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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: NB, phase X.Y
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D'ed 1.5 years, S almost 3. I'm passed the direct pain of losing a marriage, being shocked, being mad ABOUT the sex and love part, and I'm entering a new and interesting phase.

BTW, those 5 phases of grief? LOL! There's no way to organize this shit, it's all over the place for a long time, enough said.

I have been in a pretty successful relationship for six months and I still suffer from some old issues but continue to work on it. It was a long time before I had let go ENOUGH of my past to start a new relationship but, even now, I'm not DONE with my past and don't think I ever will be. I am much less 'disney princess' and much more 'take it or leave it' now. Call it pessimistic, call it practical, it is what it is. The starry-eyed notions of love just don't mean anything to me anymore beyond being kind of pathetic and incredibly naive. I don't mean that to sound harsh, merely stating it. The issue is I have trouble talking to my partner about it because who wants to be in a relationship with someone like that? I have no hope for the future b/c I don't believe in hope. But that doesn't mean I can't commit, be dedicated, etc., I just don't want to plan for any future that may not exist. Anyway. . . .

The ghosts that currently haunt me are mostly angry about being where I am in life. I relocated near my ex in laws, gave up a promising career, and made deals with my ex about my future - basically that my investment was in my family and not my job. And now I find myself HAVING to live here or move my kids away from their mom. I don't want to move but there are not career opportunities here for me. I can't afford to buy a house. I have to build a new future with nothing, at 41, blah, blah - many of us are in this same situation. I could have had a very promising career but I sacrificed it for my family and children. My children will still benefit, but to a lesser degree - they are now from a divorced family. I am trying hard to reinvent myself, but I feel like I had 20 years - half my life - invested in Plan A, and no matter how great Plan B may be, I still have a long way to go and I'm not getting any younger.

So I'm pissed. Pissed that my past affects my new love life and I've lost my naive view on what love is. Pissed that my career will likely never be what it could have been. Angry that I have to still interact and take the high road with my ex who will never face retribution for her actions and will move forward no worse off than she was before she made decisions that totally redirected my life against my will.

I meet with my IC regularly and have EMDR'd and CBT'd the crap out of myself. I have made great leaps - but I still have this huge angry chip on my shoulder that says the world owes me something. I know it doesn't, it doesn't matter. I still suffer and it isn't fair nor do I deserve it. And to top it off, there is no justice in the world for me.

And I totally get that I'm just whining and it's not helpful and that I just need to think positively and meditate and blah, blah, blah. Well I get really tired of having to actively pursue a reality that doesn't suck. Sometimes it would be nice (and it does happen) to just live without the weight of the past, the baggage of the mind fucking, the feeling that shit just went down bad and there's nothing I can do about it anymore except move forward. Sure, those are all great things compared to a lot of people but they still suck.

Anyway, it helped to write this out somewhere and to gear up for my IC appt today. I find that going in pissed off is more productive:)


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember it takes 2-5 years to heal. I know that old time thing is not helpful, but it is true.

Look at all the progress you have made in 1.5 years since D. Think what it will be 2 years from now!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This ^^^ exactly. Year three was not that much fun for me. I was still churning through the grief, anger and resentment of twenty years wasted on an idiot.

Year five is very sweet so far.

I'm wayyyy older than you gomphus, and back in school finishing a degree in something I love, as well as taking online courses in web design and *gasp* coding, because I like the feeling of getting new wrinkles in my grey matter.

After struggling with the whole idea of bringing someone new into my life, I decided to just put all my energy into a relationship with myself.

So far it's been very fulfilling.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:35 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I could have written your post. The career, the moving, the whole thing. Well minus the kids, but that''s just another thing to add to my list to be pissed about. So you have *all* my feels on this one. And I have no solution. None. Goddammit.

But I do think a lot about myself and how I am. What I have done in my past that was literally getting in my own way. Much of it comes from immutable personality characteristics that I can''t shake. But I have realized one thing. One thing I think I can attack. And that one thing is very rarely do I do what I want. I do what I think I should. I do what I must. I do what other people need. But me? I do a very poor job of meeting my own needs. Emotional. Physical. Whatever.

I have to choose my next post. I have to put together a wish list. And number one on that list? Well, numbers 1-5, are places that I want to go. They meet no one's needs but mine. They don''t even necessarily meet my financial needs. They are just cool as shit and I - *I* - want to go there.

Selfishness gets a bad rap b/c it usually implies screwing someone over in service of yourself. But there are times when selfishness is NOT screwing yourself over in service of someone else who doesn't need all the care-taking you're sending their way.

Idk what your room for maneuvering really is. But it's something to think about.

[This message edited by cayc at 8:54 AM, November 7th, 2013 (Thursday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3086 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Its actually very helpful. I'm used to the four letter word TimE. i guess I was just thinking I would stop progressing. I still don't believe one is ever finished healing but I have definitely changed and can accept that I will continue to. Still, lately none of that matter beyond struggling not to be pissed or sad most of the time. It's funny how quickly we forget the good days when stuck in the bad ones.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, wrestle with doing things i think i SHOULD do. I am working on that with my SO. I can not relocate. I am 'stuck'. Sure, by choice but I have too much here to leave. Friends, a business, my kids childhoods, SO...


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
9.10.11
♂ Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G, what really helped me is to quit say'n "I, Me, My". that was the same BS my Xww would say. Now I think of the hell my kids have gone through, my parents, friends, etc.
Help with a church during the holidays making food for those who struggle to just find food and water.
I know you think your life sucks and it's not your fault. Sorry, G, it is. Always good to have a pity party every now and then, but you are the only one in control of your happiness.
Stay positive and focus on others that need your help, ie your kids.
It could be alot worse. we aren't in another country risking our lives for our country.....away from those who love us.....away from those we love.
Take care, G, and think positive. Be thankful for what you do have.
Hang in there.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told a friend yesterday that most days I feel like I am existing, but not living.

I bought some new clothes last week, and was casually talking to the ladies at the register, and I shop there enough they "kinda" know me. They were fun, helping me pick out something new for a date. THAT was fun, but then asked me about dating after D. What do I "do" now? So, I rattled off, "My ex is gay. I'm a full time single Mom of 2 special needs kids, I'm in a Masters Program at a top tier school that focuses on legal research and writing, and finishing an associates degree simultaneously in litigation."

The manager looked at the other girl and said, "She is no joke."

It stuck with me in good and bad ways. I am doing these things because I SHOULD, not because I want to. But, being the person who always does what you SHOULD, that is the role I am good at. I am existing because I have to, there is no choice for me. My kids need me, and I need a future career.

So, yeah. Gomphus and I are on the same timeline. Christmas will be the beginning of year 4. I have to stop and think now: what year, what timeline, what day? I am not consumed with what happened any longer, I actually let it go a long time ago. I don't feel like the world owes me anything. I carry very little anger toward ex.

I still have hope, but it IS tainted. Talking with friends, I think most of us hoped that once we had moved forward, it would be rainbow and butterflies again. But, we have been affected by infidelity whether we want to be or not. It will never be gone.

Part of healing is accepting we will never be the same. We were forced to become new people. I think it will stay with me the rest of my life. Not in a bad way, it is almost incorporated into who I am now. In many ways, I am a better, more caring, more "intuitive" person than I used to be.

I think the best thing you could do would be to talk to your SO about how you are feeling. She isn't your ex. She might actually give a crap about how you feel. Keeping things in and not sharing doesn't foster an open and trusting relationship.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4142 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, wrestle with doing things i think i SHOULD do. I am working on that with my SO. I can not relocate. I am 'stuck'. Sure, by choice but I have too much here to leave. Friends, a business, my kids childhoods, SO...

Yeah, I wasn't saying move. Just look at the shoulds versus the wants. Because if your life is all shoulds, that's no way to live. (We can trade places if you'd like. I don't want to move. I love where I am, but my job requires it so moving it will be! But I'm just going to focus on what I want, rather than what I should do for say my career).

I think the best thing you could do would be to talk to your SO about how you are feeling. She isn't your ex. She might actually give a crap about how you feel. Keeping things in and not sharing doesn't foster an open and trusting relationship.

I can't agree with this enough. I got into the habit of never sharing what I wanted or how I felt with xWH b/c well, he'd be a dick about it. Out of all the baggage I carry from that disastrous M, having to be upfront about what I'm thinking and feeling with the people important to me has turned out to be the most difficult.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3086 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get really tired of having to actively pursue a reality that doesn't suck.

What sucks? Specifically?

I can not relocate. I am 'stuck'. Sure, by choice but I have too much here to leave. Friends, a business, my kids childhoods, SO.

Where would you prefer to live? Specifically? Can you take 2-3 short vacations/long weekends "there" every year?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks again all.

The 'suck' is dealing with ex wife and being a part of her pretend world whereby my high road is interpreted by her as 'everything is ok, he was wrong and i was right' deal. I know that's childish but I'm sick of the whole no accountability thing on her end. It drives me nuts out of principle. That and being affected by infidelity so that I carry pieces of that into my new relationship and making it difficult. I don't mean to exaggerate - it really doesn't suck to be healing but it does suck, in some small way, to need to heal. Yeah, I know, i'm better off (THank God) but one of my biggest crutches is not being able to see the good for the bad. I KNOW i've done a lot in the past 3 years, a LOT, but much more immediate it is that it's a pain in my ass to deal with ex.

In IC today we laid out a 21/90 day positive affirmation plan to try and reset my neural pathways that lead to automatic plugging in of negative thoughts. I'm looking forward to pushing my comfort zone and being overly positive just to see if, after 21-90 days, it makes a difference.

I'm not a negative person and have learned to find joy in the world, but I have trouble appreciating and acknowledging my successes - and I focus too much on the shortcomings. That is my next echelon of healing.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and thanks, cmego, that is also part of the plan. I am going to open with 'i just need to get some things out' and see what happens.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when we hold onto the anger and resentment a bit longer than we feel we need to, we are doing it because it serves a purpose for us. At this point, this far out, you have been thru the 5 stages of grief a few times I am sure.

Pissed that my past affects my new love life and I've lost my naive view on what love is.
The loss of our innocence and our belief in the way life SHOULD work as opposed as to how it REALLY works is a tough one to deal with and is just as tough as the betrayal.

I'm struggling with some anger over my situation also. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be in this financial situation (it sucks it sucks it sucks), I don't want to be a single mom raising my kids, I don't want their childhoods to be "less than" and I don't want to be dealing with the left-over health problems that all this trauma has brought. I'm angry and I'm depressed and I feel hate and am cynical. I'm past wanting others to suffer though, which is nice, but I am tired of suffering myself. I sure as hell don't want someone else telling me to be positive, put a smile on my face, choose to be happy, or karma will get them.

I'll be happy again when I choose to be happy and am ready for it again. I'm starting to get sick of myself being depressed and angry because that isn't who I am at my core. I miss the real me. I want her back, but I'm not 100% ready just yet. I have to figure out a way to incorporate what I now know about the world into my "Disney princess" views from before. Once I figure out what my beliefs are again I am sure I'll be okay.

You aren't ready for happiness again yet. Because you've been thru the worst of the trauma so when you are ready, you will find a way to make it happen. What is holding you back? For me, I think it is the fear of getting hurt again. I don't want to be happy again just to have it taken away again. I know I want to be happy again, but I'm not 100% ready to take that chance. I hope I get there soon though.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15227 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. I still have hope, but it IS tainted. Talking with friends, I think most of us hoped that once we had moved forward, it would be rainbow and butterflies again. But, we have been affected by infidelity whether we want to be or not. It will never be gone.

Part of healing is accepting we will never be the same. We were forced to become new people. I think it will stay with me the rest of my life. Not in a bad way, it is almost incorporated into who I am now. In many ways, I am a better, more caring, more "intuitive" person than I used to be.

I have definitely become a new person. Changed forever by this experience. Damaged for sure, but hopefully on the path to recovery and healing. I don't want to remain "damaged" be how does that ever go away? His choices changed who I am forever- I cannot "UNexperience" his infidelity.

I am mad about it too, though. It isn't supposed to be like this. I'm mad about being a single mom. Mad about being a single woman all alone in this state that he had to move to. Mad that he can go on living his life in LaLaLand where he is a victim of is own circumstances without repercussions that I know of (well, I find out about many but it sometimes feels like there should be more). Mad that my future is now up in the air and unknown.

But, I don't let these kind of feelings consume my thoughts. Sure they are in the back of my mind by mostly I just do what needs to be done like I always have. I've picked myself up and begun to make a new life for myself and the kids. Is it easy? Hell no. But what other choice do I have? (And there I am back to not having the choice, and it comes full circle for me. Pisses me off but what can I do?)

So now I choose. I choose to be happy. To have great friends and have fun and live life. I choose now. It's not always easy, but I know it is what is best for my kids so that helps keep me moving forward.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3582 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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