What bothers me the most, is that he had every intention of having sex with her. He had no idea he would not be able to achieve an erection while with her ... hell he even took medication designed to make sure he was able to have an erection! So, obviously he had every intention of sleeping with her ... although he now believe the reason he did not come prepared with condoms is because he had a "thought or two that what he was doing was wrong" ( which I do not really believe) He has never ever enjoyed wearing condoms, and complains constantly when I asked him to use them !
What I can't get over, is the intent to have sex was very prevalent ... However, no attempt was made to protect me from any diseases or whatever the other woman has. I believe that he would have had sex without a second thought had he been able to get an erection. I honestly believe if he had been able to achieve an erection, he would have had sex with her regardless condom or not!
I find that very hard to accept . They planned, they discussed, they desired ... everything that they anticipated would happen between them on both occasions ! He was expecting to have sex with her, planning to have sex with her, he had no way of knowing he would not be able to have an erection ... especially during the first time! The second encounter he took measurements to ensure he would! Again, he had no knowledge that his taking supplements would be unsuccessful ... yet again he did not bring condoms!
The intent on these two occasions was very clear , they were definitely on the same page regarding what they wanted ! Had the circumstances not arrived , and he were able to achieve an erection... I 100 percent believe he would have had sex with her without a condom. He insists that he could never have done it, he claims she repulsed him... so after the first time he took additional steps to ensure he was able to have sex with her .Again, not knowing his attempt would be unsuccessful, yet still he did not bring condoms!
How do I move past the fact that he planned to have sex with somebody else unprotected!!! And, that in his own mind he honestly believes that something inside him told him it was wrong ....and that's why he didn't bring protection and why he couldn't get an erection!
I just can't buy that, WOULD YOU?
(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
How do I move past the fact that he planned to have sex with somebody else unprotected!!!
I think it's more so the fact that "how do I accept that I can't truly ever trust anyone". I don't have the answer for that one... I would surely impart it if I did!
And, that in his own mind he honestly believes that something inside him told him it was wrong ....and that's why he didn't bring protection and why he couldn't get an erection!
MMM, well I don't know your full story. Lets assume that is 100% correct. It still means he's *insert explicative here* and selfish.
Lately I've been think the key to surviving this infidelity shitstorm, and this is just me personally, that you have to actually accept what happened. I hope that makes sense, it's a consistent understanding of what happened and accepting that it is a written part of our history that can't change.
He get all wanky and tell him about his 'feelings' or 'subconscious reasons' but you know what, it doesn't change what he did. Since I've slowly been accepting that I have to take it on face value I've been feeling consistently a lot better and in control of my life.
I was the Queen of hearing his 'feelings' his 'subconscious motivations' but that distracted me from just looking at what wh did and gradually start the acceptance process.
I hope that somewhat helps,
[This message edited by lauren123 at 3:06 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
My WBF also said this and I don't believe him. For some reason saying he couldn't get an erection sweetens the pill. Sorry realised there was a connection there to your story. I have experience of the pills not working so its perfectly plausible he couldn't get an erection. But really???? They had sex talk, they found a venue they must have been kissing and naked.
Ask yourself - would it make a difference to YOU if you found out he had sex with her?
Interestingly, Lauren's response also strikes a chord with me. I empathise a lot and I listen to the underlying feelings. I realise I need to know the facts and make my own mind up.
If he can make a decision that it meant nothing and he wants to be with me, I need to know the facts so that I too can make an informed decision. Not necessarily about the details but about the disclosure and trying to put myself in that position. He is telling me he got caught up in a situation and he regrets it, it went too far. In order to believe him I need to hear what led him onwards step by step. I think this involves getting the full story. There is always the risk that they will still lie, so we have to trust ourselves to accept what we take as the truth.
Lauren, can you talk more about your acceptance process?
[This message edited by KatieG at 3:25 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
Please look after yourself.
Why did he not bring condoms? He didn't want to use one and didn't think about your safety...only his pleasure....which is all consistent with the selfishness involved in an A.
Good luck sorting it all out. I do like what Lauren said: (paraphrasing here: it happened. Accept it. Next step, whatever that is for you.)
Good luck sorting it all out.
He didn't want to use one and didn't think about your safety...only his pleasure....which is all consistent with the selfishness involved in an A.
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 6:53 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]