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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Kajem. I am considering working until I am 100 and then killing myself. :-)

Another news flash: found out through a mutual friend that STBX is planning to move in with AP at the end of January when her lease is up. (She told the mutual friend not to tell anyone.)

This helps clarify why she is suddenly so desperate to settle and why she wants to put our children's childhood home up for sale immediately. If I move she could make the argument that her "home" is just as suitable as mine. Note: her AP lives in a small bachelor pad at a yacht club with no kids around. Nice.

He also just bought it last year and I doubt is keen to move.

So now I am rethinking moving--or certainly not moving for awhile, as it tips things in my favor for majority custody:

They would live far away from the children's home and school.
I provide a much more emotionally stable environment for the children.

The main thing is not to be rushed. Problem is, we have a trial date very soon: January 24. So what to do, what to do....

(Just emailed my attorney this latest revelation--the exact plans of STBX's residency AFTER the trial date.)

Thoughts?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, that's what I and others were getting at before. Plan on keeping it status quo for now. Stay in the house. Plan on moving summer 2015 or so. Divorce will be done, the house will be yours and the equity will be yours. You are keeping everything stable for the kids, and you tied up everything with her without the house coming into play and her being able to use it against you.

I don't understand why your lawyer isn't counter proposing her proposal with something way in your favour. If your STBXW wants to avoid court, she will counter with something closer to realistic. I don't think your lawyer should just throw up her hands until the court date, and scare you saying the judge is a hard ass. I think she should push your STBXW now,and see what happens.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5475 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you request that she do a supervised pregnancy test? Then,if it's positive, delay until you can get a DNA test to determine paternity? By that time everything would be out in the open. Or do you just want it all over with?

My concern is that even if you're divorced, she could still either sting you for CS or you'd have to go to court again to make sure you don't have parental responsibility - unless there is a DNA test.

ETA:

Could you allow her to deny pregnancy in court, then present the reasons for your suspicions and that you believe she has perjured herself (which would help the D settlement go in your favour)and request a supervised pregnancy test?

[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:21 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 979 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heading to hearing in which her attorney will argue against the need for Temporary Relief hearing next week. (Crucial that this occur). I don't have to be there but I am going. I want to see how my attorney argues and to get a "lay of the land." I assume my STBX will not be there. She will be pissed when her attorney informs her that I was present.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck AD!


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck and mountains of court mojo


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Luck, Dad


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mojo!


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25292 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did not prevail. The judge struck down immediately our argument that the Temporary Relief hearing stands. It is cancelled. He based this on the closeness of the trial date--1/24. Ignored my attorney's attempts to explain why this hearing date should stand.

It was that all the judge cared about was scheduling.

Very disappointed to say the least.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I was feeling quite in despair following this morning's ruling. But I have refound my anger and am resolved to go to trial if need be--which I assume is an inevitability given STBX's refusal at mediation to concede to anything other than what she wants.

Final mediation is 1/9. Trial is 1/24.

I emailed my attorney with my non-negotiables: 60/40 model timesharing (every other weekend) and I either buy her out of the home or we put the home up for sale--but not until the kids are done with the school year.

(Financials I am open to discussion as long as it is a fair split.)

Her "offer" is SHE buys ME out of the home she left a year ago or we put the home on the market immediately. This proves that she has absolutely no regard for our children's emotional stability, as both scenarios would be distressing to them--especially the former, which is utterly unacceptable to me.

She is moving in with her boyfriend at the end of January--after the trial. I am hoping this will add to my leverage, as her living arrangement is clearly less advantageous to the children than mine, which is them living at least for awhile longer with me and my rock-steady job in their childhood home where I have been their primary caregiver.

My neighbors are ready to be subpoenaed. They will offer powerful testimony.

I have fought too long and too hard to give in now. If I cave to her demands at mediation I know I will always second guess myself that I did not give it my all for my children.

Lots of unknowns (clearly the judge being the big one) but the worst case scenario, as I see it, is 50/50.

Thank you for your support as I (hopefully) head toward the home stretch.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I look at this stuff and I think to myself... "Why does everyone HAVE to constantly be in a romantic relationship, even to the detriment of their kids?" (re the wife and her boyfriend)

....


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 826 | Registered: Nov 2012
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I had some advice for you AD but this is well beyond my experience now, but I'm thinking of you mate and I know you'll get through this. Strength.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a sad fact that judges consider schedules as more important than the well being of the children.

I suppose it is only a month away, give or take.


I'm sure it will all sort itself out in your children's favour (and yours)


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 682 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Argh!!!

I have had the kids for seven days. And will have them another five. (STBX's job, as well as my insisting I have them this weekend).

She just called (speaker phone). DD said, "I want to be with you." STBX replied, "I wanted to be with you too, but Daddy wanted to be with you this weekend." Nice coparenting, huh? Alienate much?

So of course DD freaked out after, saying "I want Mommy."

Then she ASKS DS which he prefers--Xmas Eve with me or Xmas day with her. 1) I have told her for TWO months I would like them with me Xmas Eve. 2) she circumvents ME--doesn't even confer with me--and puts HIM on the spot. Fucking piss poor excuse for a mother and a clueless, rotten co-parent.

Then DD gets on the phone and starts pleading that she wants Xmas with both of us and why can't we. At this, I left the room as I did not want to hear her reply.

THEN STBX sent me an email chastising ME for "not being flexible" and for hindering communication between the two of us because I won't talk to her on the phone.

(Correct. Every time I have attempted to talk to her she tries to bully me to concede to her demands and it ends up with one of us hanging up on the other.)

The audacity is astounding. I emailed her back. I was polite but pointed out her lies (without using that word) and bcc'd my attorney. Also she "snarled" at me in her email for "constantly going through attorneys, which is not good coparenting."

Fuck that. She had her chance without attorneys.

Just needed to vent. Thank you. January 7 (final mediation) or January 24 (trial) can't come soon enough.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just called (speaker phone). DD said, "I want to be with you." STBX replied, "I wanted to be with you too, but Daddy wanted to be with you this weekend." Nice coparenting, huh? Alienate much

How fucking dare she. Document the date, time, and exact words.

SO pissed for you.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17295 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have jumped in and said "That's right, I wanted you this weekend and Mommy's turn in next weekend, that way we keep it fair for you DD." Not much she could have said without looking unfair. The kids are looking to both of you to still be parents and be in charge of their lives. They are too young to be in control. Don't let STBX twist this to the best of your ability.

What you permit you promote. You need to start preparing the kids for bouncing back and forth and how that is the only way to be fair to them, because you all won't be spending time as a family anymore. Did you get the book Divorce Poison yet? She is playing the games and being blatant about it because you won't correct her in front of the kids. As long as you are factual she can't come back on you for PAS'ing the kids. Be calm, factual and set it straight every time she tries this with the kids in front of you. Once she realizes you will do this, she will stop it. (at least in front of you)

hang in there.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the support, everyone. I am still very angry. But I know that this just going to be my life for at least another ten years. I just have to deal with it.

She emailed back again: "I want to talk on the phone, not write."

Advice on this? I know, the default response is silence.

Again, I see no point in talking to her. She shuts me down, scolds me for "not being flexible" (outrageous as it contradicts objective reality), filibusters me if I try to say anything that to her seems remotely critical and I end up in a quiet rage for the next 24-hours. Outside of an immediate emergency involving the kids, there is just no point.

I wish I could communicate this to her, but again, pointless.

Talking to her also is a trigger for me; NC has worked wonders for me and I don't want to rock my emotional boat.

Finally, I notice that she tends to express a desire to talk to me when she is alone in her apartment. That is, the AP is not there. Is this cake-eating under the guise of talking about the children? I suspect this is part of it, as she becomes angry at my refusal--an anger out of proportion to the situation. Ignoring her sends her into a childish rage--always has.

Textbook NPD, I suppose.

P.S.: in my email response to her, I did suggest that we attend together co-parenting counseling. Good luck with that, huh? But the way I look at it, I need a buffer.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 5:42 AM, December 16th (Monday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1615 | Registered: Dec 2012
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would only communicate by phone if she gives you permission to record the calls. I bet she'll suddenly not mind email so much.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beware of the co parenting counseling. There is another member who is participating in this and while her WH agrees to a plan or course of action in the counseling, he changes his attitude, opinion and actions outside of counseling. She has a bit of a battle on her hands. I believe that it is worth a try but don't expect her to follow through with any agreements.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1752 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT talk to her on the phone. She just wants to avoid documentation and make it into a 'he said, she said' thing.

Yes, a secondary motive for her might be to cake eat/hoover, but you're too smart to fall for that.

Don't respond to her calls. Contact only in writing. This is the best way to protect yourself AND YOUR KIDS.

So the 17 December temp orders hearing isn't happening?

Hang in there AD, you're doing GREAT.

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2586 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
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