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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How honest is too honest......
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What is the balance between saying what you feel and not hurting the other person's feeling. Is it better in a relationship to be completely honest and say something like your laugh annoys me or is it better to accept that it is part of them and not to mention it?

I don't want someone who is suppressing his feelings but I feel hurt when I hear negative things about my personality.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try and avoid making negative comments about things the other person can't realistically be expected to change...a laugh.

For things that I need to address that aren't nice, I do plan what I say so that I'm owning my feelings about the issues...theres a difference between saying "i feel upset when you make things for dinner that you know i don't like" and "you always make things for dinner that i don't like" The first is me expressing MY feelings the other is an accusation. While neither phrasing is warm and fuzzy, the first one is less likely to make my SO defensive. I do avoid things like "it SORT OF bothers me when..." I prefer clear, direct statements of the issue.

I believe you need to be honest in a relationship but you don't need to be mean, unnecessarily harsh or accusatory. Life can be plenty tough as it is. Why make it harder when a simple adjustment to phrasing can help?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it is something the other person has no control about, such as a physical feature, a quirk that is an ingrained part of their personality, or their laugh....you need to learn to live with it.

What would be the purpose of telling someone they have an annoying laugh? People can't change how they express joy or humor. All that would do is make that person self-conscious about feeling and expressing humor. I personally just try to stay away from any type of criticism unless it is solicited in a self-improvement type way, and then it needs to be done with compassion, lots of positive reminders, and a true concern for the other person. It isn't my job to tell other people what is wrong with them, I have enough of my own faults to deal with.

On something like a laugh, people laugh how they laugh. Either learn to live with it or move on, but don't pick someone apart for something they have no control over.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:41 AM, November 8th (Friday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say it's too honest if the goal isn't to improve the relationship.

Which is easier, to suppress a laugh, or to suppress a negative opinion? Which would make time together more enjoyable for BOTH of you?


Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say to be thankful and appreciate that you get to share a laugh with someone special to you. We don't all have that...

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9176 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Topic Posts: 5

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