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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my more forceful, more direct latest Email to my attorney:

With regard to the house issue: Again, I do not want to tell them at this time that I am agreeable to selling the home.

And when I do, I do not want to rush it if for no other reason than taking the kids out of their school in mid-year. They have been through enough upheaval and there is no guarantee I can find a house in their school district. Note: STBX can with her income. This is something to ponder with regard to her motivations.

I am very leery about STBX's sudden desire to sell the home immediately. I disagree that she wants off the mortgage. In fact months ago it was I who told her of this and she expressed no interest or hurry. She informed me very recently that she is planning to rent a home after her lease is up.

I know STBX very well.

Simply, she either wants me out of the house or she wants to move back in so she will not be forever perceived as "the bad guy" or "the one who left her kids." She told me these very words shortly before I filed. Her moving back in and I out will NEVER be on the table, as it would traumatize the kids.

Going back to their proposal for timesharing: Attorney, I have expressed from the beginning that I want majority timesharing according to the PBC model, which is 60/40. And I want to be with our children two weekends a month--whether every other weekend or not. However she can arrange it with her job. I will not continue to be the "workhorse dad" and she the "Disney mom." She chose her job and she chose to get pregnant. These actions have consequences for our children.

I am open to other concessions (e.g., reduced alimony or alimony for a very limited duration, foregoing her 401k, etc.).

Finally, please note that she has apparently dropped her ill-conceived desire for sole decision-making over the kids' medical needs and likely the Activision subpoena nonsense. My point is, if we stand firm she will back down--if she personally has something to lose. The most important person to a narcissist is a narcissist.

These are my expressed desires. I will of course as always take very seriously your advice in these matters. I want what is best for the children and what will enable me to be the best father I can be. This is the core of all my intentions.

Thank you.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before you fire your attorney on the spot, find out why she is talking up the 54/46. You are paying her, so you should make sure you understand her rationale. It may be that she's not very aggressive after all, or it may be part of a larger strategy. Make sure you and she are on the same page with your priorities. Maybe she's trying for a concession on the kids for leverage on the house, but maybe you don't want to use the custody arrangement in that fashion. As with any other relationship, communication is key. Be direct with your questions.

Edit: ok, 54/46 isn't an appalling, what are they thinking, offer starting from 60/40. You weren't starting from a e/o weekend and one weeknight starting point, that's an important consideration. Also, it is generally bad lawyering to proceed directly to trial, without passing go or collecting $200. As long as you and your lawyer can get on the same page and remain there, and you feel she is keeping your priorities in mind, it should be fine. Remember this is a straight up business deal. You really have to treat it like that.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 5:25 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 725 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, is he actually keeping up with 60/40 now? If not, I wouldn't go there. Don't offer a better split than you are seeing her do now.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5376 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So..any confirmation that she is pregnant?

No confirmation or denial from her attorney. My attorney says she wants to ask her under oath at the Temporary Relief hearing. As my attorney says, "That should be interesting."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, is he actually keeping up with 60/40 now? If not, I wouldn't go there. Don't offer a better split than you are seeing her do now.

Here is the thing: averaged out over the past three months (or even over the past year) it comes to about 54/46 in my favor. This is where I assume they came up with this odd number, to make the case for keeping the status quo.

However: As I've been indicating that split is technical overnights, which have begun for her as late as 8:00 PM on Fridays.

So again, I have had them Monday afternoon through Friday evening, picking up and dropping off from school, homework, school events, shopping, cooking cleaning, etc. Then I give them to her for fun time on her boyfriend's boat over the weekend.

And I know for a fact that she usually gets back into town from work on Thursdays but does not want them until Friday night.

Her job is everything to her. This I know. It simply does not allow her the time to be with the kids during the week. Now, she can spin this (and probably will) in her favor: "I have the kids on most weekends because that's the nature of my job."

But:

1). She made the decision to take this job while we were divorcing, knowing full well the erratic, unpredictable schedule and that she would not be with the kids during the week.

2). She has told me she has no intention of keeping this job if it continues like this. And this is before she made the DECISION to get pregnant.

I believe that she wants to keep this status quo, get it set in stone, and then quit her job when the baby arrives. This is what I need to communicate clearly to my attorney, who does not know my wife. I do. Every cell in her fucked up selfish entitled controlling brain.

And from this premise we must come up with a strategy.

Another thing that my attorney seems to have lost sight of (if I want to be cynical): my STBX left our home. Twice. Does this not count for anything?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been going back-and-forth with my attorney over the 46/54 with her getting three weekends a month (I said no way) vs. 50/50 with me getting every other weekend. I also inquired about CS at 50/50.

Here's her reply. Thoughts?

"Child support only with 50/50 timesharing is $680 per month. This is without any inclusion for either party for child care. (consider that if her only timeshare is on weekends she would have no claim for including child care).

46/54 applies if she has 3 weekends out of 4 (Friday through Sunday overnight) plus all Thursdays overnights. Then out of 28 nights, she has 13 overnights and you have 15, or 54%. If she has every other weekend, then it is no longer that percentage. Instead she has 10 overnights which gives you 64%.

There are many possible scenarios. One scenario is for her to have every Friday and Saturday overnight, and every other Thursday and Sunday overnight, with the children returned to you on Sunday morning for your Sunday overnights. That way you some weekend time. Out of 28 overnights she would have 12 overnights and you would have 16. That is 57% to you."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That still leaves you with no full weekends that you can just take your kids and go at the spur of a moment.
You would always have to seek "permission" from her to take a weekend trip with your kids. Is that what you want to do?


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are many possible scenarios. One scenario is for her to have every Friday and Saturday overnight, and every other Thursday and Sunday overnight, with the children returned to you on Sunday morning for your Sunday overnights. That way you some weekend time. Out of 28 overnights she would have 12 overnights and you would have 16. That is 57% to you.

Ok, seriously?!? She gets every Fri and Sat overnight AND every other Thurs and Sunday overnight and somehow that comes up fair? So out of the weekend time you get NO nights the kids can stay up a little late, and you get the "Let's prep for the week" night of checking backpacks and making sure laundry is done.

Logically that breaks down to in a month that theoretically has 4 weekends.

Crazy Parent - 4 Fridays (Fun), 4 Saturdays (Fun), 2 Thursdays(School Prep), 2 Sundays(School Prep)

Stable Parent - Every Monday(School Prep), Tues(School Prep), Wed night(School Prep), 2 Thursday nights(School Prep), 2 Sunday nights(School Prep). ZERO FRIDAY NIGHTS, ZERO SATURDAY NIGHTS!! Every single night you have them you have to prep for school - which means no leeway on bed time, no leeway on activities, no leeway on a late movie or dinner or playing outside until they are ready to come in.

I'm sorry, but Hell to the NO!! That's NOT fair. AT ALL.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Everyone.

Spoke to my attorney. Big difference from email. She is taking her original hard-ass approach for Temporary Relief hearing next week: 70/30 in my favor, every other weekend, fixed-in-stone schedule, exclusive rights to home. Hitting her hard regarding to her moving out if the home twice, likely pregnancy etc.

I'm relieved. I thought she might have lost sight of the endgame or had softened.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good news AD, I was a bit worried that your L was more of a guppy than a shark.

Glad she is not about to back down. Hang in there, 1 more week.

Dec 17, dec 17, dec 17 ......

((((AD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's better!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trial date is set for January 24. My attorney does NOT like this judge. Says he is very impatient and does not necessarily lean toward husbands. She is urging settling. I don't want to go to trial.

Frozen again.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, does she(L) vacillate much? What's the deal with her?

Have you done the best case/worst case scenario with her yet? I get the feeling that, other than her being awarded the house(Not gonna happen) a 50/50 split in custody will be awarded. That's not a whole lot different than what she is proposing anyway. This every weekend with no *fun* time for you and the kids has to come off the table. Your children NEED stability. Hell, call an *expert* witness to that effect. NO ONE would think the proposal on the table is beneficial to the kids. Since when are the *children's best interests* subservient to her job requirements? Remember the phrase *in the best interest of the children*? Ask your L how this proposal meets that requirement.

Can't your L ask for another judge? Hell, if she asks for a delay, won't the selection of judges be changed? Where'd the L go who looked at you and said "AD, I've got this"?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as STBX doesn't know this it will be ok. A judge like this will probably throw it back into your lap for a while to see if you two can hash it out. Ask your lawyer what he does in cases like yours. Be prepared,

DO NOT FREEZE. It's not necessary, you have your wits and this board. It will all work out.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
KatieKat
Member
Member # 16690
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The judge may not like pregnant married women who leave their children's home twice! Be strong, Dad, you rock.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2007
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somewhere in the equation, what's good / best for the kiddos has to enter the picture. Their spending 2 or 3 nights here, a night there, then another night here, then 2 nights there, then 3 nights here.... whatever, is enough to confuse anyone involved. My daughter has two elementary age step children. They spend Tuesday - Tuesday overnights with daughter/her husband, then go to their mom's after school on Wed, back to dad's the following Tuesday after school. Dad gets a little more time than mom. The kids have been changing households essentially every other week for 4 yrs and they hate it. The constant upheaval and disruption along with different rules between the two parents' houses.... It stinks for the kids. I'll say it again: I am ever so grateful our daughters were grown when xh decided he wanted a wife and a girlfriend.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 435 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Says he is very impatient and does not necessarily lean toward husbands. She is urging settling. I don't want to go to trial.

Then you get YOUR ducks in a row and make sure that you are not wasting the court's time - that STBX is the one that is seen wasting the courts time.

Be more the prepare, have all your evidence lined up, marked up, highlighted - whatever.

I know that your lawyer should do this, but you should also have all the evidence your lawyer does. Make a binder. Have everything tabbed and easily accessable. Put a calendar in the binder so that you can mark every time she changes her mind. Every pick up every drop off, ever miss-step.

I don't know why its so hard for good fathers to actually get the kids they want, but it is.

Stay focused and don't be the mess clogg in the wheel - let her do that job.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sakaro
New Member
Member # 41616
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD,

I've been following your situation since day 1 but I finally made a profile so I could respond to you.

After a very rocky start you really seem to be handling yourself well. I have been where you find yourself now. The one major difference is the now ex wife and I were able to agree on most things and didnt drop a bunch of money using two lawyers. We met with a Paralegal who wrote out our agreement in legal terms and I turned it into the court to start the divorce process. Sounds pretty easy, huh?

A few months later I met with the magistrate(sp?) to wrap the whole thing up and make it legal. I was told since your wife is pregnant and you are claiming 'NOT TO BE' the father of her child we cant continue the process until you have taken a DNA test that excludes you as the father.

It didnt matter that I hadnt slept with her in over a year. It didnt matter that the ex wife was on record as saying that I couldnt be the father of this child. I was the husband therefore I was the father, case closed. We had to put the divorce on hold . The child was born and I took the DNA test(best money I ever spent) to prove I could not be the father and then my divorce was re submitted and made official.

There is a test that can disprove paternity while your wife is pregnant but it is expensive and pretty invasive. I think I remember reading you were in Florida too. So ask your attorney about this.

Good luck AD! And just a note from someone a few years out now. I used to ask myself why would she do this, how could she do this? Now I think why the hell did I put up with it for so long?


Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

STBX's attorney claims his client is not pregnant. This is about three weeks after my attorneys repeated pressing him for a response.

I suspect she is lying to her attorney. Or if he is unscrupulous or stupid, then he is lying. Time will tell.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD,

If your retirement (or hers) is with the state, no money will be released until the owner retires. My XH's retirement is still in his name even though there is a QDRO in place for the time of our divorce. There was a calculation done for the time of our divorce, splitting the assets that were accrued during the marriage. I can't collect until he retires. Although I have an estimate from the state about what I can expect, when that happens.

The state is odd, the only way I can get possession of the money before he retires is to be invested on my own in the state retirement system.

I hope this helps. If something happens to you and you don't make it to retirement-she won't get to collect.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4867 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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