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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double Betrayal
SolsticeMoon
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Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It helps me to read about other people whose child(ren) were friends with the AP's children. My daughter is only 8 now and the AP's son is 7, they were BFFs for about 5 years and we have NC now, but I worry that one day when she is older she will reach out to reconnect with him. She stills asks for him and about him and doesn't understand why she can't be friends with him anymore.

We had been neighbors at one point, we lived in the same metro area when I found out and we have since move cross country.

I hate that my husband's affair caused my child her friend.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
SolsticeMoon
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Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the OW has been outed. I didn't tell her partner outright, but as he was also a friend, I sent him a message informing him that I would no longer be in contact with him. This prompted the OW to "have to" confess to him, only after she tried to collaborate with my husband about what they would and wouldn't tell us about the affair…that didn't work.

The OW's partner then began questioning many friends, some that were mutual, to try to investigate.

I personally am quite private and so I tried to be very selective about who I told.

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed. And I debated contacting her employer. She told me herself after I found out that she had an assessment done with a mental health professional and was referred to SAA; and I do not think that she should be allowed to work in her professional specialty as a Sex Addict.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
littleflower
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Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed.

Love it !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Starfish4477
♀ New Member
Member # 41360
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?
Well, my wife's AP was our neigbor. Gently, though, your neighbor can't "steal" your husband.


Other people are not medicine.

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The unprotected sex thing is so common, it is shocking. It was one of the most hurtful things of my H's affair. . .

Yes, SM -- her kids were some of my son's best friends, and the younger one was my favorite kid, ever. I used to joke with my son that if it didn't work out with him, I'd just go adopt this little boy; he loved me (and my H, actually) too. It was one of my biggest losses.

My son was 9 on dday, and he knows he can associate with their kids outside of our homes (at b-day parties, other friend's houses, etc.) but that we aren't friends with the family any more. He is very sharp and emotionally astute, and wonders and asks often what happened. He has also noticed that OBS is friendly and waves to him and me, but AP has snubbed him a couple of times. (I could literally slap her for that -- who would be so awful to a child? A narcissistic P.O.S, that is who.) So, he has the sense that it had to do with her, and I am just leaving it at that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't say I'm thrilled to be joining this club, but I am so grateful to have found this forum. Thank you all for being brave enough to contribute!

We live in a small town and our family and OW's family spent a lot of time together. We have a lot of mutual friends, almost all of whom we introduced them to since they are relatively new to the area. It's the classic double betrayal story with all of the accompanying manipulation and it's all fresh and raw enough for me that I am still an emotional pinball on a daily basis.

I so badly want to be able to turn to my friends for support, but I can't decide if it's worth having to defend my choice to try to R, or worth all the pitiful looks I know I will get every time I go to buy a carton of milk (news travels fast around here). Mostly, though, I'm afraid of the possible effect a confession could have on my children. They are too young to really understand anything specific that might be said in their presence, but they are smart and they definitely read emotions. People are starting to notice and think it's a little strange that OW/XBFF and I are NC (previous to dday we texted daily and spent a lot of time together), so it may soon be a moot point, but:

How many of you told mutual friends? How many of you kept the A secret? How do you feel about that decision now?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's obviously your choice, since you are thinking of R.

However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

By you keeping the secret and not open up to your REAL friends for support, you are thinking of him first, not you. You need to heal, you need support. Besides, a little shame on your husband, won't do him any harm.

I can honestly say, that if it wasn't for me opening up, I don't know if I could of survived this without going crazy. Everyone that knew OW, knew that's who STBXH had affair with.

Too bad if he's embarrassed when he sees mutual friends. That's his burden to carry, not yours. And do not let anyone tell you to "get over it". Only people that have gone through this, specially double betrayal, really "Get it".

If you need to talk anytime just PM. You will survive this. You are stronger than you think.


I edit - because I hate misspellings or grammar mistakes.

Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Jackie89.
I cried reading your response, not because of your advice but because it is so amazing to be able to talk about this with people who have been through it. Thank you for that.

You're probably right about me protecting him on some level. Unhealthy, I know. The kids (mostly mine but hers too, honestly) are a factor though. Food for thought.

I never thought I would still be learning who I was at this point in my life (or that the learning curve could be so steep).


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OneFootFirst

Initially I didn't want ANYONE to know , I felt humiliated by the actions of my X BFF
but when her husband found out , he told a few of his close friends which ment that friends of ours knew and we became a bit of gossip , but at least we are not getting invited to the same party's !
I chose 1 close friend to confide in and she has been my rock.

You will feel so much better to have a support person.


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, littleflower-- I think that's kind of where I am now and why I finally decided to stop lurking and post. I don't want to burden anyone else with a secret, although I know I have not personally felt burdened by friends' confessions in the past. Logic is maybe not my strong suit at the moment!

BTW, your "stupid slapper" comment earlier in the thread killed me. Is there a way to set up an automated call for that type of thing?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Automated - now I hadn't thought of that

I also liked someone's idea of putting poster up in their area
I was thinking maybe
Unwanted posters that they would see on their drive to work ....


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jackie89


However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

I have been thinking about your comment

I feel that it was their secret
Now I know , it's no longer a secret
Therefore any spell is broken and it's just action and consequence


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
threewords
♀ New Member
Member # 42924
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh. I guess I'm part of this club too.

WH and I are both in the military. There is an unwritten rule that when a military member deploys, the other members of his or her unit should take care of the spouse-left-behind. Obviously, it is usually the men that deploy and their wives that are left behind. WH has always been an outgoing, charming, helpful, needs-to-be-liked kind of guy. When other members of his unit deployed, he would offer to babysit, put up Christmas lights, mow the lawn, repair sprinklers, whatever.

When one of his good friends deployed in 2012, he did the same for his friend's wife (the AP-to-be). WH brought me with him to help out - he would work in the yard while OW (his friend's wife) and I would talk and our kids would play together. I was pretty pregnant at the time and didn't mind relaxing with her while he worked - she and I got to be incredibly close. As time passed, the three of us would go out together for dinner, drinks, etc. Being pregnant (and then later, having a newborn), I would usually go home after dinner and *very naively* insist that they stay out later. After all, I knew how hard it was to go home to all the kids with no help, and how lonely she was without her husband there. AGH. At the time, another friend of mine even suggested to me how suspicious it looked - I vehemently defended both WH and x-friend/OW.

This went on for over 6 months, until OWs husband returned from deployment. Even then, WH and OW (x-friend) kept it up. Then, it was WHs turn to leave. Of course OW told me she would help me in any way she could, as WH was scheduled to be gone for a year. I still had no clue. Eventually, OW's husband (WHs x-friend) found out. And then I found out. And life has been miserable since.

The worst parts (besides the obvious):

My kids. Desperately wanting to hang out with OWs kids. I hate that WH doesn't have to listen to them begging to go over to OWs. I had to lie and tell them they moved. Hopefully we never run into them around town.

The loneliness! I was totally counting on OW/x-BFF to keep me company and support me during my year as a single mom! And within a month of WH leaving, she is completely out of my life.

The embarrassment. WH and I both work in the same area. So does WH's x-friend (OW's husband). OWH has outed WH to everyone. Now, remember, WH is not here, but will be stationed back here in July. Everyone knows. It's going to be awful for him. And before anyone jumps in, no, I don't feel sorry for him, but I also know that he is not the only one to blame, and OW is getting off pretty easy in comparison.

And more embarrassment. The military's a small place. Many people have approached me after hearing grapevine stories, with that awful, pitying "are you ok?" I HATE IT. I have said there is a fine line between sympathy and pity, and while I appreciate support from my friends, there is nothing worse than people feeling sorry for you. Especially if they're really just looking to get in on the gossip. (And with the ridiculous sordid details that accompany this story, the gossip is impressive. I'm just not sharing with the nosy folks at work.)

Last thing - and this doesn't directly affect me, but it's notable anyway. When WH gets back, he will have to share an office with OW's husband. His x-friend. And co-worker. OWH approached me a few weeks ago to ask my advice on how to deal with things. I told him that at this point (D-day was 8+ mos ago), if I ran into OW (his wife), I would be able to walk on by. I'm not angry at her anymore. Could I work with her every day though? Sheesh. I don't know. WH Is unsure if he should talk to his x-friend (OWH), before he returns, or what. It's going to be messy.

This got a little long-winded. I guess I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.


Me - BS
Both in our 30s
Married 10 years
3 young children
Currently separated - he doesn't seem to want to reconcile

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014
refuz2bavictim
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Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

I see that you removed a comment on your original thread in JFO, and that makes me worry for you. Double betrayal is hard, and the earliest days dealing with it can feel impossible.

I understand what you mean by trying to "steal".

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

All of this is done while we are completely unsuspecting. Add in a Spouse who either shares a similar goal or who is just willing, and we are in for a world of hurt when we do find the truth.

It *feels* like something was being stolen from you, because something WAS being stolen. But it wasn't your spouse, it was the truth, and your ability to discern between deception and reality. The truth was being replaced by illusion, and duplicity, in order to keep you from having control over your own life.

The first way to "deal" with this, is to take care of you. The basics of eating and drinking and attempting to sleep. I know that the thoughts of neighbor/friend and what feels like a personal attack on our lives can take over our thoughts. IC (individual counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity) can help you deal with the devastation and emotional upheaval.

Because of the very personal nature of double betrayal, social entanglements, and proximity can complicate how we can best handle the situation. Some people move, if they can't handle the proximity and are able. Some people expose the AP on a large scale, to free themselves from the burden of the secret and awkward exchanges, of not knowing who knows what. Some choose to keep the secret and attempt to portray a "life goes on as normal" approach. It really depends on what kind of a person you are and what you need to heal. It depends on whether or not you and your H have a desire to Reconcile (R).

Double betrayal feels like a personal attack on our well being.

And for this reason, your personal healing and well being is consideration number one.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:39 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

This is so true! My ex BFF saw my life and wanted it. And it made it worse that she knew everything about me. I was 26 weeks pregnant when it started. I was on bed rest from complications so no sexy times happening. I really don't think that my WH would've gone out seeking OW, but she waited for us to have a fight, then she invited him over to talk about it. She had gone with my to the next town over to buy liquor to get him drunk.

She saw that my WH is a good guy mostly, although I complained about stuff that bugged me as most women do to their BFF. So she used that against me. I told her that he was great in bed, and I think she wanted to try it for herself.

There was this one conversation that drives me nuts. We were going to the grocery store together, and she was asking me about my WH's old girl friends. I told her that he had one who smelled like fish after sex, and he would have to open the windows, I was laughing. She went and bought a bunch of douche stuff after that because she was worried she smelled. Skank. It never occurred to me that she was getting info because he was her new boyfriend. I feel SO STUPID! How could I not have guessed?

I feel like everyone was playing a game. Who can win the husband? Only, I didn't know we had started playing, so it wasn't fair. She got to put on her best face, and be great while I was feeling fat and unattractive. I feel like everyone was making fun of me behind my back.

And I can see why she did it. Her marriage was over. She has no morals ( she had tried to steal this other girls long term boyfriend at a wedding). And my life is pretty cushy. I stay home. I've never had to work, but my WH put me through college TWICE ( teaching degree and nursing degree) and I love children so my WH lets me have all the children I want and he's a great dad. He works hard and we have a nice income, and I have maids who come in so I really just get to play with my kids, and we homeschool so I have time to go on great field trips like a month at the beach. It's a great life, who wouldn't want it?

But HE was supposed to protect ME. That is the part I can't get over. That he was so weak, he would fall for the flattery.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014
bionicgal
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Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am weighing in about telling people. . .
We are in the same circle of friends, and people not knowing has caused some angst on our part, and some potentially awkward social situations. We have also not gone to some things that we'd like to, as the other couple has, I am sure.

However, there are kids involved, and why cause scandal for them so we can avoid embarrassing social situations? I am not worried about protecting my husband, but our MC indicated that there is a difference in a secret, and privacy. As we get farther from dday, I am somewhat relieved that the worst moment in our marriage is not general knowledge in our small community. A few people know, but we tried to be judicious in who we told.

As begin to move away from feeling defined by the A, I am relieved that I don't have to be defined that way by anyone else.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
♀ New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that, bionicgal.
Still haven't told anyone in town yet, but it is becoming apparent that at some point that will need to happen with a select few who are near and dear to us.
Me, the OW, and WH all serve(d?) on a nonprofit board together-- just had our first meeting since dday and I actually texted OW this afternoon to make sure she didn't plan to attend. Fortunately, the answer was "no" but she didn't clarify whether she was resigning from the board or not. I hate the thought of being in contact with her, but I might just have to suck it up if we are to coexist here.
Why can't they all just move cross country?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is very wise not to tell everyone. I did not take that route. I reached out to anyone who had ears. I was thinking that if the stats were true, surely someone would be able to tell me that they had been through it too and help me. But that didn't happen. Instead, people said things that ended up hurting me more like, " I would leave my H, you shouldn't stay with him". And made me feel like a lesser person for staying.

So, good for you to realize that keeping it under cover is the best thing.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Freebygrace, I am sorry that was your experience. I did not get any advice of that nature. I was given no advice at all. But then my situation was different in that the exposure came in one big reveal.

I want to share my experience, not because I think you should do the same or believe the same, as I have done, but because keeping the secret is not the best option for everyone, namely me. There is no right way, in my opinion. There are pros and cons to both, and when I weighed them, I found myself on the other side of the coin.

My AP and subsequently my FWH were exposed on the grand scale. It was public. An article written by a reporter blew it open, and it was quite scandalous. I have a work ethic that was not shared by my publicly employed coworker, so when the issue was brought to light, I chose to speak out. It meant that they would both be exposed equally.

I don't have to worry about who knows what. I don't worry about which friend or faux friend is the information leak, or the one who secretly relishes in the pain of others. I have been the receiver of secrets others thought they had buried, and I knew that our family secret would be no different. I had been hurt by family secrets and made the decision that this was not going to be a secret and unknown source of future hurt for my children. Our family experience will not be a taboo topic.

They all know. And it was done with my permission. Gossip is unfortunately a part of life, and instead of them finding out through the game of telephone with all the twisted half truths, they were all given one story, from which they chose to form their opinions.

My real friends were easily sorted from those who were opportunistic. It was painful. I don't regret the knowledge I gained from that experience. It hurt, but I don't have to wait to learn who, is a friend of me, my children and my M. Including my FWH. He also had to endure the exposure. Had he not, I do not believe that I would have been able to offer R.

As awful as it was, it was a gift. I am free from the burdens of secrecy, which would have weighed heavily on me. I prefer knowing my enemies from my friends.

I really don't think I could sleep at night, if I had kept what I knew to myself.

I have been described as a "very private person" by many, before the A and since. Which is interesting when you consider the degree to which we were exposed. Yet I still feel private. What everyone else knows now, is equal to what they knew then....only what I allowed. They know my husband cheated, they know I took him back, they know the identity of one AP. That's it. The rest is speculation. My real friends, expected the best of me. My fake friends were waiting for a reason to hate me. Both found their reasons, and I in turn found their true motivation.

Through this I learned a great lesson. Your (general you) secrets aren't safe with me, if they conflict with my moral compass. I will not/can not keep them. I'd rather be hated then carry them around. For those who have secrets I am a horrible friend, but I am honest about it. For those who are honest, I am loyal.

I honestly don't regret this. "The truth shall set you free" resonates with me deeply.

This does not mean I don't respect the decision made by others to maintain a sense of privacy, or disclosure to a small group. I respect that each of us must decide in relation to our world view. I do respect that. I just know that I acted in accordance to my belief system and because of that....I sleep well at night.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


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