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User Topic: Christmas blues
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Sad  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. I love the weather, the food, the traditions, the colors of all the decorations and lights…. so many things I look forward to every year. I am one of those crazy people that sings Christmas songs all year long and starts playing the songs hardcore right after Halloween. But this year I haven’t turned on the Christmas music at all and when I look at a Christmas tree at a store, my first thought is that last year, when I thought everything was so perfect, and I was having one of the best Christmases ever, my best friend, my husband, was lying to me. I am trying to do what my IC says and think positively about it, not dwell on last year and concentrate on making new memories this year. So every time I see a tree, or hear a song, or drink some Nog, I try to push the knee-jerk sadness that floods me away and think instead about how we are going to have fun this year, how much my son is going to love Christmas and that we are going to have a new baby to celebrate with. But boy is this hard to do, and I notice that I am just not as excited about Christmas or Thanksgiving as I usually would be. I know this is normal and that next year will be better, but I just want to cry thinking of Christmas and having to force myself to enjoy things, instead of it coming naturally. Of course with the hormones I want to cry all the time anyway, but this is different, Christmas use to give me joy, now it is just another trigger.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((inshock)))

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Feb 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((inshockandhurt)))

Those first couple holidays were really rough, but the spirit really does return in time.

My DDay was 6 days before my daughter's first Christmas. It was doubly excruciating to be weathering the betrayal and to let that special time slip through my fingers as I just couldn't cope with it.

Like you said, it DOES get better with time.

Maybe this year you can find an alternate way to celebrate so the triggers aren't so severe. We can't just shut off the dwelling, but we can try to distract ourselves. Think of something totally out of the box - whether it's traveling or cooking exotic food instead of traditional fare. Maybe turn this holiday towards service - look for things you can do in your community for those who don't have anything.

It doesn't have to be big - but I remember that getting outside of tradition for a while really did help distract me.

Sending you big hugs. You'll get through this, and you'll be ok.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:52 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16451 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, even the Chrstmas posts seem early this year

Just kidding, I have not been here long enough to even know that. But I get what you are saying.

Thanksgiving our family is supposed to spent the long weekend with WW's family. They are extreme in their religious and political views and only watch a "animal" named news channel. Not looking forward to that at all.

For Christmas I usually am in charge of the outdoor lights and well my name could be Clark Griswolds. I have joked that the meaning of christmas is to have the best outdoor light display! Just cannot seem to get motivated in spending several days prepping. Especially since I usually do it during thanksgiving weekend and we will be out of town. Plus there are 7 less days between turkey day and xmas to enjoy them. I might string a few but the whole village will stay in the attic this year.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I relate completely. His A season is all fall/winter holidays. I have never been the same. In fact, its been my natural reaction to look forward, enjoy the leaves turning, decorate our house for our grown kids, then take it all down as soon as they leave. Yep, I've been taking it down before the holiday. It started innocently, we had repairmen coming, but it felt right. I did what I needed to do for my kids, and then I didnt make myself suffer thru to the end. The look on H face was priceless. But he never asked. I also trashed the home sweet home sign. The best christmas I have ever had since DD was being on vacation. I dont enjoy vacations as much, he traveled with OW, but traveling on Christmas helped alot. No traditions. No family fuzzy. Just adventure. And it was nice seeing how others have christmas and decorations everywhere. Less pressure. Less work. Once our children have their own families and dont visit each holiday, I will not have any. Its not fun.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hugs)) Sorry you are having trouble with this trigger. I agree that you can make new memories and sharing things with your son will give you some joy. I am a lot further out than you, I found out Nov 9, 2009. We tried to make it work, but the week before Christmas he told me he was just using me and wanted to be gone. My DD(25)'s boyfriend of four years broke up with her that week also. I had already purchased the tree, and it was in it's stand outside waiting to be brought in and decorated, but neither of us cared one way or the other. There was so much grief and pain, I hurt for her and for myself. Christmas eve, I told her that we were gonna decorate that puppy anyway. And made her help me. We called it the dammit tree cause we didn't want to do it, dammit. We were sticking on the ugliest ornaments and jumbled lights and clumps of tinsel (soooo out of the norm, she calls me Martha Stewart normally and i rehang the ornaments at night to make them perfect when no one is watching). Anyway, by the time it was done we were actually laughing and I am able to fondly remember that tree as a bonding moment. So while you may not be able to see it now, good things will come again, and you will make new wonderful family memories.


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1161 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've always been really into the holidays as well....and last year was a wreck as DDay was one week before Thanksgiving.

One thing that honestly did help some was to start a new tradition. We always had an artificial tree and last year got a real one. And now we're going to do that from now on.

New beginnings.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, this will be my first Christmas LS from cheating @$$whole.
He will be with his Shrek troll AP. I will be alone.
And...with that said, I was really really not looking forward to the holidays.
Until I had to go grocery shopping. Then it hit me, he was NOT going to take this away from me too.
IDK, something about the spices, cranberries in the cold fruit section, smell of pumpkin pie in the bakery.
I am retired military. Something I learned, when everything goes to shit, and you are all alone (or so I thought on my first deployment with no family around - Desert Storm). Routine sometimes brings back the normalicy. We had a real Christmas dinner in the middle of the desert sitting on the back of a duece and a half (that's 2.5 ton vehicle for non military folks) in full battle rattle awaiting more SCUD incoming.
See, the oldtimers, those who had weathered the Korean War, Vietnam, etc., they knew how keeping our traditions, even in the direst and dangerous times, helped to bring our spirits up and some normalacy back into our crazy lives.
I had forgotten that, all the way until I smelled the pumpkin pie.
I absolutely LOVE Christmas. He will not take that away from me.
He and my DSSs always had fantastic food, music, trains around the Christmas trees (yes plural).
This year, I will hire some of the local kids to help put up the outside decorations.
I will by a small 12 pound turkey instead of a 21+ pounder this year.
I'll make smaller portions, but I will be happy.
Think about what it is you love about Christmas. It's the love and ambiance. Perfect strangers are kinder than usual.
Hell, I'll add your name to my Christmas list and send you a card full of glitter!
Merry Merry Christmas!!!!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I have thought about making new traditions, and doing things different this year,and have already talked to my WH about some of the things we might change up, I am trying very hard not to be sad because I actually really like our old traditions, but I guess change can be good, so I will try to look at it that way. We have a few things to try this year that I am excited about too, so that will hopefully help. Our son is old enough now for the Elf on the Shelf thing and we will hopefully be picking one up soon.

I also really am trying to do what you said StillLivin and not let what they did take away my favorite holiday. I will keep working at it. Thank you to everyone for your kind replies.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how you feel.... for me this upcoming holiday will be the four year mark. While I can now experience some joy in the holiday season, unlike the first year I still get that ache and pain washes over me when I think about it.
I had found out right before xmas 2009..... Christmas used to be my absolute favorite. I loved getting the tree and hanging up all the ornaments that represented our history as a family. Now I just do it and feel sad mostly. I will decorate this year out of obligation for my kids. And I will make the holiday season great for them all while hiding that I still feel sad and ache over the antiversary time of year and feeling as though I still wish I could change things.
My heart goes out to you..... I hope things get better for you and you can feel some hope and spirit of the season.

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Topic Posts: 10

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