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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who will be blamed?
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just reading in another thread that somebody's IC told them that their kids will figure out what happened, and have a period of anger at the cheating parent some time in their teens.

This has me worried, of course.

Our boys are 10 and 13, and of course we told them nothing about The Princess' infidelities - fuck, she won't even admit them to me!

When I decided that we needed to separate/divorce, I gave her the option of moving into an apartment in the city (and having the boys every weekend), or staying in the family home near their schools (and having the boys every weekday). She works at 13's school (and needs a car to get there), her parents live down the road, and she considers herself to be above living in an apartment. Apartments are for "fringe people" - god, she's a fucking snob! Because of all of that, she chose to stay in the house, while I moved into the city. I was totally willing to do things the other way, of course, but this way really does make sense.

So this is what I worry about: When my boys have their period of anger at the "cheating" parent - but they don't know about the cheating - will they assume that I did something bad, and hate me for it?

My little boys are my rock at the moment. I know that's not fair to them, but I need them right now. Are they going to hate me for "leaving" them?

I mean, I can handle the everyday teenage hate and angst. I know they'll both go through that, but for some reason, I find this to be different.

What should I do?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should tell them the truth, when they are ready (mature enough). That truth can be vague or euphamistic about certain specifics of her behavior, but you can be fully honest about your reactions, feelings, and choices following your discovery of her infidelity.

You don't have to play into a "blame" narrative of judgment. Just stick with a factual timeline of actions and consequences and let them come to their own understanding of how you dealt with the situation.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1001 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass - I'm going to be honest with you. You will both be blamed. Even if your kids learn of their mother's actions.

My kids are teens (17 and 13 at the time their worlds blew up). They both figured out VERY quickly that their father had cheated. They each had/have anger toward him and blame him for blowing up the family.

What I wasn't prepared for? Was the anger they had for me. You see, we're the grown ups, pass. We're the parents. We're supposed to have things figured out. And my kids got angry at me because their lives blew apart on my watch. They didn't blame me for his cheating (well - not for long, at least), but they did feel like both wasband and I had failed to keep their family together.

Fair? Absolutely not. Understandable? You bet. And since I was the rock, the constant, the safe parent? Boy did I ever get the brunt of it, especially from DD who was too afraid of losing her father to blow up at him.

I want you to be ready for this. If you aren't, it will cut you to the core. Trust me on that one.

The key is to hear your kids out. Validate their pain and their anger. Don't take responsibility for any of her actions, but show your kids how sorry you are that they are hurting. Show your kids that you are a safe place for them. A place where they can be heard and understood.



You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22550 | Registered: Aug 2011
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post pass, I wonder the exact same thing.

I gues you and I need to take wise NIK's words to heart.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2488 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. My parents D when I was 8yo. I knew mom had a BF and it was wrong. She M him on the day the D was final.

I don't recall going through an anger stage in my teens. I do remember being angry at about 10yo but that was around the time I decided to live with my dad and my mom started playing mind games with me.

I was never mad at my dad.

I say talk to them truthfully in an age appropriate manner. And talk to them about what you learned. About communication, about dealing with FOO issues, about what the slippery slope looks like. Help them know they can build a stronger M and don't have to fear the "inevitability" of following in their parents' path.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10864 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I wasn't prepared for? Was the anger they had for me. You see, we're the grown ups, pass. We're the parents. We're supposed to have things figured out. And my kids got angry at me because their lives blew apart on my watch. They didn't blame me for his cheating (well - not for long, at least), but they did feel like both wasband and I had failed to keep their family together.

Ah NIK. That burns. BURNS. I did the same to my mum. Infidelity was the least of their issues. I blamed her for not doing better.

I remember when my big girl was a newborn and how protective and all-consumed I became with her. It made me think of my mum with her newborns and what that must have been like for her. It gave me much needed empathy for my mum in ways I did not imagine.

Boy did I ever get the brunt of it, especially from DD who was too afraid of losing her father to blow up at him.

DD5 already does this with her hurt feelings. She won't share them with him 'because he gets cranky'.

@pass, I worry about the same thing. My hope is that he gets his shit together so much that what he did to me, the M and our intact family won't matter to anyone - least of all me. He won't be able to do this if he remains a POS which is highly likely but I still have that hope. What will most likely happen is he'll emotionally abuse them just as he did me. They will see it with their own eyes - feel it themselves.

When the time comes they'll ask you and you'll give them info in an age-appropriate way. My girls will be wives and mothers one day - your boys will be husband and fathers. They know exactly what these people are at that point.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4502 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, NIK. It's funny, I'm totally not afraid of being the bad guy when it comes to disciplining the kids, saying no to ridiculous xmas requests, etc. I'm scared shitless about this happening though. I don't want them to think that I broke up this marriage.

That being said, I would rather not have to tell them their mother is a whore. This is especially a problem since she is a serial denier. If they were to go back to her on it, it would turn into a huge "He said, she said", and - as we've determined since I joined this site - she is much meaner and MUCH better at this than I am.

13 brought up the topic of cheating the other day. He was talking about one of his classmates who had been cheating on his girlfriend. I'm afraid I stepped up onto my soapbox pretty quickly, and said that I considered cheating to be one of the shittiest things a person should do, and that the responsible thing for his classmate to do would be to break up with his girlfriend if he is really interested in pursuing somebody else. I tried not to show how deeply this has affected me, but I may have failed.

So I guess I need to prepare for the anger NIK describes. Also, I liked Holly's advice:

I say talk to them truthfully in an age appropriate manner. And talk to them about what you learned. About communication, about dealing with FOO issues, about what the slippery slope looks like. Help them know they can build a stronger M and don't have to fear the "inevitability" of following in their parents' path.

I had never thought of this, but will definitely have this talk with them. However, do you think it would be a problem to do it without telling them their mom cheated?

The main thing is that I really don't want them to be forced into the position of having to believe either me or The Princess.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will most likely happen is he'll emotionally abuse them just as he did me. They will see it with their own eyes - feel it themselves.

You're right, SBB. She has already been doing this. I'd rather she didn't, even if it meant they were a little pissed with me.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, I struggle with this also. I don't want the kids to know their mom cheated. OTH, I tend to think that they deserve to know what really happened. It just seems wrong that they will not have the information necessary to understand their own lives.

And, I had a dream the other night that we told the kids about the upcoming D and when we could not explain why, the kids assumed daddy had a GF.

This really sucks.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, do you think it would be a problem to do it without telling them their mom cheated?

The main thing is that I really don't want them to be forced into the position of having to believe either me or The Princess.

You have to realize that if you are not honest with them, age appropriate of course, they will come to their own conclusions to fill in the blanks, and it may not be accurate. Then they could become resentful with you for not being honest with them...lies by omission.

When my DS20 was told the truth, even he was incredulous and skeptical that it could possibly be as bad as I made it seem. He knew I wouldn't lie to him, but he just didn't think it was possible his own beloved father whom DS held in such high esteem could possibly do anything so shitty to his mother. I showed him a few key documents that proved both the depth and timeline of his depravity so he would know I wasn't exaggerating just to make his father look bad (kept to timeline facts, no bashing). But I only did it because he was both old enough and mature enough to handle it.

DD17 knows the whole story (has not seen documents) as she has asked very detailed questions and I always told her I would answer honestly. She was already putting pieces together and I just basically filled in the blanks.

Oldest DD knows everything because she is actually the one that discovered two of the As and told me.

All of my kids have expressed repeatedly their thanks for my honesty and not keeping them in the dark, and they are all angry with XPOS for doing what he did which lead to our family destruction. Yours are still young, and you may have to let them harbor some anger toward you as they start piecing together their own story of what happened until they are old enough and mature enough to be told the truth, However, tell them you will always answer any of their questions with complete honesty, even if you have to leave out some gory details because they are too young. Keep their faith in your honesty intact above all. It is totally okay for them to be told that, "Mommy did some things to daddy that married people aren't supposed to do" and wait until they are older to explain what that is. That let's them know you left because of what she did. The details of why you left the the home instead of mom can come out in time, if they ask. Encourage them to talk to you and ask questions to keep that trust strong,

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:51 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare


Posts: 824 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm lucky, in a way, that ex is gay. It is fairly obvious what happened. But it also complicates things tremendously for all involved.

But, "we" (meaning ex) didn't want to tell the kids the truth. I went along with that for about the first year. But, the pain that I saw in my dd (about 8 or 9 at the time) was too much. She deserved to know WHY her family broke apart. She begged me to "give Daddy another chance", and when I told her that I did give Daddy another chance, and he cheated again…was the hardest crying I've ever seen her do. It was painful.

IC said they would "see Daddy for who he is" all by themselves. It has taken almost 3 years, but they are seeing him do stupid things now. I am no longer protecting him and making him look like a decent guy. I did it for too long. He is a selfish ass, and they are connecting the dots. I don't have to bash him, he is failing as a parent all on his own. IC said generally this happens in the teen years (for people like us…the children were pretty young when the marriage ended, 5 and 7.5). It was hard for me to watch them idolize their Dad and I WANTED to correct them. It was hard to NOT bash him…so I did a lot of talking in IC about how to handle this.

Don't "catch" him, let him fall. Let him make the parenting mistakes. Kids will see through the Disney Dad attempts. It has taken 3 years, but it IS starting. They are forming their own opinions.

I would also suggest some version of the truth. "Marriage is about making promises to each other. One of the promises is no lying, no dating others, etc, etc". You just have to form it so if fits your situation. Answer honestly if they have questions. My kids and I do our best talking while taking a walk...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 40, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3584 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end, all you can do now is strive to be the best parent you can be.

For me that means that when our kids are grown and on their way in life, when they look back to see who was there' for them they will see you clearly no matter what your wayward does or has done.

I have staked everything on the belief that one parent that raises their kids with standards, expectations and values and is there for them as they grow - to guide, support and raise, will be enough.

Blame is an entirely useless human sentiment.

[This message edited by Merlin at 5:50 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are just so many new things that I have to consider now. Am I happier that I'm no longer with her? Absolutely.

But there is still a ho lotta suck!

Thanks y'all.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think all situations are different. I wished I had told my DS who was 8 at the time of XWH#1's and my D, but I didn't want to speak badly of his Dad. Well, he eventually grew to hate me for kicking his dad out and then getting married to WH#2 after the D was finally final. XWH#1's OW disappeared shortly after I filed for D, so DS never made the connection that I kicked his Dad out for serial cheating.

I wished now that I had sat my son down and explained in an age appropriate way what happened between his Dad and I. All the councelors and the courts said for us not to discuss the D or reason's with my DS. Now I wished I had never listened to them. The older he got the more resentment he had toward me, until eventually he went to live with his Disney Dad at age 14 and would have nothing to do with me unless he wanted something. It was hard watching my NPD XWH#1 turn my son into someone I didn't even know.

Hopefully one day my DS will know the truth and allow me a chance to explain what really happened. He is now 19 and overseas in the military for the next two years. I don't even have a way to contact him.

I would say to tell your children in an age appropriate way exactly what is going on and why you are D'ing their mother. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our sweet innocent children. I wish they didn't have to suffer. Your boys need to know the truth (age-appropriate). They are going to make up their own "truths" if they aren't given the truth. I feel it is our responsibility to stop the cycle of infidelity. The hurt and pain that we are going through is due to infidelity. When our children are grown, I want them to remember this pain and not repeat it with their children and/or spouses. And if it does happen to them, I want my children to recall how we were able to get through it.

Yes, they are going to be pissed. They should be. They deserve to be but be honest with them. They need to know they can at least get an honest answer from one parent. If we aren't honest, we are "rug sweeping" to our own children who deserve to know the truth. We didn't like it when our WS's rug-swept with us ~ we shouldn't do it to our children.

Dday was 13 months ago. My children have aged way more than one biological year. It's does sadden me but at the same time, I am so proud of them. Life isn't fair and this was a gigantic shit sandwich forced upon them. They are going through their own stages of grief and they are also on their own roller coaster of emotions.

It's a challenging time for all of us. Hang in there. It does get better!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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