We don't have cable so WH went to a local pub to watch the Bears/Packers game after his SA men's group. I was to meet him after half time and have a glass of wine for a little bit. I walk in and he's sitting at the bar with his back is to me (and the entrance). He's talking to a beautiful woman who is sitting next to him and I freeze. I sit down in the waiting area of the entrance and just watch them talking for about 5 minutes. They weren't flirting that I could tell, she was smiling, but it didn't seem overly friendly. I was frozen, I couldn't go up to him, I felt sheer panic, like a deer in the headlights. I didn't make a scene, I just left and texted to him that what had happened.
He told me he understood my reaction and was disappointed because he was looking forward to me joining him - and that he was telling that woman about me. He said he did nothing wrong, that she sat next to him and he didn't want to be rude to her since it was our neighborhood bar. I think they were talking for at least an hour.
So now here I am feeling like a jealous, broken wife. I hate feeling like this. And I am just confused about what is right in this situation. I think in general it's okay to talk to opposite sex in a casual way, but not with his history...I don't know????
[This message edited by Issaquah at 6:54 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
But, hanging out at bars solo? Talking with a woman in a bar for an hour? These don't sound like marriage-building behaviors. They sound risky.
I edit, therefore I am.
He said he did nothing wrong, that she sat next to him and he didn't want to be rude to her
he needs more work on boundaries. If he needs to be rude to ppl for the sake of your marriage then he should. I would have been livid if I witnessed this. Really, talking to a woman in a bar?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I did say that to him later. That him making the choice to not be rude to that woman was also making the choice to be hurtful to me. He just doesn't get it, or doesn't want to get it.
He is SA, right?
So, do addiction specialists recommend an alcoholic hang out in bars?
There's your answer.
We don't have cable so WH went to a local pub to watch the Bears/Packers game after his SA men's group.
While everyone is harping on his issue with talking and bounderies, personally, this was his first mistake to begin with.
Fuck the football, his history should make him give up bars. If he wants to have a drink, then he needs to come home. If he wants to watch a game, then figure out a way to get cable for the few months of football and then turn it off again or something. See if you can stream it online.
His first mistake was walking into that bar to begin with.
It's just so messed up. I don't want to be controlling - his boundaries and behavior need to come from him, not me. And then just seeing him talk to that woman put me in a panic and then I felt ashamed for having a reaction to him talking to that woman.
PS. No hook up bars don't exist.
He is going to SA therapy but still not totally getting it and it looks like I need to set some firm boundaries. He had a slip last week and created a secret email on yahoo - which supposedly he deleted, and about a month ago let some strange woman who was sitting in front of the church that he goes to his SAA mtgs use his cell phone to call for a ride (she may have been there after and AA mtg???) and didn't bother to tell me.