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User Topic: SO Tattoos
Hatingthis247
♂ New Member
Member # 41112
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering how everyone here felt about their SOís getting or having tattoos. Iíve read a lot on other sites about this, the general consensus Iíve found is that you have no right to stop them from doing something they want to do to their bodies. This makes perfect sense to me, but is it ok to have a line? If you have expressed concern and disapproval of a tattoo and the SO gets it anyway, would that be a good reason to reconsider your desire to be in the relationship? Should you love the SO for who they and not care about what they choose to do to their body?

My SO has many tattoos. Some of them I find quite beautiful and really enjoy. Others I think look terrible and take away from her natural beauty. On a trip out of town to see family and friends she got two new tattoos (paid for by an ex-boyfriend of hers) and didnít tell me about them at all. She didnít call to say she was getting them, she didnít even tell me or show me once she got back. I discovered them and felt very hurt that she didnít at least discuss it with me, and that she let her ex pay for them. She also wants more. She has been considering a half sleeve. Some of the tattoos she has are large, but most of them are on her body where they can easily be hidden. She has smaller ones on her feet, wrist, and neck behind the ear.

I donít have anything against tattoos and my SO already has a lot that Iím ok with, but I donít think I want to be with someone so covered in them that she canít wear a pretty dress and not be the ďtattooed girl in the dress.Ē Does this make sense? Am I just being shallow? Do I have any right to ask her not to do something that will make her happy, just to make myself happy?


Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Roanoke, VA
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tats as does my husband, so I'm not against them at all.
I do think that there are instances where people go way overboard for my personal tastes, but I'm not dating/married to them.

However, THIS would be an issue for me:

she got two new tattoos (paid for by an ex-boyfriend of hers) and didnít tell me about them at all.

That's the behavior I'd concentrate on, not the tats themselves.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Gabby. It's not the tattoos per se, it's the secrecy and the fact that I don't think you should get them if you can't afford to pay for them yourself (and certainly not take money from an X to do so).

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7691 | Registered: Aug 2005
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do find it disturbing that she was so secretive AND let her ex pay for them. But that's a whole other post I think.

Personally I would tell my BF if I was getting another tattoo. But I would do so because I value his opinion. If he was the kind of guy who wanted me to get his 'permission' then he would not be in my life.

You already got involved with her knowing she has many tattoos and wants more. It sounds like that is just part of who she is, so as far as the tattoos go I think that's probably not negotiable. I guess I have to wonder why you got involved with her if you want to change her?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a trip out of town to see family and friends she got two new tattoos (paid for by an ex-boyfriend of hers) and didnít tell me about them at all. She didnít call to say she was getting them, she didnít even tell me or show me once she got back.

red flags all over IMO...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5395 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with the others on the secretiveness and the red flags.

As for the tats themselves, it is ok for you to not find certain looks attractive.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6448 | Registered: Jan 2011
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto Rebreather


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Hatingthis247
♂ New Member
Member # 41112
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all correct about the out of town situation being a red flag. Honestly my SO is my WS, and Iím still unsure if R is ever going to happen. Going through this situation has allowed me time to think about everything I did or did not like about her. The tattoos she already has do not bother me. The fact that she wants more tattoos does not bother me. The idea of a huge tattoo in a place that cannot be easily covered does bother me. She always said she would never get anything like that in the early stages of our relationship so I wasnít trying or wanting to change her. She changed though, and thatís what I wanted this tread to be about. Is a tattoo ever a good reason to consider ending a relationship?

I wouldnít leave someone I cared about if they put on weight or changed their hair color, but a tattoo this big and on this part of the body changes her appearance in a major, and permanent way. Damncutekitty, you mentioned that I had already got involved with her knowing she has tats and wants more. Well what if that was not the case? What if you were dating or married to someone with no tats and they never talked about getting any, then seemingly out of nowhere they wanted a face tattoo?


Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Roanoke, VA
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are allowed to like or dislike a change In appearance. Some might think that is shallow, others will not.

It is a personal choice. For me, I would be very unhappy if my husband suddenly got a tattoo or shaved his head or whatever.. He would be very unhappy if I suddenly got a tattoo or shaved my head or whatever. Would we not love each other anymore? No, but if we were dating and that happened, it would make me think twice or twenty times about the person. Compromise happens in every relationship and someone who does not think about my likes/dislikes when changing their appearance would make me sad.

I really like cats. My h does not. We do not have a cat. I could get one, but I respect that they make him uncomfortable.

The biggest issue (IMHO) is the ex paying for it. I have old boyfriends, I can't see any of them lining up to pay for something for me, without expecting something in return. My company or something more.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
circe
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Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is a tattoo ever a good reason to consider ending a relationship?

I get the sense that it isn't the tattoo itself that is the issue but that your SO is changing before your eyes in ways you don't like, going back on things you believed to be her convictions, and being secretive and sneaky as she does it. The tattoo to me sounds more like a trigger... like something that symbolizes the changes you don't like in a person you love.

The ex paying for the tattoos is so icky. And also symbolic, IMO.


Posts: 3192 | Registered: Mar 2005
BeyondBreaking
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Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any problems with tattoos- so long as they are apporopriate. Now, if my H were to get a nazi symbol, or a naked woman or his ex's name tattooed on himself, I would be really upset. Other than that, he can pretty much do whatever- it is his body and I have no right to tell him what to do with it. He has seven tattoos now...wants to get more. I don't have any and am not planning to get any either.

I hear you about the sleeve thing- there are certainly times in which I insist that H wear a long sleeved shirt because I doubt the PTA meeting or grandma would be impressed by the giant tattoos on his arms. But she could always wear a long sleeved dress. It's her body, her choice.

I would have an issue with H's ex paying for him to get them on a trip, and him not telling me. Nope, nope, nope.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Hatingthis247
♂ New Member
Member # 41112
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think as far as my personal situation goes, circe has pretty much nailed it. There have been so many changes in the way I see and feel about my SO lately. Learning of her affairs, lies, sneaky behavior, and desire to alter her appearance further. Really the tattoo is the absolute least of my worries at this point. I do all my BS venting over in the just found out forum and just felt like this one belonged here because it seemed somewhat unrelated to the infidelity, but actually I guess itís all rolled up together in way one or another. Thanks to everyone for the replies and advice!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Roanoke, VA
Bobbi_sue
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Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think tattoos are ugly. I would be extremely upset if my H got one, knowing how I feel about them. I was not one of those in the "consensus" that people can do whatever they want with their own bodies and really should not give a hoot what the "SO" or spouse thinks about it. It's their own body...all that matters.

To me, when you love someone, their opinion should ALWAYS matter even if that opinion is not enough in the end, to sway you to go their way on an issue. My H would also be extremely upset if I got a tattoo but after being married for 18 years and promising each other we never would, there would obviously be more issues than just the tattoo itself if either of us went out and got one, behind the other's back.

The last time we discussed this on SI, it went off the topic a bit to the idea of cosmetic surgery. Should you get that if your SO doesn't want you to? I would actually like to have some "work" done but he doesn't want me to. So far, I have definitely let his opinion stop me (though he never out and out said that he would not allow me to do whatever I want). He clearly expressed he does not want me to, though and I most certainly care about his opinion).

I think many here are really saying it is "okay to draw the line" when they have too many, are too conspicuous because she will suddenly

be be the ďtattooed girl in the dress.Ē

And I agree even though the line I would draw would be much sooner (no tattoos at all), unless that person already had them when we first got together as a committed couple.

The fact her X paid for them seems to be almost an afterthought in your post, but most of us here are probably thinking that sounds mighty strange. Is there something about the circumstances that would make that part even a little more understandable to us here?

I do not think it is shallow to know what you like in a woman, even if it involves the way she looks, and she purposely changes her appearance (permanently) with little or no regard to your thoughts, opinions, or feelings. I think you would be wise to let her go. There are men out there who love to be with the "tattooed woman in the dress" so I would set her free to go find that man. Just my two cents.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 3:33 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I will let an ex buy me is lunch. Or maybe coffee.

Let me get a bead on this: you are in a relationship with your WS, but it is not reconciliation. She feels entirely comfortable doing something she knows you dislike AND having an ex flame foot the bill.

Isn't this the same kind of boundary-less behavior that made her a WS?

My advice? She doesn't get it. She is in this "relationship" with you because it suits her, not because she wants to offer you anything. She still doesn't have boundaries, which are essential to a secure and safe relationship. Ending it will hurt, but not as much as hurting over more significant breaches of boundaries.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 6:22 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have expressed concern and disapproval of a tattoo and the SO gets it anyway, would that be a good reason to reconsider your desire to be in the relationship?
You can have any reason you want to reconsider being in a relationship. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks it is "good". The important thing is, you do get to reconsider if you want to be in the relationship. For whatever reasons.

Wouldn't it have been better if our WS's reconsidered our relationship and decided because their spouse made a lasagna with four cheeses they would end the marriage first instead of cheating on us?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love tattoos. I don't have any, but I want one.


On a trip out of town to see family and friends she got two new tattoos (paid for by an ex-boyfriend of hers) and didnít tell me about them at all. She didnít call to say she was getting them, she didnít even tell me or show me once she got back.

I would be concerned with ^^^this. Why did she not tell you about it? Why did she let him pay for it? I don't know what the tattoos are, but are they something significant to them? I would worry about that.


As far as the tattoos themselves, I think I'm pretty conservative about my views on tattoos and the placement. I personally feel that they should be in a place that can be easily hidden if you are going someplace more professional or formal.

She has been considering a half sleeve.

^^^This goes with what I was saying in my above paragraph. I don't know what she does for a living but would a sleeve be out of dress code for her work? If she wore a suit coat with a short sleeve blouse underneath and took the coat off what would her employer say. Some companies have a strict policy on appearance and can say that tattoos must be out of sight of customers.

Because they are permanent I feel that the image should be thought about long and hard before getting it put on. I would be super pissed if my husband got a tattoo of a naked woman on his arm for the world to see. On the other hand if he get a tattoo of his badge (he was a reserve deputy in FL at one time) then I would have no problem with it. My BIL is Irish, he has a beautiful Celtic Cross on his forearm that his friend's daughter drew for him.

but I donít think I want to be with someone so covered in them that she canít wear a pretty dress and not be the ďtattooed girl in the dress.Ē Does this make sense? Am I just being shallow?

This make complete sense to me. I don't think you're being shallow at all. Everyone has their opinions and tastes when it comes to tattoos. You could always voice your concerns and try to have a discussion about how you feel and about the quantity/placement of the tattoos, but it will ultimately come down to her decision because it is her body. You'll just have to decide where to go from there.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:50 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Kierst13
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Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The exbf paying for them would cross a boundary for me, but not asking or letting you know would not ping my radar. I am a big proponent of my body, my decision. I do not ask anybody for permission, and often not opinions on what I add or change to my body, period, end of story.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
tushnurse
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people really like Tattoos, I am not one of them, so my take on this may be a bit skewed.

For her to go and get tatt's without telling you or asking your opinion is extremely selfish. If I was going to make a major change in my appearance, even from going from my natural hair color to blond, I would ask my H what his thoughts were, and if he would care. Now if I had my heart set on it, I would at least warn him that when he comes home from work his wife will look like a different person.

The other issue with Tattoos, is these things are permanent. They don't wash off, they don't grow out, they are VERY expensive to get removed, and leave scaring behind when you do decide you want them gone. They also don't age well. As a Nurse I have seen WWII Tat's lemme tell ya, some of them are just black blobs. Or here's the other fun thing I have seen. An Old vet had to have a leg amputated above the knee, they grafted skin for the closure, from the part they amputated, so he had the body of pin up girl on his stump, and no head to go with it. When you start doing complete sleeves, this is a consideration as you get old.

I just find it extremely self centered to go and do it without discussion, or her appreciation for your feelings.

Just my 2 cents worth.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was a little girl I had a great Aunt. This was back in the 60's. She always wore long sleeves, high necks, slacks or long skirts.

I found out that in the 20's and 30's she was a "side show freak". She was the "Tattooed Lady". Yeah, she was embarrassed later in life and I guess the tattoo's didn't age well.

I think this may be why I don't care at all for tattoo's. Plus, it is so conformist now. Hey, I am 18, time to start tatting up my body. I am proud of the young people that are able to resist falling into the "conformity" trap.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Bobbi_sue
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Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus, it is so conformist now. Hey, I am 18, time to start tatting up my body. I am proud of the young people that are able to resist falling into the "conformity" trap.

Those who get them often try to tell me it is to "express their individuality." I most definitley see it as conforming to a trend to be like everyone else; it does not matter to me that their choices of "body art" are different. I like some forms of art as much as anyone, but just like a painting on the wall, I love knowing if I get tired of it, I can easily replace it with another or simply take it down.

It's not just teens any more, it is people even my age in their 50's. We ride motorcylcle and of course most of our friends have them. I certainly don't hold this against them, but no matter how much those friends "pressure" us to get them too, it is never going to happen.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 10:49 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


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