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User Topic: What exactly is the "work" for the BS?
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a t/j from Reconcilliation. (I don't post there because I don't think I meet "R" criteria - although I have never seen any.

This...

It certainly sounds like your H is commited to making things work, and that is a very positive thing. The real question at this point is, are you willing to do the work too?

I really hate to be dense, but what is the "work" that the BS needs to be willing to do.

I have stayed. I continue to make attempts to get us to a better place. Blah, blah, blah.

What exactly is the "work" I need to be doing?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the work I have to do is forgive her and trust her again. I have to be open to her committing to the relationship and accepting of what she is doing to reconcile. If there is more I don't know what it is, and would love to know.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I hear that I think it is referring to the BS actively working on healing his or her hurt and anger and actively working on rebuilding the relationship. Even if the M was great prior to an A, an A causes a ton of trauma to the relationship and for R to be successful the BS needs to also be an active participant (when he or she is ready) in healing the M. How that's done is dependent on different variables.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone on here wrote me this, and I wish I remember who, but I refer back to it often:

One of the most difficult tasks a BS faces is understanding that life is changed forever. Followed by the equally difficult task of coming to terms with the fact that life has changed forever. What I mean is this: the affair happened and is never going away. It is now a part of your life history and it always will be. Its consequences include you have a different outlook on life that you had before. Probably more cynical; less trusting; perhaps more detaches and more assertive towards your own needs. You have become the new you. Perhaps not the “you” that was desired, but you are what you are now.
So the healing—and coping during healing—will involve coming to understand and accept the changes in you and in the life you will have going forward. You will simultaneously be happy with progress you make and royally pissed off that you have been thrown into a position of having to be different and “make progress.”
Making progress will require that you learn how to let the past go and let it not control, or even carry some power over, your present and your future. You will come to see that you must live your life in a way that please you rather than making decisions based on what has happened in the past. You may never get to 100% of being able to do that. To be honest, I am not at 100% - there is always the little demon locked up in the back of my head that tries to get out and cause a problem every once in a while. But you can, and will, get close to the “100% - it is all just history and doesn’t affect me now” level eventually.

A dilemma along the road is figuring out what actions/decisions/reactions are realistic and fair for you to have and which ones are being driven still by the A and aren’t necessarily fair or correct.

Feeling uncomfortable is part of the change of your life. Unwanted, unwelcome, unfair – but a fact that you will have to live with as you adjust to your new life.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Dec 2010
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me - codependency in the following areas.

1. Perfectionism
2. Needing to "fix" things
3. Putting aside my feelings/needs so my partner/family is "taken care of"
4. Not asking for help to avoid appearing weak.
5. Loyal to a fault.

Just to name a few.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc presents good wisdom here.

Got to get out of the "fairness" way of thinking...it won't work. Nothing a fWS can do will erase the history or the damage it has done. We are scarred for life....so to hold back from healing "until our spouse makes up for the wrong they have done to us" is futile and will not allow R to take place.

We have to find courage, to be courageous....the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation....to act rightly in the face of popular oppostion, shame, scandal, or discouragement.


To be sure I am NOT strictly speaking of being courageous with regards to our fWS's actions that thrust a reality we did not expect nor want. We must also act courageously to face our own internal fears, pains, etc.... One of mine has to do with abandonment issues and co-dependency dynamics. It sucks...to find out how imperfect we are while having to worry about the unity of our family, question the committment level of our spouses, healing from the direct hurts from our spouses affairs. But if this was easy we wouldnt need courage....we wouldnt really have much "work" to do. We could sit back and let our spouses take the reins....but we have work to do on ourselves. And only we can do that...no one else can. It takes courage from a BS to do that work.

I regularly pray for courage. SI members are full of courage...and I take much comfort in that fact.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:28 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3610 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
maddmurph
♂ Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me - codependency in the following areas.

1. Perfectionism
2. Needing to "fix" things
3. Putting aside my feelings/needs so my partner/family is "taken care of"
4. Not asking for help to avoid appearing weak.
5. Loyal to a fault.

Just to name a few.

Some days I struggle to come to SI and read other posts. I'm afraid I will get hurt, then everyday someone else writes exactly what I'm feeling. So nice to know I'm not alone.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got to get out of the "fairness" way of thinking...it won't work. Nothing a fWS can do will erase the history or the damage it has done. We are scarred for life....so to hold back from healing "until our spouse makes up for the wrong they have done to us" is futile and will not allow R to take place.

really good points. I can't do it yet.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WhatsRight - That was me, and that was specific to the case at hand. The BS in that situation was willing to stay in the house, and attempt R with the WS for the kids.

The thing was she made is sound like it was all on him, and she would then decide if she could R. My point, that I may not have gotten accross very clearly was that it takes both spouses doing the work of R. There needs to be good communications between the spouses, the BS needs to call the WS out on bullshit when they see it, and they really do have to commit to more than just "he can do all the work, and we will see."
That won't work, or at least work well.

Many of us as BS's have our self esteem in the toilet after Dday, and have to work to get ourselves stong. Some of us are very co depenedent, and look for happiness and approval through our spouse to make us happy. That is not a good way to live. You have to make your own choices and have your own actions for your own happiness, and once you are happy with who you are, the rest tends to fall into place for you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8242 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.

I have to admit that I think very highly of my efforts to find ways to heal...be patient when he doisn't show the same effort...think of others...etc.

But aside from that, I also have to admit that I have been "waiting" for him to step up to do his part. It hasn't happened. He is just weak. I don't think he has it in him.

I told him this morning that I needed to know what he wanted from me in this relationship, so I could figure out if I have it to give.

I don't want to be a slacker - which is why I asked this question - but I am 50 miles past empty.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been "waiting" for him to step up to do his part. It hasn't happened.

I am 50 miles past empty.

WhatsRight, think of self "work" as self-nourishment. You've been waiting for him to feed you for what -- 7 years?!?
Year 1... waiting.
Year 2... waiting.
Year 3... waiting.
Year 4... waiting.
Year 5... waiting.
Year 6... waiting.
Year 7... waiting.

No wonder you are empty.

At some point -- in your case, sooner rather than later -- you have to look elsewhere for a reason to stop the tears. Stop the pain. Stop the waiting. Re-write your goal.

Healing yourself, with or without your partner, is your "work."


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My work was truly listening to what he says. Not just letting it roll by because it might be said in an argument. Also after talking all about the affair and his reasons/excuses why he felt it was even a possibility, I try to make sure we don't get back to that place.

Also including in my work is making sure that I will be able to take care of myself in the future should it happen again.

I do love him and hope that our marriage beats the odds, but I also realize that even with all my work he could still go there again. And thats on him.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my mind, the work for a BS is to become the best "you" that you can.
In the case that you find yourself in false R or decide the infidelity was a deal breaker, you are in a better place to start over if you have strengthened yourself.

The other work is healing. The bleeding must be stopped first, then healing begins. With or without the WS, it's up to you.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What exactly is the "work" I need to be doing?

For me I need to figure out my own why's so to speak?

Why I stayed and continue to?

Why do I want to be M'd to my W now and moving forward?

Who am I now? I have changed and evolved because of this.

What do I want my life to look like moving forward?

For me these things has gotten at the root of forgiveness, resentment and truly how I view the universe.

That has been my work. Going well so far...

take care....



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the work has been looking at my family issues / stuff that happened long before I ever met my SAWH (specifically, my anxious attachment to my mother, my family's dysfunctional communication patterns and my acceptance of being treated poorly/not valued for myself by my mother); healing from the pain of deception (NOT easy but I am progressing) and resentment; realizing that no matter what happens in my marriage, it is vital that I heal because if I don't I risk being bitter and carrying that with me to any future relationships; realizing the difference between healing and being a victim. Also, I have to admit to myself that I allowed my husband to treat me like that for way too long without standing up for myself. I made far too many excuses for him even before his affair. I think people make the mistake of thinking that if they admit this about themselves it's like they "gave permission" or "asked" for their spouse to cheat on them. But I don't see it that way. I see it as recognizing a pattern of behavior and empowering yourself to make a change going forward.

What really helped me is that I realized that even though I felt like I was the only person who did not benefit from the triangle that was going on (i.e. the fun nights out, the long weekends they had together, the romantic trips, the finest restaurants, the business relationship, etc.) and how weakened I felt, I was the one who had the power. I had power to tell her boss or not tell her boss what was going on (she and my husband don't work for same company but there is a business relationship there and it would be damaging to her professionally and personally). For the record, I haven't told what went on…I just want her to go away and i think this is the best strategy to employ to achieve that. I have to power to stay or go in my marriage (going would actually be pretty advantageous to me in a lot of ways…and I still might).

You either choose to do the work or you don't. You have to decide what benefits you more. If you are honest with yourself, you will probably usually find that doing the work is a bigger benefit most of the time.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Raising my hand" here!

I want to do the work - even with or without the marriage resolution.

I just wasn't sure what "my" work was.

Tons of great suggestions here - now to get to work!

Thanks you guys!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:52 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc that was such an enlightening post. It describes exactly where I am at today. I have a whole new view on life, some of it is better and yes some of it is jaded.

The work that I have had to specifically work on is loving myself. To let my anger go and let the unknown go. To embrace today and my future. To be the best mom and support to my 2 kids and show them that people can overcome. So far all of the work I have done has been positive for me


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that he is my guru, but I heard Dr. Phil say yesterday that "The first thing y'all need to do is never speak of the past."

I am a firm believer in "Those who refuse to remember the past are destined to repeat it."

I do also believe that there is a big difference in throwing something into the face of an 'offender' again and again - and trying to get answers to questions, and reflect on lessons learned.

How to walk that tightrope is something I admit I probably haven't learned yet.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do also believe that there is a big difference in throwing something into the face of an 'offender' again and again - and trying to get answers to questions, and reflect on lessons learned.

so true. And when I try to do this the victim and punisher words get thrown around - here and at home.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:29 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Dec 2010
inca
♀ Member
Member # 35298
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. Rachele and woman influx points really spoke to me.

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2012
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