OM. Not that it matters at this point. It would be too little, too late.
In other news during the course of the conversation. (I do not know if I can believe her...since she lies.
--She said she is NOT pregnant nor would she, and the reason DD told me that she mommy is having a baby is all on DD--that DD frequently expressed that she wants a baby sister.
I call bullshit. DD said explicitly to me that mommy is having a baby with OM and she can be her mommy-helper. Plus, why did she take the bassinette?
I believe that STBX either had a miscarriage, an abortion (if so, this would be her second with OM), or that she planned or is planning to have a child with him.
--STBX claims she does not know where she will be residing when her lease is up in less than a month. Nice fact to go into mediation or trial with, huh?
If either or both of the above are true, then that tells me (along with her hoovering) that all is not well in unicorn land. That she is not moving in with him and she doesn't know where she will be living tells me he is not the knight she thought he was, or he would be working his ass off trying to find a place for her.
He is likely pissed about the lack-of-baby, or that she decided not to move in with him, or that he doesn't want her to move in with him...
Anyway, you get the idea.
In any case, the divorce will proceed.
Thoughts? Possible 2x4's?
I need to keep my distance between now and January 7 (mediation), as she will be ratcheting it up for sure. She is a total trainwreck.
You might be able to parallel parent, if you're lucky.
Most likely, YOU'LL do all the parenting, then pick up the pieces and try to repair the damage when your kids come back from being with her.
If you have the expectation of effectively coparenting with a personality-disordered woman, you will be as bitterly disappointed as you were with the way in which your marriage ended.
If I were your attorney and caught wind that you were having the kind of conversation you just described, you'd find yourself without representation. AD, talks like that are dangerous.
Don't for ONE SECOND think that that vile woman really feels the things she says she does. She's angling to find your Achilles' heel so she can shoot it in court.
Stop. Talking. To. Her. You have an attorney to do that for you.
I am being deposed by STBX's attorney the day after mediation. (STBX will be offering her deposition to my attorney as well.)
What can I expect? What should I watch out for? How can I best be prepared?
ETA: For your upcoming meeting with your STBX lawyer, that is.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:58 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
She doesn't need to know anything about you or your feelings... She lost that right.
No contact man. No contact.
If she has an abortion before, probably AP doesn't want children and he asked her to do this, again.
As for living arrangements, if her lease is up in a month, she has some idea where she is going, but not sharing. Or she has it in her head she will be moving back into your home and you will be out. She isn't tipping her hand. Watch your back. She is coming after you, but not with love and affection. She is coming with both barrels loaded. She was just trying to soften you up for the kill.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
Keep answers to "yes," "no," "I don't recall" (translation: at one time, I knew, but I don't remember at this moment), and "I don't know" (translation: I never knew).
Stay cool. If you need a break, ask for one. (When I've been depped, I've asked MY attorney, nicely, when I need a break.)
Remember that opposing counsel will be assessing how you will do on the stand, if the case goes to trial.
Give him little to work with. He may or may not try to rattle you.
If he asks a question that seems bait-like, pause for a moment before answering; your attorney may object.
Have a bottle of water. If you need to collect yourself before answering, pause and take a sip of water. (Keep the cap screwed on; it will buy you more thinking time :)). Bonus: it gives you an excuse to go to the bathroom if you really need to collect yourself.)
If you don't understand a question (and sometimes questions are intentionally phrased to make them confusing), ask for it to be rephrased.
Avoid eye contact with sbtx. Just focus on the questions.
If there is a break, ask if there is somewhere you can go that she cannot also go. (It sucks to hang out in the hallway with your legal opponent present.)
Even as the love-bombing continues, neighbor X told me that some months ago STBX told her that I raped her and darkly warned her that X's kids and mine are not safe with me as "she does not know what I am capable of."
I predicted she would pull this card as her desperation grows. Bizarre lie of course but very disturbing. I have emailed my attorney giving her the heads up--to expect anything.
I have my stacks of documentation as well as my witnesses primed and ready.
[This message edited by solus sto at 12:50 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]
Does this neighbor believe it? Can this neighbor still be a reliable witness for you?
If it's true she was approaching neighbors months ago, you might want to do a little more digging.
Who's on HER witness list? Who has she swayed?
Does this neighbor believe it? Can this neighbor still be a reliable witness for you?
She absolutely does not believe it. She now refuses to talk to my STBX, understanding just how toxic she is. She also has offered to testify. I already have my three compelling witnesses, but I will keep her in mind as specific to the rape allegation (I can't even believe I typed that phrase).
I think she waited so long to tell me simply because she didn't believe it and thus didn't think it would come to anything and telling me it would only hurt me. It's when I told her of the recent love-bombing that she was surprised since STBX had told her horrible things about me.
I am a bit reluctant to use this person as she is very young and really not very bright. Quite ditzy in fact and easily manipulated. My three witnesses are shrewd, experienced, and hard-as-nails.
Anyway two weeks until mediation. I am keeping my distance as I predict rapid cycling in my NPD. I am ready for anything.
STBX has been called to offer her deposition following mediation, as have I.
I am sure she is shitting bricks at this and I hope it will help compel her to settle at mediation.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
So they aren't done unless mediation fails.