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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm Killing My Father In Law
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Halloween I received a call from my MIL..and like an idiot I took it. I thought it would be a good idea to try and remain amicable with the in-laws even though they had already shown that they don't really care about me but only about themselves and their time with the baby. In my mind I thought, they are going to be the ones who have DS when he is with STBX, and I wanted us to be allies for the sake of the baby. I have to get my head out of lala land.

Of course they are upset that I moved 2 1/2 hours away, but I reminded my MIL that I did so in response to her son's actions. I didn't wake up one day and say I want to take DS away from his grandparents. I reminded her that her son cheated, left us, moved into his own place, got an attorney, and said he wasn't going to give me any financial support. I reminded her that I moved because I had to do something for myself and my son. Luckily I kept my job and am able to work from home, but while I was going to work every day before I moved she was watching DS for me during the day (and we were paying her $150 a week for daycare).

I told her I wished things were amicable with her son, but that every communication that he sends me is nasty, filled with insults and false accusations. She said, "well is he drunk when he sends those emails?" I said, I don't know, but he's very hostile towards me and that's his prerogative, but I didn't create this situation. She said, I don't want to talk about the past, I only want to talk about the future. (Translation: I don't want to admit that my son created this situation, I only want to manipulate you so that you do what I want)

I told her that DS will be with her and STBX's family soon and that my attorney is working hard to get a temporary time sharing agreement in place. I said he will be with you guys every other weekend. She said "every other weekend isn't enough, it's not fair, that's STBX's time, what about our time with the baby? grandparents have rights too!" I told her that there were weeks and weeks where MY parents didn't see DS and that's just the way it was when I lived away from my family. She said, "it's not the same thing, DS was used to being with US every day and WE should have him every other week."

I said, we probably shouldn't be talking about this right now, but I have to do what is in the best interest of my child and I don't think having an infant away from his mom for a whole week is a good idea. She replied, "it's not like you saw him all the time while you were going to work, you only saw him for breakfast!" It took everything in me to stay calm and remain civil. I'm sorry, but I'm a working mom. I took my DS to her instead of a daycare because I thought it would be best for my child to be with his grandparent. But now I regret that as much as I regret staying in town after DDay. I should have moved home when I was on maternity leave, but I wanted to give my STBX a chance to right his wrong. Our baby was only 10 days old on DDay and the whole thing was devastating.

When she realized that she wasn't going talk me into agreeing to a 50/50 split with her drunk of a son, she got even more frustrated and gave me her a final parting shot. She said, "the last thing I want to say to you is YOU ARE KILLING MY HUSBAND!"
My STBXFIL has pancreatic cancer and recently had surgery. He's had it for 3 years and only recently decided to have the surgery. It's not my fault that her son decided to cheat on his pregnant wife, leave his wife and baby, get an attorney, file for Divorce, etc.

Anyway...I can tell this isn't going to be an easy road, but NC really does =No New Hurts. And that goes for everyone connected to STBX. After 9 years as a part of this family, I never expected how ugly this would get. MY MIL had been nothing but sweet to me until this all happened, and apparently it's all my fault. I never thought things would get like this.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 10:35 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Behavior has consequences.

Her son's behavior.

This is not on you in the least.

Your entire conversation was no more than a feeble, narcissistic attempt by your in-law to guilt you.

It sounds as though you're having none of it.

Keep up the good work for you and your children.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to his family. You could end up tipping your legal hand to STBX with something seemingly innocuous. Just stop. Their "rights" are not your concern. That's between them and their son.

Period.
((((newmom))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to his family. You could end up tipping your legal hand to STBX with something seemingly innocuous. Just stop. Their "rights" are not your concern. That's between them and their son.
Period.

This.
Stop talking to them, please. Don't take their calls. The only thing they are offering is excuses for their son's crappy behavior and blameshifting. It seems he learned at the feet of the master, huh?


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6526 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys! I agree and I've come to this conclusion myself. Plus isn't like I want to talk to them again after this last exchange. I've stayed away from them and haven't had much contact or communication with them until now.

I guess I was just feeling anxious as I know I'm going to hand over my son to STBX for visitation soon and was hopeful there would be someone on the other side that would make me feel comfortable. My son is only 8 months old and I worry that when he isn't with me something could happen and I wouldn't be informed. I don't know...I guess I'll have to cross that bridge.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Narcissistic much?
Jeezo pete. Do yourself a favor and listen to NIK and others.

Don't answer he calls, don't respond to any communication from her. If she wants time with that baby that is between her and your STBX.

I am so sorry you had to deal with that on a day that should have been happy. But at least now you know where she stands, and this simply for her own needs, and wishes.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Losttransport
♀ Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with other's responses. Don't take further calls from them. Obviously, MIL sees no wrong with her son, and expects you to take the blame. Sounds like you are staying strong!


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry! I'm bracing myself for the same to happen to me even though I fantasize some would take my side. You really find out that blood is thicker than water at these times. Your STBX should have thought about the repercussions for his family when he did what he did.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said "every other weekend isn't enough, it's not fair, that's STBX's time, what about our time with the baby? grandparents have rights too!"

take heed these words though. Here in my state there is a grandparent's right's law. Our friend's parents did this in order to keep his daughter in Indiana since the mom want to move to california with her new fiance.

two and a half hours may not be that bad and may not become an issue, but she can prove that the child had significant amount of time with them and that there was a bond formed.

If you have a lawyer, you need to bring this conversation up as soon as you can. They will need to know that this may come up.

Also, I agree with the 'don't ever talk to her again' crowd. Toxic lady for sure.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what state you are in but in my state children do not have to be allowed overnights until they are a certain age. I would not be sending my baby every other weekend. I would talk to your lawyer to see if that is a must. At least until the baby is a little older.

I also agree stop talking to all of them. They have their own best interests at heart not yours or the babies.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to his family. You could end up tipping your legal hand to STBX with something seemingly innocuous. Just stop. Their "rights" are not your concern. That's between them and their son.
Period.

^^THIS. It also stops the mind fuck. You don't need to justify yourself to them. They had their chance to help you out and they didn't. She is upset that you have taken control of your own life and are no longer at her sons or her mercy.

Not sure what state you are in but in my state children do not have to be allowed overnights until they are a certain age. I would not be sending my baby every other weekend. I would talk to your lawyer to see if that is a must. At least until the baby is a little older.

^^THIS too. 8m is far too young especially given it doesn't sound like he has done much of the caring.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? What a bunch of blame shifting selfish arseholes.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 3:51 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like everyone else has said, NC the in-laws.

Do mention to your lawyer the possibility of the grandparents filing for visitation. Be sure you have documented the money you paid for day-care. If you had to pay them, it was a BUSINESS relationship. You wouldn't expect a daycare center to want visitation, why should they?

The shot about killing your FIL? Total BS! If anyone's to blame, it's WH. Document comments like that, because if they DO file for visitation, you can prove that they are a risk for parental alienation.

So glad you got away from those toxic people and are protecting yourself legally.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to detach from the family, even if it is his family. Everyone says "blood is thicker than water" and I didn't think it was really true in the beginning when everyone was calling me and supporting me and on my side. Now, since things have gotten ugly...because he made them uglier than they were and now I am in a defensive position...I have not gotten any calls. None. They are giving me the damn crickets. F them.

Don't talk to them. Be done. The only ones you need in your life are those that are on your team. That is it!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I concur - NC. But if there is to be any let it be email only or let them leave voicemail - and let every word you write be court worthy!

Do you have evidence that she was paid for babysitting? (ace in the hole - I'm betting she didn't claim it!) If you don't have evidence, I have an idea on how to get it. (PM me if needed)

There has been some backlash and backtracking on GP rights in the last decade... depends on your state, but for the most part they will likely have to go through your STBX for visitation... (worth reading up on though).


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, stop talking to these people!!!!!

Every time you talk to them you are giving them loaded legal guns to fire at you & weaken your position. Stop talking to them, stop talking to your STBX. Stop oversharing. Stop taking responsibility for shit you're not responsible for. Stop making visitation promises or implying visitation schedules & timetables.

Stop. Talking. Now.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop talking to them. You probably won't even have to do overnights for a while because your baby is still young. They will get to see him during your STBXH's visitation. If your STBXH is really a drunk I would go after supervised visitation. Not by his parents either, someone neutral.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU ARE KILLING MY HUSBAND!


It will gradually dawn on MIL that she has a dick for a son and will be all alone at some point.

Let's hope that encourages her to change her tune with you. If not, crickets.


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's too bad you didn't get the conversation recorded - she pretty much acknowledged/confirmed her son's drinking problem. That couldn't hurt you in your custody battle.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going through a rough time with my inlaws also. DS and I moved in with my parents and my inlaws live a few miles away. They believe and my stbxh that I'm keeping DS from them. He is 14 and goes over there freely, I very rarely say no you can't go. But I'm the bad guy, I'm the one being blamed for everything that has happened. My stbxh told me he wanted every other weekend visitation, he lives 12 hours away, so he and his parents could see DS whenever on his visitation. When I said no, I had a child with you not your parents, he said he would take me to court for his parents visitation rights. I told him go ahead. My mil was always so nice to me and now im the bad person that they blame for everything.

Good luck!
((((Hugs))))


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 21
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