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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 5
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.

STBX moving back into the home and me leaving would be the worst of all possible scenarios. Forget about my emotions:

If you recall:

She moved out. The kids were distraught.

She moved back in, telling the kids mommy will never leave again. The kids are overjoyed.

She moved back out. The kids are shattered.

Finally they have become accustomed to living with daddy in the home. (He never left.)

So: Mommy moves back in and DADDY leaves?? No way. If she fights for that situation? I will file for a forced sale of the home. There is no way in hell our kids will be put through that.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I agree with you AD that moving to a house she has no claim on may be best for you, I don't know if you can "force" her to sell it, and not buy it. ie. even if you put it on the open market, she can put in an offer for it.

Talk to your lawyer...but if you think there may be any way she may want the house, then maybe keeping it, getting the divorce done with the house in your name only...then moving in 1 year may work better? Check with your lawyer if you want to make sure she doesn't just move back and do what you don't want done to your kids.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5477 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, talk to your lawyer brother. If you remember, I did win custody and I did move. I'm just suggesting that you don't give CSTBXW any ammo.

The odds of her being awarded possession of the home at this point probably approach nil. She has her own place already. However, if your intentions to move were prematurely disclosed, she could make the argument that she would move back into the home to help preserve a stable environment for the kids.

If she doesn't know, it would be kind of hard for her to make the argument. Doesn't mean plans can't change later.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2827 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her lease is up in January, be very careful she doesn't try to regain possession of the house in the new year.

Actually the best bet is get possession of the house, get the divorce, then sell the house and find your new place. Cuts her out of any input to what you are doing. (Plus the added benefit is she will hate not having any control).

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:32 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2966 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad,

^^^^^^ This is my vote.

You've given your lawyer aist of things to fight for - don't change that strategy yet. Let her find another place to live in January. I would keep your plans secret till you are divorced. The marital home will be significant in the settlement. She how that plays out in your divorce. She may force you to move.... It's good you're looking at options and are feeling good about them.

Just don't give her anything to further hurt you with. Crushing more of your dreams will weaken you, she wants you weak.

When you have exclusive use/ownership of he home then announce your plans.

One hurdle at a time. And moving with kids is a hurdle. Please don't add to your pile of stressors just now. If she gets wind that you've been looking at houses, she will reach a new level of crazy. The kids and you do not need any more crazy.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5073 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And just to add, I my state of MD, you can not force someone to sell until 2 yrs past the div date. Your state may have something similar.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

My attorney informs me that, with regard to time-sharing, STBX will likely settle at "Model plus one" which is two overnights per week and every other weekend. I spoke to a friend and she assures me that this is 50/50.

And she wants to list the house ASAP. (I don't know why the rush and don't trust her. I suspect it's because she doesn't want to be paying me SS to enable me to live in this home, which is above my financial means.)

Friends, I am so utterly emotionally drained. I am starting to think, "Just settle at 50/50, get minimal CS, no SS, whatever. Sell the house and start my new life."

I hate to sound defeatist, but I just want this over.

BTW, her attorney cannot get in touch with her and thus we STILL don't have a hearing for Temporary Relief. I am financially bleeding out, we have no schedule, and she comes in the house at will."

Her attorney also challenged that STBX's pregnancy is relevant.

Thoughts?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

two overnights per week and every other weekend

This would be ok given her work situation IF:
1) you insist on getting first right of refusal written into the settlement and
2) the days are also specified in the agreement so she cannot change them at her will

She currently travels for work most weeks so will not be able to take the weekdays most weeks. And she gets every other weekend instead of every weekend. If she changes her work schedule and is able to take the weekdays then that will be a positive for the kids because they will get some time with their mother and a positive for you because you will not be the only parent doing the hard part of parenting like homework and bedtimes.

Stay strong. You can get thru this. I know it is emotionally devastating but quitting now is not an option.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17631 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, unless she has filed for a Partition by Sale of the house and the judge has approved it, you cannot be forced to list it; also it has not been awarded to one or the other of the parties in the divorce. Please do not let her intimidate and threaten you with these tactics. And as far as her atty challenging that her pregnancy is irrelevant, of COURSE he would say that! What other response would be expected - "Yes, my client lied and cheated on her H; f*cked another man and is now preggo by him, but hey - it's all good?" Her atty is going to spin the situation in whatever manner looks the best for his client, and damn the truth. Please try to be calm and collected, and don't give up the fight at this late date. You've come SO far, and the end is in sight.. You're such a good Dad; it makes me angry that your STBX can do such awful things to you and your littles. Hugs.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just came home to find STBX hanging out in the house cuddling our dogs. I ended up getting drawn into a conversation with her. I didn't lose my cool, but I did tell her I would not discuss certain aspects of the case. This bothered her, as she still expresses a desire to circumvent our attorneys. (She says she does not believe her attorney has her best interest in mind and tried to convince me that nor does mine.)

In any case, she tried to get me to commit to skipping the Temporary Relief hearing, but I just said I won't discuss it. She wants to skip to a global settlemen and demanded I give her "a list of what I want." I told her everything is in my Petition and we together with our attorneys will negotiate a settlement.

She indicated she would drop her claim for sole power of attorney over the kids' medical decisions, explaining this was a response to my claim that she can't handle the kids for more than brief periods of time. (So much for her conviction that I am mentally incapacitated; she basically admitted that she knows this is not the case. This is why I do not trust her one bit. She just makes shit up knowing full well it's a lie.)

She again expressed her strong desire that we sell the house as she is "struggling" financially. Struggling at over 100k. I told her I am discussing options with my attorney and told her to do the same--and to communicate with her attorney so we may move toward a resolution. She says she doesn't have the time that her attorney requires of her due to her job.

I also told her to please keep in mind that when Child Support and Alimony are discussed, that this money is not going to me, but to our children. This seemed to finally hit home and she nodded.

It was a lot of "woe is me, I have to work so hard and I can't afford anything."

I still want that temporary relief hearing. The fact that I came home and found her curled up on the couch is only part of it. This can end up dragging on despite her claim that she wants to settle everything.

I know, I shouldn't have engaged, but it was a calm "normal" conversation.

But of course now I am emotionally wrecked being with her alone. (Yes, I had my VAR going the whole time.)

Oh, I forgot to include this gem: She looked longingly at my new washing machine and said mournfully, "I don't even have a washing machine."

Uh... First of all, you do. There is one at your apartment complex. Second of all, you CHOSE to move to a place that has none in the apartment. Third, you CHOSE, you CHOSE, you CHOSE. All of it has been of your choosing.

No remorse, no responsibility. Nothing. Never.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 9:04 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

recheck model plus one.. I thought that was 60 40. unless my math is wrong 2 nights a week and every other weekend comes up to six out of 14. am I missing something?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2827 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
JessicaFL127
♀ Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told you she doesn't have time for her ATTORNEY due to her job? How does this fool think she will have time to raise children with the same job? And how does she not have the self awareness to realize what she is saying translates to her inability to parent? She should have no more than 30% on paper; there is NO way she will take even that amount in practice and what is written will dictate financially. Don't let her get away with less time in practice and less support for you and the kids in writing.

[This message edited by JessicaFL127 at 8:11 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you did really well with that, I would have gone OFF.

I think if you change the locks her lawyer would be hearing from her fairly quickly.

That bitch is batshit crazy.

Hold the course AD. Carry that recorder with you and try not to be alone with her anymore.

I would walk out if she was in the house and call your lawyer.

If she shows up one day on one of her aggressive upswings, you could be hauled in for a false DV incident.

Now is the time to be very very very careful. I hope you have your computer and all other communication devices on lockdown.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would make sure I let my attorney hear that...not to use legally but just to hear what she says and how she tries to manipulate you into doing what she wants....and also to see she has time for NOTHING, not even using her own attorney.

Let your attorney know that you are not going to wait anymore and what can she do to push this forward. Knowing that your wife is stalling. And just know if it is bleeding you financially it is bleeding her too, so the sooner the better.

And keep that VAR with you at all times. I have a feeling it will be invaluable to you one day to help you use it as a chip to end this all, she is going to say or do something that will be the straw that breaks the camels back. Its coming.


Posts: 5645 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
betrayedfriend
♀ Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think legally you can change the locks, but you may be able to add one...


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 weekday overnights and EOW can equal either 6/8 or 7/7 depending on how the Sunday overnight is classified.

AD, she is just annoying and blatantly obvious, isn't she? She doesn't have *time* for her attorney, but she's got *time* to sit her ass in your house and cuddle with the dogs???? That would have pissed me off......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, changed my mind about your lawyer. Why did she recommend 50/50? Of course this is just the temp order, but it will be harder to change. What was the historic split? How much time did you actually have the vs her?

Anyway, the rest of the split seems ok. Hope it went well this am. I realize I'm probably whistling past the graveyard here, but I can hope for your sake.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2827 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was the historic split? How much time did you actually have the vs her?

And there is the rub. Everything goes by overnights, not by time spent with each parent. If over the past year the overnights were averaged, then yes--it would likely come out to roughly 50/50. Maybe a little higher in my favor.

But her overnights have begun anywhere from 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM for typically three nights--sometimes four.

But if you calculate the actual number of hours spent with the children, well then, I am with them typically forty hours a week--Monday through Friday, doing all the "grunt work" (homework, laundry, cooking, taking them to and from school, play dates, school events, etc.).

(To say nothing of the numerous times I have had to come get my son, as well as her common practice of pawning off the kids on babysitters and friends so she can be with her AP.)

I don't know, again I am having a sinking feeling I will not get anything more than 50/50 and even when (when, not if) she doesn't abide by this, it will be difficult to get it changed.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if it is 50/50, you can appeal it after she has proven over time that she can't manage it. Which she will.

She is batshit Fnuts. I would have come uncorked if I'd have walked in and found a STBX on my couch just hanging out. You did amazingly well. she is just trying to twist your knobs, and work you, and you are giving her nothing, I bet she is so frustrated she goes home and screams at OM. LOL Lucky SOB that he is... I wouldn't be surprised to see him show up on your doorstep one day soon begging you to take her back.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, TN--I did give her nothing while she was here. But dammit, it turns out that contact this morning was poison. Out of nowhere I just burst into tears, missing the person I fell in love with, and find myself back to square one, just thinking, "How could she, how could she..." I'm sure I will get past this, but I hate that I still give her that power over me. God, but I miss my family. I still can't believe it, sometimes....

[This message edited by Abbondad at 12:34 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2012
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