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User Topic: WH at a bar talking to a woman and my ptsd
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am just broken by all this infidelity crap. I don't know if it's ptsd or now I'm just a crazy jealous person, but I'm tired of it.

We don't have cable so WH went to a local pub to watch the Bears/Packers game after his SA men's group. I was to meet him after half time and have a glass of wine for a little bit. I walk in and he's sitting at the bar with his back is to me (and the entrance). He's talking to a beautiful woman who is sitting next to him and I freeze. I sit down in the waiting area of the entrance and just watch them talking for about 5 minutes. They weren't flirting that I could tell, she was smiling, but it didn't seem overly friendly. I was frozen, I couldn't go up to him, I felt sheer panic, like a deer in the headlights. I didn't make a scene, I just left and texted to him that what had happened.

He told me he understood my reaction and was disappointed because he was looking forward to me joining him - and that he was telling that woman about me. He said he did nothing wrong, that she sat next to him and he didn't want to be rude to her since it was our neighborhood bar. I think they were talking for at least an hour.

So now here I am feeling like a jealous, broken wife. I hate feeling like this. And I am just confused about what is right in this situation. I think in general it's okay to talk to opposite sex in a casual way, but not with his history...I don't know????

[This message edited by Issaquah at 6:54 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he could have watched the game without talking to a woman for an hour! ((Issaquah)))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6588 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, cut yourself some slack!! That would've made me insane! Right, wrong or whatever.

But, hanging out at bars solo? Talking with a woman in a bar for an hour? These don't sound like marriage-building behaviors. They sound risky.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ps. I just read your bio, in that light I find his behavior totally unacceptable!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he did nothing wrong, that she sat next to him and he didn't want to be rude to her

he needs more work on boundaries. If he needs to be rude to ppl for the sake of your marriage then he should. I would have been livid if I witnessed this. Really, talking to a woman in a bar?
off limits!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5071 | Registered: Dec 2010
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he needs more work on boundaries. If he needs to be rude to ppl for the sake of your marriage then he should. I would have been livid if I witnessed this. Really, talking to a woman in a bar?
off limits!

I did say that to him later. That him making the choice to not be rude to that woman was also making the choice to be hurtful to me. He just doesn't get it, or doesn't want to get it.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, hanging out at bars solo? Talking with a woman in a bar for an hour? These don't sound like marriage-building behaviors. They sound risky.

He is SA, right?

So, do addiction specialists recommend an alcoholic hang out in bars?

There's your answer.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2688 | Registered: Jan 2010
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't have cable so WH went to a local pub to watch the Bears/Packers game after his SA men's group.

While everyone is harping on his issue with talking and bounderies, personally, this was his first mistake to begin with.

Fuck the football, his history should make him give up bars. If he wants to have a drink, then he needs to come home. If he wants to watch a game, then figure out a way to get cable for the few months of football and then turn it off again or something. See if you can stream it online.

His first mistake was walking into that bar to begin with.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Sep 2012
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree he shouldn't have gone to the bar in the first place. Cruising bars alone and talking to women when traveling is one of his SA behaviors. He put it on me to give him "permission" to go because he's a Bears fan and that was such a big game. The rationale was: it's a local place just a mile away - not a hook-up bar and I could join him at anytime.

It's just so messed up. I don't want to be controlling - his boundaries and behavior need to come from him, not me. And then just seeing him talk to that woman put me in a panic and then I felt ashamed for having a reaction to him talking to that woman.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Clearview
♀ Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's gaslighting you by making you feel as if your ptsd is the problem. It isn't. Your ptsd is real and a normal reaction to the trauma of the injury HE caused.

PS. No hook up bars don't exist.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry.. I agree100%. In a typical marriage it is okay to make small talk w/ a women. However, in a bar it is a bit questionable even in the best of marriages.Most people assume someone alone in a bar is looking for one thing. Given the situation, he should have excused himself with any excuse IE"My wife should be here any min.. I'm gonna call and see what is taking her so long.. Good seeing you" walk away! It is not that hard. He shouldn't be more worried about her feelings than he is about yours.
You need to discuss and plan ahead w/ you bs. I td mine that he is not to talk to any woman that is not family.. Am I harsh.. Maybe. So far he has complied. I told him when he sees a pretty woman he needs to look at the ground,, lol.. True.. Pretty much he has done it. Except maybe if I am talking to her and we both know her and he has something small to add to the conversation. Sorry.. I pay for this everyday.. He will have to do this to make me comfortable or leave. Life is too short to go through any of this again.
I also never thought I would be the controlling type. I have never been the type to snoop, go through his phone or tell my was what he can and can't do. I must say that once he was done w/ the few months of false R my ws pretty much polices himself. In the beginning I monitored everything. I had him hooked to every spy gadget imaginable.. I found out a lot that way during false R but one that was done it got boring. Now without me even asking he tells me every move he makes and asks me about everything. He even no longer even goes into a fast food rest or store w/o me.. If he needs to for some reason he will keep me on the phone so I know nothing is going on. It kinda makes me uncomfortable that he does this, but it is his way of proving I have nothing to worry about. In the beginning it helped a lot. This is what true remorse is. Talking to a women in a bar? Sorry, but don't think he is quite there yet.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Issaquah
♀ Member
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback! I was really struggling with feeling like I was being a controlling, jealous b&^%$.

He is going to SA therapy but still not totally getting it and it looks like I need to set some firm boundaries. He had a slip last week and created a secret email on yahoo - which supposedly he deleted, and about a month ago let some strange woman who was sitting in front of the church that he goes to his SAA mtgs use his cell phone to call for a ride (she may have been there after and AA mtg???) and didn't bother to tell me.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 779 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 12

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