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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: t/j: careerlady's fears/likely reality
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the fear vs. reality thread, careerlady posted some fears but isn't far enough along for reality, so I thought it might be nice for those of us further out to post likely scenarios. It's so hard to see when you're in the thick of things, but one of the things that kept me going was hearing success stories from other people, imagine my new, fabulous life, and getting encouragement.

Fear: it will be hard for me to give my 16 month old son up for a whole day or 2 at a time and it will be hard for him to go back and forth. Also STBX is unreliable so he may not keep to our agreements. Conversely, maybe I won't have much help with child rearing and the nanny will have to cover my hours (right now STBX is traveling most of the week). My parents said they will visit once a month to help.

Likely reality: you will become even closer with your parents, and your son will develop a wonderful relationship with them -- closer than either of you otherwise would have been.

Because he's still so young and won't remember his parents together, it will be normal for him, since kids are resilient and he has a fabulous, caring mom. He'll be fine. I don't have kids, but many moms on here have said that they ended up appreciating having some time to themselves.

You're smart and will figure out issues surrounding childcare.

Fear: My STBX will see the light and stop being a verbally abusive cheater and I'll miss out on the improved version (yeah right he's still blaming everyone else for this)

Likely reality: As you said yourself, this isn't going to happen. And, if he does shape up, it will be good for your son to have two good parents in his life. By the time this would happen (if it were to ever happen) you'll already be at indifference and living a new, wonderful life (probably with an amazing guy) and wonder why you ever wanted to be with XWH.

Fear: I'll be lonely because I moved up here for STBX's career and now I'm stuck hundreds of miles away from my family and friends without him. Already started making some good friends up here so hopefully that's not true.

Likely reality: You've already started making friends. You sound like a social person, and you'll meet a ton of people as your son gets into more activities. Pretty soon your social calendar will be really full and you'll have trouble fitting everything in.

Fear: I'll never find a good man.

Likely reality: There are tons of good, honest, faithful men. If you take the time to properly heal, you'll eventually find one. My IC told me that once I'm in a good relationship, I won't even believe how wonderful it can be. (Cheaters usually also have other undesirable relationship characteristics.) I figure that I will appreciate this good man more when I find him since I've experienced the opposite and won't take him for granted ever!

I know when I was just a few months in, I posted a similar fear on a completely unrelated forum. One poster responded with a vivid picture of how, once I'm past this, I'll find a good guy. We'll be snuggling in front of the fireplace, and he'll be thanking XWH for being such an idiot for letting an amazing woman get away. That carried me through some dark days.

Fear: I will struggle financially. Even though I was the breadwinner I worry about paying for the house on my own, paying for childcare on my own, and him winning alimony.

Likely reality: You'll make it. You make good money, and will make adjustments as necessary. Alimony, if he gets any, won't be forever, so you make have to pare down your plans for a while (I had to) but in the long run, you'll be much better off. You'll realize that he spent money on ridiculous things, so once it's just you and your son, you'll have extra money left over!

Careerlady, I know it's hard to see now, but you have an amazing future ahead of you. I know life has great things in store for you, and I can't wait to hear about them happening to you!!! We've seen it play out here so many times. We joke about a WS handbook, but I also think there is a post-D BS handbook, also. After mourning and getting through some really tough stuff, we pick ourselves up and remake our lives to be far better than we ever could have imagined at D-Day minus 1.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Dec 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy crap, careerlady, almost all of those were my fears too!

I do enjoy my down time when Teslet is with his dad. I get to re-energize, get the nitty-gritty things done. I'm a better mom because I get a little me time. Teslet does have some trouble going back and forth but he doesn't remember us together for which I am grateful. It is his normal and I believe he and I are closer because he sees me doing everything myself while dad has a helper that does most everything for him.

I was so worried that ex-shat would become a better man once he left me. He would become everything I hoped and dreamed he would become and I would be left behind like a piece of trash. Yeah...totally unfounded fear on my part...have you read one of my ex-shat threads lately? The guy is a disaster and I'm coming up on 2 yrs out from d-day.

I am also hundreds of miles away from family but I've developed a new social circle of people that are willing to help me out when I need it.

I understand the financial fears as well. I'm just making it...but I am making it. I don't live extravagantly...I can't do expensive things with Teslet or buy him top of the line stuff. But we have what we need and we are happy.

As to the fear if not being able to find a good man...well, I still wonder if I'll ever meet someone I want to trust...but I'm so busy with everything else in my life that I've decided not to worry about finding a guy. If it happens, awesome. Otherwise, I have found many joys in being single and being in control of my life.

Time will help assuage your fears.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4618 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phmh you are so sweet thank you! Sorry if I mucked up the other thread I thought I saw someone else posting just fears.

I feel guilty but sometimes I do think it might be nice to have a little break from DS. I am the caretaker 100% when not working, STBX never helped me other than watching him for a few hours when I was post nights on the weekend so having a whole day off would be dramatic.

You''re right that STBX wasn''t a good partner in MANY other ways. I know what I''m looking for now, and I love the fireplace scenario

Tesla thanks so much for your response. I have been following your saga with your ex and Teslet and it's good to know we had the same fears and you are overcoming.

Thanks so much again this made my night!

[This message edited by careerlady at 2:42 AM, November 7th, 2013 (Thursday)]


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to apologize -- you wouldn't have mucked up the other thread; I just wanted to make sure it didn't get lost.

I know we all have these terrible fears, but humans are amazingly resilient. So much of what happens to us relates to our attitude. If we think good things are going to happen to us, we act accordingly and present ourselves to the world in ways that people want to help us out and good things will happen.

Even the day before D-Day, I thought I had the perfect marriage. I felt so lucky to have a wonderful husband and life. But that's just because I tend to have a very cheery outlook in general, so I was able to overlook his verbal and emotional abuse, as well as his sociopathic behaviors. I considered suicide after D-Day and was certain I'd never be happy again. And now, less than two years later, things are so great that the me from two years ago never would have believed this is my current life.

You'll get there. You have to go through the roller coaster, moments of unbelievable pain and sadness, etc. But you'll come out the other side. I still wouldn't wish this on anyone, but you have to play the hand you're dealt.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 4

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