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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop asking your children what you soon-to-be-exwife is up to.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, don't ask your kids.

And too many words, in your letter to your attorney. Brevity is the soul of wit. Too many words, and it won't be read.

Attorney,

Can we ascertain STBX's post-divorce living arrangement plans? Knowing this--in particular, whether there are bedrooms for the kids--will inform my decisions.

Thanks,

AD


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forcing me out after she has moved out twice would be emotionally catastrophic for the children. I am not being hyperbolic.

Divorce is scary for ALL involved -- parents AND children -- because change involves the unknown. Fear and anxiety are common.

But I encourage you not to hide your emotions behind those of your children.

Here on SI I've never heard of a single instance of the resident spouse being "forced out" of the family home, i.e. a "swap" where one packs a suitcase and leaves to be "replaced" when the other moves in. Never! (Doesn't mean it's never happened, just statistically rare. Selling the family home due to an equitable split of assets after divorce is commonplace, however. ) If this is YOUR fear, then you need to own it.

You're the adult. With a Ph.D. No matter what happens, you will be able to provide a roof over your head and your children's head.

Name YOUR fear. Own it!

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:57 AM, December 20th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't there usually a clause or something in the paperwork that says a parent can't have a boyfriend/girlfriend stay the night when the minor children are present? Of course, I don't know how one can enforce that, or if there are any consequences to breaking that rule. XH had OW over all of the time during/after our divorce.

They are *still* all sleeping in the same bed??? Does she have beds/bedrooms for them to sleep in at her current place?? Isn't that a requirement for over-night visits?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone:

Just dropped off the kids.

It has begun: STBX came out of her car crying and headed toward me to hug me:

"I miss you," she sobbed.

I backed away.

"Why haven't you been willing to talk to me?"

Silence from me.

"My mom has asked if she can call you."

Silence.

"A lot has changed. A lot. Please talk to me."

Me: "I don't want to talk about us. There is no more us."

She cries some more and pleads to talk to me.

Kids interrupt, and I drive off.

I sense that karma has arrived early for Xmas.

I saw her mask for what it was--a mask. I will not weaken. She will not be granted a second chance to destroy me.

Still, wish me strength please.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, she is one hot mess. Stay strong AD. You can do this.

Big huge mojo coming your way to survive the next month.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17551 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, I wish you had this VARed and sent to the OM voicemail!!! LMAO!!!!

Anyway,,,one time my uncle called my Dad drunk because he needed help getting home from whatever bar in whatever town he was in. My Dad really didnt' know what to do,, so he called AA. The person answering said,,, don't take any more of his calls. He knows where help is if he really wants help. What your brother wants now is someone to help him fix the current pickle he is in,,, and if you do that,, he will never get and live a sober life.

So, Abbondad, keep your focus on you tonight. She wants you to fix her current problem, and it's not really your problem -- even if you were happily married, some problems a person has to get help and really work a program for months ---like you have been doing... So,, Chill, find a hot tub to get into and enjoy being kid free for the night. If she really is wanting to do something to help her kids and her life,, she will do it.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done for avoiding the Plague Virus on Two Legs!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, I wish you had this VARed and sent to the OM voicemail!!!

Funny you should say this: I did VAR the whole thing and I JUST NOW told my brother that I am sorely tempted to call the OM and tell him to please keep his girlfriend away from me.

I assume that he has dumped her or she is getting the impression he will, now that reality is setting in and he realizes what exactly he would be inheriting (and moving into his bachelor pad): a seriously disturbed woman with two kids.

He likely refused to have her move in and she is freaking out at her fantasy world crumbling. Masks have come off--both his and hers--and she is turning back to me for previously-dependable narcissistic supply.

Dear Karma, thank you thank you thank you.

And you better believe I will use her terror of going to trial (she basically told me this) to press my advantage at mediation.

My next prediction: total emotional breakdown, possible suicide attempt and hospitalization, in which case I will petition for full custody.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These WSs don't realize how badly they gutted us, and there is NO WAY we're handing the knife back to them. Sucks to be her.

Stay strong and stay on the path you have found for yourself. It leads to happiness for you and DKs. There is no room for CSTBXWW.

ETcorrect typos.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:34 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These WSs don't realize how badly they gutted us, and there is NO WAY we're handing the knife back to them. Sucks to be her.
Stay strong and stay on the path you have found for yourself. It leads to happiness for you and DKs. There is no room for CSTBXWW.

This is so true!


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After your children come back from visitation, then send him the message.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly hope this is some kind of consequence but dint count your chickens.....

Know that she swings from hate to love and back again with you. She'll be doing this with POS too.

Skype me if you want to chat. im here all day


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done for avoiding the Plague Virus on Two Legs!

^^This put a smile on my face.

You are a true warrior ADad. Enjoy your weekend.

Peace....


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know that she swings from hate to love and back again with you. She'll be doing this with POS too.

I know.

My "karma buzz" has dwindled and I feel pretty sad and a bit rattled. Just two weeks ago she was still blameshifting, referring to the "damage WE caused," and now it's "I miss you"? NPD play book, I am aware, but it still hurts.

Such a needless tragedy, mine and everyone's on this site.

Oh, and I didn't clarify: she did this in FRONT of the kids. In my previous post I indicated that the kids interrupted her, but that was a minute or so after she'd come up to my car window to continue with her show. When she came out of her car with arms out saying tearfully that she missed me, the kids witnessed this. I am quite angry at this. They are especially vulnerable now at Xmas time, with both of them upset that we won't be having a family Xmas.

Seeing me physically back away from her had to have had an impact.

(A few nights ago, DD said,she was angry with me because "You broke up with mommy." Is this what she is feeding them?? Am I the bad guy to them?)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm so sorry for what's happening to you and the kids.

May I ask, are both of your kids going to counselling (through paid or school) or and/or support groups?

Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD,

This may not be needed info now, but when I was going through the child custody part of divorce, the child custody mediation person point blank told STBXWH that if DS were to have any overnights with him I would need exact address of the home and I would have the right to inspect the home/bedroom where DS would be sleeping.

FYI, you should ask your lawyer if that is true where you are at also.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exWW called me very drunk a week before my new marriage, asking for me back. Eventually it just become annoying.

If you let them know, in very blunt terms, that such behavior is hurtful and inappropriate, they usually get the message.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exWW called me very drunk a week before my new marriage, asking for me back. Eventually it just become annoying.

If you let them know, in very blunt terms, that such behavior is hurtful and inappropriate, they usually get the message.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few nights ago, DD said,she was angry with me because "You broke up with mommy." Is this what she is feeding them?? Am I the bad guy to them?
Regardless your DD has the wrong idea so set the record straight. DD does not need the gory details. She just needs to know that mommy will always be mommy but she is your wife also and mommy broke the rules about being a wife...repeatedly broke those rules. No details.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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