Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
My IC was not long. It helped, but I only went a couple of months. DDay was nearly 3 years ago. The A ended over 3 years ago.
We spent last night watching boardwalk empire snuggling under a blanket, giggling like kids. No A talk, no A thoughts, nothing. We are very happy.
I did a lot of work, and he really changed, a lot. He is like that - he sees something he wants to change, and bam - changed! Me? ha!
So he changed, a lot. An extreme amount. He is a different person really. More open, more loving, happy to be here, married. He had built up 'resentment' to it all because he felt life was passing him by. It was a midlife crisis. He changed completely. I did what most BSs do - learned everything abut affairs, WSs, BSs, the works.
So yes, you can do it, but the two people have to really want it, and they have to do the work required for change and learning about themselves. There is no substitute for that.
My H said he would do MC if I wanted him to. I tried to set that up and they took "intake information" over the phone and said they would call us back with a hopeful match. That took two months! By that time we were well on our way, communicating better than we had ever done in the first 10 years of our M.
My H was very motivated to become a better person, and an H who deserved to have me for his wife. He truly changed in ways I never expected, and did it without counseling. It has also been consistent and lasting (about 7 years now since the A).
My interactions with most counselors prior to the A were far less than impressive. Some of them may be okay, but for the most part they are just people with opinions, not much different than members here even though they have a degree or license that is supposed to make their opinions a bit more important. Some counselors do more harm than good.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 7:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
I read many stories on SI and I am of the opinion that too many people jump into MC way too quickly and sometimes you can see poor results because of that. Remember the a MC is looking to form a bridge with each of your different viewpoints.
Early after DDay I was not willing to compromise - I also felt I was strong enough to clearly state my message and didn't need any assistance in that. Having a MC early from my perspective was just inserting another person in the M decisions that may or may not take my side of things. I was not going to give up control on some issues that would be dealbreakers for me going forward.
Now that I am a year out - I would be much more willing to compromise on things. If you do MC early, you better be sure that the MC will be willing to see the important things that you are not willing to compromise on if you go that route. How do you know that the MC won't want to look at WS blame shifting excuses and spend too much time focusing on that? If you need counseling early, I think an IC is very good way to go, save the MC until you are ready.