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User Topic: Double Betrayal
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong in this club now. I am seeing no remorse from my husband. He is tired of talking about it. This is his 2nd EA as well. He lies in marital therapy. I'm going to have to file divorce papers and I so never wanted this. But if all he can do is complain about how much he hates to talk to me then what is left to salvage?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..@ tigereyes..

Sorry you are back here with the added betrayal of your bff.

..your WH needs to read the book 'Not Just Friends' to open his eyes about what he is really doing to his marriage.

..sometimes the shock of filing D-papers will snap them out of the fog so, yes, get the lawyer involved with papers and it will send a clear message to your WH that you mean business!!!

..have you had any contact recently with the 'friend'???

..is she aware of the damage she is causing with her involvement?

..maybe she needs a copy of the book as well!!!

take care and keep posting. It will help you deal with all of the emotions that you're facing.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, he has read Not Just Friends. He read that after the first affair. We set a boundary in marital counseling. Within 6 months he had violated that boundary and has never respected it.

He saw an IC who wasn't familiar with that book and thinks that we should not talk about the affair, that we need to burn the emails and put it in the past.

My bff had been my bff for 26 years. I have no contact with her now although it takes every ounce of restraint not to drive to her house and snatch her bald. I exposed her to her husband and also exposed a PA she had with a man from her church 2 years ago that her husband didn't know about. She gave me the ammo to ruin her life and then gave me a reason to use it. Not very bright.

I exposed her to her church, her inlaws, everyone. I exposed my husband to his friends, everyone I could.

Currently he thinks we are trying to R. Starting with a new MC this week. I'm just going through the motions and setting the hook. My children will learn from me, it is NOT acceptable to treat someone like this. EVER.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..sounds like your WH didn't appreciate the 2nd chance you gave him.. and he wants to rug sweep his bad behaviour.

..wants to destroy the evidence and 'put it in the past'..

..of course they hate to talk about it!!!

Sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row..

Protect yourself legally..

While I get that you want to lay a beating on the bff (I wanted to kill the bfOM, but he died from a brain tumour before I got the chance)..

..don't do anything that can put you in jail.. they're so not worth it!!

hope you and the kids are doing OK..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:11 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW portrayed me with her ex-coworker and her LTAP was a member of our church and a Relative of mine. It totally blows my mind.

I confronted him the first time when she confessed and 2 years later she had a physical relationship with him. I saw him at our Family Reunion and they both didn't talk to each other, but the now I look like a fool and those two were screwing each other...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the biggest deal for me isn't so much the affair but how terribly he has treated me since I found out. Shouldn't he at least FAKE remorse? He just tells me he hates to talk to me but he wants to work on our marriage. I met with a new marriage counselor today, his appointment is tomorrow and then we both go Monday morning. He refuses to go to IC. Apparently he has it all figured out so there is nothing he needs to work on.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow tigereyes, your H sounds like a real douche.

I am so glad you outed them to everyone. I also outed to everyone, and even though my H and I reconciled, I wouldn't take any of it back for a second.

And destroying OW/xBFF to all of our mutual friends, her family members, and my family members who basically raised her was quite freeing also.

I think getting your ducks in a row is a good idea. Go through whatever motions you need to, to be prepared. For me, a second trip down this road would equal the same exact thing.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night was rough. It appears he isn't putting 100% into our marriage because he believes I have stolen all of his money from him. My father died 9 years ago and when he did he left cd's in all 4 of my kid's names. He told me he was doing it, made me the guardian and told me to use the money for my kids, whether it was to buy a home for us all to live in or to give each child individually when they became adults, just basically to do what I saw fit. My husband has always known about these cd's. But he believes they are half his. He said that I have the kids in my back pocket and that they will give me the money if I ask and I have stolen all of his money from him. I cannot imagine why he begrudges my children their inheritance. It is baffling to me.

Then he went on to say that even if I put all the cd's in his name and handed them to him he still isn't sure that would be enough because now he can't stand the way I treat him. Have I yelled at him after finding out he was having an affair with my best friend? Well, what do you think? Of course I have. He and my friend called me every name in the book, spoke of me as though I was less than dirt. He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see. Is it just me or is that just f'ed up?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


.."OMG"...

He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see.

..your WH is seriously f'ed up in the head and doesn't have a clue about his betrayal, especially with it being with your friend.

..of course, I'm using the term 'friend' very loosely. Back stabbing dirt-bag whore-bitch might be a more appropriate term.

..as for the money, designated to your kids, with YOUR control over its dispersal, tell him to ------- --- ---- ------- and---- -------!!!

..and by the way, how do you not strangle him in his sleep???

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I kill him in his sleep I won't get child support or alimony. That is the only thing keeping him alive. I kid, sort of.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also outed my WH and his affair partner and her husband to everyone. I didn't and don't regret it for a second. I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to keep their secrets, or lie to others about the reason why the four of us weren't friends any more.

I know a lot of people say you should just keep it in the marriage, but I think the situation is a little different with a double betrayal, especially if the affair partner is a major, enmeshed part of your social group. It just adds more stress and anguish to the BS's burden to have to "pretend" to other people or watch the AP continue to have a normal life and normal relationships with (naive) other friends while the BSs suffers with secrets or has to be the one to avoid social gatherings or whatever. I decided early on that I wasn't going to do that, period. If they wanted to invite her and not me, fine, but nobody was going to do it out of ignorance about the situation. So far I've gotten a lot of support and sympathy from mutual friends.

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree totally thegarden. I loved my friend, she was a sister to me. I even told my husband at one point that I would be devastated if she turned on me and he sent her that email and they laughed about it. I feel like my ability to detect good characters is just broken. And I can NEVER let my husband meet any new friend I make. Hell, I can't take him to a family reunion, he might be looking for his next AP.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thegarden, it took me a long time to not think about OW/xBFF constantly. I can still remember about 3 or 4 months out being in the shower just thinking about OW. I thought to myself "for the rest of my life I will think about this girl every moment I am awake" and I truly believed this, and it was devastating.

Fortunately, that has eased immensely. I have days she doesn't even enter my head, and on the days she does, I easily dismiss her. My bad days have gone from daily to about one every 6 months (as far as the A is concerned and letting her truly have space in my head).

These people did just as bad to us as our fWS. IN some ways, worse in my opinion. It has been 3 years and 7 months since dday for me, and I have still not found full forgiveness for her in my heart. I do hope to though, so I can be freed of the bitterness and resentment. And THAT desire in itself if a miracle. A little over a year ago I was still in major hatred calling her a cum-dripping slag to anyone who would listen.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
♀ Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I locked him out of the house tonight. He doesn't have a key and I can't take it anymore. He got mad at me for thinking and then writing my thoughts in my journal. So I can only say positive things and I guess I can only think and write positive things too.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
LadyYoga
♀ Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone on here that still lives in the same town as other family and where kids remained friends? I have been on this site for over 3 years (changed my name as I heard I was being followed) and I have yet to find anyone in my situation. They live one street over, are kids are BFF and I communicate with owh and have to text her occasionally. It's a f'd up situation but we (3/4) of us agree it is best for the kids. PM me if you can share any insight to a similar situation. Thanks


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
iamsoblind42
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in too with triple betrayal.

Walked in on my WH having oral sex Friday night with my BF while her husband watched. In my house, where kids could have walked in. They were all really smashed. I was tipsy myself but not as drunk as they were. I truly believe her H has a serious sex addiction problem. They have been married over 20 years and claim they still have sex every day. This does not excuse my H and BF but I do feel it was her H that pushed over the apple cart. After, her H was saying how sorry he was and that I should not blame them. Screw that!!!!

We had all been best friends for years. Our sons (now 16) have been best friends since they were really little.

I had my H move out today and it is really hard. Wish I had my BF to talk to about it. She was truly like a sister to me.

Now, I feel like I can talk to no one as everyone knows her and I honestly am not ready to admit to anyone else what has happened.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 207 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.

^^^AWESOME^^^ I've struggled so much with this, and this truly is a situation where you have to have BTDT to understand where the BS of a double betrayal is coming from. I can't fathom, at this point, ever having a really close friend again and truly trusting anybody.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyYoga:

If you are the same person I think you are, I remember talking about this with you in the past. I don't know how reconciliation can ever fully happen when there is never NC in true place. I get that it isn't pleasant for the kids and such, but infidelity impacts the whole family.

OW/xBFF's daughter and my oldest two daughters were VERY close. They thought they were cousins.. We live in similar proximity, (although not the same schools). NC was for the whole family and that meant all the kids as well. I have been contacted once by her daughter via the internet and I told her that we would be continuing to stay NC with them (not in those words of course, she is just a tween).

Anyway, 3/4 think you should all maintain this arrangement? Are you the one hold out? I wouldn't blame you if you are. For how many years will this be the focus of your delayed healing? Personally (and this is just my opinion), I don't think I could have R'd having to see or text OW and share my children with her.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
LadyYoga
♀ Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, it's me. OW is actually the odd man out. She said play dates should be over after our last run in in october where she walked into my yoga class and I walked out. I emailed her ranting and she said she was shaking but there was no way she was going to leave and we both should have just "breathed through it"

We are really in true R. Our marriage is great now. However, I do not think I will truly be able to heal with her in the picture. So, I practice acceptance. I would just like to find someone else who is also doing that. In all my years on here, I haven't found one. Majority say they move. We tried the complete NC for two years but it was even harder for me. With the boys being in the same class, them living around the corner and with modern technology (Skype, minecraft, xbox, etc.) it was impossible. It would be like stalking my kid having a secret relationship with their friend. Next year, they will be indifferent schools so that may help. But, I doubt it.

It's going to reman status quo, I just need to figure out some tools to work with the situation.
sigh.....


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
sobbinginfla
♀ New Member
Member # 36757
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this feeling, having been married for 36 years. It is never too late. It's horrid to know that you lived with someone for so long and never actually knew them. But it does not mean that life is over. You are at an awesome time in life and have so much more knowledge and experience now. Enjoy yourself! This is the best revenge of them all

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 144
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