I just can't.
How do I survive personally? Anti-Depressants and a two day stay in the psych ward. For my own well being I am excising STBXH from my life like a malignant tumor.
It's ridiculous what these SOBs (and DOBs) put us through.
This weekend I hit a bulls-eye with a bow and arrow that had nothing more than string and no sight-lines. It was so fun. I found out that two weeks from now my twin's godmother's are taking me to an incredible restaurant for my 39th bday. But I also found more lies and harm this week, and I feel sad and spent. Just...grrrrrrrr!
I hate this. Thank you for listening.
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:24 PM, November 10th (Sunday)]
It was a great night.
I am still here, just bruised.
It does eventually get better, just takes a long while.
Have you been to see your Dr? I strongly urge you to do so. You don't have to do this with willpower alone.
You absolutely will survive this. You will.
All of us can relate to that feeling that this is simply too much. Too.Much.
Too painful. Too big. The devastation was too complete.
Too... all encompassing. I felt like the world had gone nuts. Why was everyone walking around like the earth hadn't swallowed me up? I still remember that eerie feeling that I had disconnected from the world around me. Couldn't anyone else feel the seismic change.
I honestly thought I would die of heartbreak. I really did.
Eventually I noticed the pattern - I'd start feeling stronger, break NC then back down into the quicksand I would go.
Whilst I kept jumping into the drama I was sucked back into the crazy. Every.Single.Time.
That is what eventually helped me stick to strict NC. These days I am astonished that I could have been in that place because of that guy. That guy? THAT guy? No.
A book that has helped me enormously is "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". The things I was feeling and the roller coaster of emotions I was going through wasn't just about that M or that WH - it also brought up long-dormant issues of abandonment and betrayal.
This feeling does not last. Time doesn't heal on its own - it is something you have to work hard at. Starting is the hardest part.
With the help of a great IC to get me through the very rough parts, SI and an amazing support network I plugged right back into me and the world around me.
You can. You will.
It's one of those times when you have to remember that which does not kill you makes you stronger. You will make it through and you will be shocked and proud at the life you will build for yourself. This cold hearted cheater will not break you.
Oh, I've done it all. IVF, even did donated eggs from my sister (ended up preg. via the natural way and lots of drugs…) miscarriages, giving up my career, then I followed him all over the US for his job while he travelled 50% of the time, depleting all of my inheritance on big houses he insisted on buying…THEN I find out he is gay and having gay affairs??
It was mind boggling. I was ANGRY. VERY ANGRY.
But, I started therapy and had someone to vent to. I MADE a direction in my life and just took a year to myself while I made huge changes. I was/am determined to move forward.
It is the art of letting go. It hurts, but it can be done.
I hate the feeling of being overwhelmed and untethered.
It's getting better, just hit a speed bump.
Would you consider seeing your doctor? In the beginning, I needed xanax to be able to get through the darkest days when I didn't know how I would survive the next 10 minutes.
Hugs to you!
My kids will be returning in about half an hour, and I will be working very, very hard to pretend I am distant. Kinda difficult after failed NC Friday and Sunday, but gotta start somewhere.
I am so thankful that as horrific some folks can be, to be supported so greatly and have a resource such as this renews my spirits a bit. :)