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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

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User Topic: Scorched Earth
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Flame  Posted: 8:35 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few weeks ago, the OM called me.. heíd heard through mutual Ďfriendsí that I was calling around and asking questions. While his call was not strictly a threat, it came off sounding as such. You can read the original post at: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507783&HL=40199

I contacted my attorney about the call and was told there was nothing I could do unless he called back and I recorded it. Not the answer I was looking for but that was the answer.

Needless to say, his call really pinged my radar. The more I thought about it the more pissed off I got. It is not in my nature to leave something like this alone and Ďlet it rideí which is what my attorney advised. So I hired a PI firm in Atlanta to do a comprehensive background check on PhD POS.

Yup, it cost a few thousand and took almost a month but was well worth it.

The guy is a serial dulterer. The PI firm referred to him as a predator in the report. He appears to target middle aged married women that are working on a PhD by befriending them and becoming their mentor through the doctorial process.

The PI found three affairs since 2004 (that is as far back as they went). He is currently involved with a 49 year old married woman.

Iíve got pictures of them meeting for drinks, having romantic dinners, and making out in a parking lot. I have names and addresses of the other APís as well as the current one.

Iíve decided on a scorched earth policy. I am couriering notarized copies of the PIís report to his dean, each member of the board of regents, and the college paper. I would really like him to lose his job but I doubt that will happen. I am also sending, again by courier, copies to his wife and his current target as well as her poor clueless husband. Everything will be delivered Friday. Yup, Iím really stirring the shitpot on this one.

The only thing I am still trying to decide is if I should send copies to the previous APís I know about.

I figure Iíll get a lot of flack in IC and MC about this, and probably better put on my armor before I read the posting/responses here on SI. But damnit, he started it. Now Iím going to finish it.


MeĖBS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a fantasy come true. My only concern is that he'd come after you, will it be obvious that you were the one to do all this?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible he could connect it to me. But I think the 800+ miles between us and the fact he is a little afraid of me will keep him away.

I think he may be busy playing CYA for a few weeks.


MeĖBS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kudos to you. You took a stand and you didn't let him provoke you into doing anything self-destructive (i.e. illegal).

If you catch flack in IC or MC (especially MC) then I would change IC/MC. OM called to try to intimidate you. Guess that didn't work out so well for him You responded to his veiled threats with the truth, the facts.

p.s. Have a recorder on your phone ready because he may call again. If he does then you definitely want a record of it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2X4s from me, brother. What's money for if not to make the world a better place?

Is he a professor? Is he targeting women in his department? That's a possible sexual harassment case right there. Hope he doesn't have tenure -- it would be easier for him to lose his job. Has to be pretty egregious to get a tenured prof canned.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 846 | Registered: Sep 2012
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW's A was over 30 years ago, but I found out recently via a "deathbed confession" that he had been a voracious sexual predator that targeted married women, and got very "good" at it.

Doesn't let my WW off the hook, she fully admits to her role in it. She was shocked by the revelation, had thought she was having a "real affair" whatever that's supposed to mean.

I wish I'd known at the time, would have blown up his life and possibly saved a vast amount of heartache in the marriages he blew up after he fucked with ours.

And yes, I would contact the other APs and their BS if you can. Scorched earth!


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did something similar. No I do not regret my actions. I wish I went up to the station and left a zipdrive with their emails in the ladies room marked payday. I emailed her supervisor (an acquaintance) thanking him for not holding it against her for going above and beyond trying to help my husband. Including giving him a heads up when his supervisor was trying to fire him. That she was a stand up friend who was willing to break a few rules for a friend. To please try to protect her if it comes out that she read emails between hr & husband's supervisor. I also sent copies of their emails to everyone in their circle of email friends. Then on to the board of directors. I knew they didn't care. But... I was dropping bombs. Her grown daughter? You bet I did. I cc'd the emails to her. I wanted her to know what I was doing. Except for the email to her supervisor. I waited to see what would happen. Within 6 months she was training a new person p/t. 6-9 months later. She no longer works there. Sooo
I hope I helped her. The only folks who know how much is you guys. I can't cop to it IRL. I told her the last time I spoke to her. That I would look for every opportunity to help her whenever I could. Until I tired of it.


Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2X4's at all in fact great job man! The OM brought this on himself so sleep well. Everything you sent is true. He likely will get fired because schools don't really like dealing with EEO and sexual harassment cases.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:07 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No 2x4's here either. Sounds like his actions have consequences. Go figure.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3833 | Registered: Dec 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

High five.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6347 | Registered: Jan 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely a high five!


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Nov 2011
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is currently teaching and acts as an advisor and mentor for Doctoral candidates working on a PhD in Sociology. What a worthless human being. I doubt they will fire him, but I think I can make his life very uncomfortable for a while. I do not think of this as revenge...this is preventave action.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


MeĖBS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 111 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woot, woot!!!!!!!

Consequences, baby, consequences.

You are on fire, dude, and you know what happens when you fuck with fire? You get BURNED!!!!!!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The PI firm referred to him as a predator in the report. He appears to target middle aged married women that are working on a PhD by befriending them and becoming their mentor through the doctorial process.

Wow. Everyone has to own their own actions in an affair - including any women who have engaged in an affair with him. No one forced them into it. But this is absolutely an abuse of his position as mentor if he is regularly on the prowl and sniffing around his students for weak boundaries. Urgh. Makes my flesh crawl to think of it.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1854 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the right thing. Predatory people get away with their crap because they use intimidation to bully people into silence. They have honed their craft very finely over the years and will not stop until their veil is lifted. Until you have been the victim of a predator it is difficult to see how a grown adult can fall into their trap. The most difficult to believe is the female predator who traps a grown man into an A. These predatory lovers use the same steps to get close, find their vulnerability and use it to get them into a sexual relationship.

My H's IC, he needed one to sort out what happened, told him the AP used the death of his mother and his job frustration to get going. How risky should be talking to an aquaintance about your mother's death and your job dissatisfaction be? Very risky if it is a sexual predator looking for something to use. She made him think she cared, then she moved into make him think they were soulmates destined to be together. I would bet your spouse got set up in a very similar way. While they are free to jump out at any time, the wounds in my spouse made him ripe for an A. The sexual predator can see a partner like a lion can spot a limp. I hold my H totally responsible for his actions, and boundaries have been set, but you cannot overlook the pattern of abuse by trusted people, a minister in my H's case and a scholar mentor in your spouse's case.

Will you stop this predator? Probably not. But, you will make his life difficult for a while. Good for you. You are my hero.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1429 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

High five!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
told him the AP used the death of his mother and his job frustration to get going. How risky should be talking to an aquaintance about your mother's death and your job dissatisfaction be? Very risky if it is a sexual predator looking for something to use.
OMGosh! Lovedyoumore, this sounds like the AP in our scenario. Except it was his father's death, job, and my cancer diagnosis. My FWH doesn't believe it was predatory, though, he takes full responsibility and feels he pursued as much as it did. Which makes me angry because he can't even see/admit that he was manipulated by some stupid ass c you next tuesday cumdumpster. AP is very stupid, but cunning and devious. End T/J


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standing ovation!!!!


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
markyall
♂ New Member
Member # 37808
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you sir, ROCK
well played


Me:BH 42
Her:WS 36
two kids-still in school
Dday 052512

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, this is GREAT!!!


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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