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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for pushing for the house to be sold, she might need the money to set up her new home for everyone. She might need to finance a new house and it would be easier if she was totally free from this one.

She might be looking to move a farther distance and thinks she is taking the kids with, why would any sane judge want to break up all of the kids???? ( she will be having a new sibling and they need to all grow together to be real family)

What's her bottom line motivation in every move she has made? Money? Control? Appearance? Something else? Figure that out and you will have her achilles heel, so to speak.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's her bottom line motivation in every move she has made? Money? Control? Appearance? Something else? Figure that out and you will have her achilles heel, so to speak.

It is control, control, control. I have taken it away and she is not easily denied.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She took the basinette deliberately to hurt you.

I honestly do not believe she took it to hurt me, AAS. (I'm not excusing her, of course. Her action was vile.) She has no empathy whatsoever and no insight into the motivations behind her behaviors. I am sure that at best she rationalized it selfishly, without a thought to how this might be hurtful to someone else (me).

To wit: "My sister lent me this family basinette. Hence it is mine mine mine. I need a basinette, this is the one I used for my kids in the past; I am having another. Therefore I will take it."

When I suspected she was still in the affair over a year ago, I asked her, "You wouldn't hurt me again, would you?" She replied (serenely): "Never deliberately."

And this is how she processes such questions. They begin and end with herself.

This is who I am dealing with.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 11:51 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lostandpregnant
♀ Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twisted thinking/way of rationalizing anything, I suppose.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I experienced, how are her finances? You said her interrogatories are late, are they the financial ones? Does she need the money to pay her lawyer, bills?

545,

Her interrogatories just came in, two weeks late: incomplete. Lots of "still ongoing," "to be determined," etc. Really no responses at all.

But unless I am misreading it, it appears she is dropping her allegation that I suffer from a mental disorder rendering me incapable of making rational decisions pertaining to the kids' medical needs.

(Under "If spouse has a medical condition..." she wrote "N/A.")

Update: yep, confirmed by my attorney. She is dropping that bullshit.

As far as her finances, well, she makes 110k a year, so...

But I am thinking that after her child is born, she will quit her job--or at least will not seek such a demanding and high-paying job as she has now. So unless her AP makes a bundle, her financial situation will be altered dramatically.

BTW, our home appraisal came in: very low. Good news if I were to buy her out, but because I have decided to sell, not such good news, as there is little to no equity if it sells at or below appraisal. Whatever. I just want to cut all ties.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 1:12 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her sister lent her the basinette, well it is hers to take. You are responding emotionally over something you aren't using. You are causing yourself pain unnecessarily. You can't look at items around you house and mentally picture your former happy family. This isn't helping you and in fact it causes you immense pain. You have to move forward. Your old life is dead. The wife is gone, gone, GONE. Let go.

I don't mean to be harsh, but honestly, what are you going to do with a basinette?

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:48 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get chucking the baby clothes and stuff. I chucked a ton of stuff that had sentimental value to STBXWW and myself. The only things I did keep which I keep tucked away in a closet well out of sight or at my parents house are a few pictures of STBXWW and myself, our wedding album, and some pictures that STBXWW did not take. The wedding album is at my parents house, I was going to chuck that but figured if it was out of the house it was safe. The ONLY reason I kept those is while I may really dislike my STBXWW my kids still love her and myself to death. They may actually want to have some of those picutures of us together or the wedding album. If they decide to chuck them when they get older it's on them but I felt like I should give them the option. My situation may is different than yours AD, we had a few "skirmishes" but fortunately no war. If you feel the need to chuck it all by all means do so.

I will say though that the house is completely mine now. Any and all reminders of STBXWW are gone or tucked in that closet for the kids to get 5, 10, or 15 years from now.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wants to be off the mortgage so she can get another place....this is what is really making my XWH angry right now. That is, I got the house and I never have to refinance. He is up a creek because he has OW her 2 kids, her mother, and him, and a dog in a 3 bedroom mobile home and he can't get qualified to get another place because he is on this mortgage. So he is pressuring me to get the house out of his name. DUMB ASS. You should have asked the judge for this but your head was so far up your ass at the final hearing you gave me the house and all the contents.

I suspect your w wants yall to move so she isn't committed to this mortgage any more.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:57 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1982 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one question I have is,,,,Aren't you saying the kids should be with you because you have lived here with them and been their care giver and this is their neighborhood? Why would you want to try to mess this up, by now saying you want to move? Shouldn't you get the D first, then do all the moving, etc?

BTW, She can have anyone from OM family buy your home, and you'll never know it til closing.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1982 | Registered: Jan 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Update: STBX has filed a motion to cancel the Temporary Relief hearing scheduled for 12/17 and instead go to trial. My attorney is arguing against her reasons, which include the false statements that we have been communicating effectively regarding child timesharing; that the schedule has been consistent and predictable; that she has been contributing in a timely manner to child-related expenses; and that the Temporary Relief hearing would incur expenses unnecessarily. (Uh, a trial vs. a half-hour hearing? What?)

But if she forces this to trial, all bets are off. As someone else on SI posted, "I have a closet of nuclear weapons, and I will not hesitate to use them."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry,

WTF?

we have been communicating effectively regarding child timesharing; that the schedule has been consistent and predictable; that she has been contributing in a timely manner to child-related expenses

I really wonder what's going through her mind, and then realize that I would need to let go of reality and ride my skittle eating, rainbow farting unicorn off into the golden eternal sunset of never-never land to get there.

All the demonstrably false claims merely show the court her instability. How could she ever expect to support those claims? Wow, she must be lying through her teeth to her lawyer. Given the evidence, I would expect at least a fluff offer being put on the table.

"I have a closet of nuclear weapons, and I will not hesitate to use them."

Don't


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I have a closet of nuclear weapons, and I will not hesitate to use them."
Lock and load!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shouldn't you get the D first, then do all the moving, etc?

Yes, that would be the plan.

As far as motivation for moving, and taking the kids away from their home and neighborhood:

Even if I put aside my own healing that would likely occur with the move from our marital home (it's like living in the graveyard of my marriage and family), I simply cannot afford to live in this home on my salary. It was only due to my STBX's high salary that we were able to purchase and maintain it. And, as my attorney advises, it is not at all certain that I will receive much if any spousal support given the duration of our marriage. It would drain me financially and I would have to ultimately move anyway.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

STBX's attorney has submitted a global settlement in an attempt to resolve this immediately, precluding the hearing for Temporary Relief.

She wants 46% overnights, and me 54%. She wants three weekends out of the month and me one. And the weekends would not be fixed; I would have to notify her which weekend I want.

She wants to buy me out of the marital home; if I refuse then she wants the house immediately on the market. (This makes me suspicious, as she knows very well I will NOT have her move in and me move out.)

She wants half of my pension and I get half of her 401k. (She has not even indicated in her financial interrogatory what her 401k is worth.)

She wants us to both forgoe alimony. (Laughable, since she outearns me 2:1.)

I emailed my attorney that I am not prepared to settle globally at this time and wish to proceed with the hearing for Temporary Relief.

They also plopped a date of this coming Tuesday for me to agree. I will not be rushed.

I want to keep the hearing, set a trial date, and then mediate for a settlement with the trial date looming.

Something does not smell right to me. I am going with my gut.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she really wanted to resolve this immediately, she would have made a better offer. They are just messin' with you. Stick to your guns.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She cheated, don't give up the pension. My fDH gave up some of his and its his biggest regret. Let her have the 401's and you keep your pension. They should cancel each other out.

She is asking for stuff like you are the one who cheated. WTH???

Follow your gut on this. Write down your end goals and keep them where you can look at them when you need a reminder. Don't give in just to make this end. It is so hard and practically impossible to change anything after its final. You can try if you have enough money but still no guarantee you will win.

It all negotiation. That's all this is.....


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think her global settlement offer speaks clearly to the lack of cooperative timesharing regarding the children. What was her attorney thinking?

It sounds like your wife has finally found an attorney that will compose whatever hair-brained idea your wife comes up with and submit it to your attorney.

Since they gave you until Tuesday, to agree, I think you can respond immediately that won't be happening, on ANY Tuesday.

This whole "she gets the weekends" with the children has got to go!

[This message edited by alphakitte at 3:36 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible that she's trying to rush things through so that her preggo belly isn't showing for court dates that keep getting pushed out?
Do not let her rush you. If anything, slow down and make sure things are as you need/want them. Work on your timetable (and that of your lawyer), instead of dancing to her whims.

Please do not give up your pension, but feel free to go after some of hers.

Stay strong!!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just curious, what was your lawyers response to this?


I agree, this does not pass the smell test!

the largest concern I would have, would be having her buy you out! she could then turn around and use that against you claiming she was providing a better more stable environment for the children.

the financials? what if there is nothing in her 401 K?


no pressure, you have until next Tuesday to tell them no.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what was your lawyers response to this?

My lawyer's response is that we should make a counter-proposal that I get immediate exclusive rights to the home--that this might "twist her arm." But that we should definitely still go ahead with the hearing for Temporary Relief. Frankly I'm not sure what this means. Why make a counter proposal at this time at all? My attorney also said to me that she "doesn't want to get distracted into pointless negotiations."

the financials? what if there is nothing in her 401k

I believe there is 30k in it. I will have to do a qdro to figure out my pension details. At this point my forensic accountant as well as my attorney are leaning toward giving her half of my pension for a fair trade, as she may never even get the pension. Mediator said the same thing. Not sure how this makes sense. But we shall see. The main thing is keeping the Temp Relief hearing. I will not be rushed or bullied. There are reasons why she is suddenly in a rush to settle and it has nothing to do with anyone but herself.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Dec 2012
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