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So I think I am staying away from the R board for a while after last night and tonight, and going back to limbo until I can figure somethings out.

My husband and I got into another huge fight tonight. I was informed that I was a lazy, uptight, no-fun bitch and that all of his friends refuse to come over to our house because they hate me and all I do is yell at him. Apparently I do nothing to help around the house, I can't take a joke, I don't know what a game is, and I act like nothing more than a child. He got in my face and screamed at me, then when I called him out on getting drunk, he announced that he would be living in the bonus room indefinitely and that if I leave him, I will be fucking him over financially but he would rather I do that than be with my selfish ass for one single minute. He claims I am manipulative and I twist shit to make him sound like an asshole, when he is really not. And he promptly marched right upstairs to the bonus room and as of 9:40 when I opened the door and checked, he was asleep. I barely got a word in edgewise, other than crying at him to stop.

Every single time we have fights like these, he insists we don't need MC, and refuses to go. Last time he was more open to it, but ended up refusing. I think it is too late for that. I just really do. Marriage counseling is for people who are open to listening. He is not.

I can't keep living like this. It isn't healthy for my daughter to be around. It isn't healthy for me.

So...here I am. I have a lot of decisions about the next steps I need to take.

I heard a lot of that too.

Apparently I do nothing to help around the house, I can't take a joke, I don't know what a game is, and I act like nothing more than a child.

That is just rude.

180 time.

You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Let him live in the bonus room. Let him make his own meals and do his own laundry and clean his own toilet.

BB. Stop crying when he has these mantrums. Get mad and walk the hell away. Your tears are fuel to his fire.....

(((BeyondBreaking)))

I can't keep living like this. It isn't healthy for my daughter to be around. It isn't healthy for me.

You are so right!

Sounds to me like he is making a litany of things *you* do wrong, in order to throw you off your game, get you all emotional, and it's a way to distract you and not own his own shit.

I noticed one of your quotes of "Love is never having to say you're sorry." Even when the movie, Love Story, first came out, I never agreed with this. It's too *ideal* and it's a Hollywood phrase, and it's not real life.

To my way of thinking, not having the grace to say one is sorry gives people a free pass for bad behavior. Of course, love means saying you're sorry, but an apology is empty if one continues to do the same thing!

If I leave him, I will be fucking him over financially...

How does he figure this? Could you clarify? If you and your daughter leave your home, that could be considered abandonment and may come back to bite you. As for messing with him financially, maybe that will be his wake up call.

Please do the 180. If you get a chance, talk with an attorney too. You do not deserve this denigration.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:43 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Oh BB. The things he said to you are just pl just an wrong. I heard that shit too. I read hour story. First I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know this pain and depression. My brain is not the same You have endured so much. Please make today the day you begin to heal. Start with the 180. Life changes start with small steps. Make a plan

Sorry it hit send too soon.

One day when you are through this. You wont have to be subjected to that emotion abuse any more and you will have taught your dailughter how to navivate out of a this abusive situation.

Also..I dont know the quote you are referencing, but of course you aay sorry. But its only valid if the person saying it has actually owned up to what they did. If they just say the words without understanding and remorse then its just hot fluffy air. This too is an important lesson for your little girl.

Big Hugs on your journey. Its a.long road, but there is light at the end and SI will help you navigate this road.

Wow lucky are you?

I am so sorry. These are such ugly

Words that no one should ever have to hear especially from a loving spouse, you are right to call off R. He has issues that need to be dealt with. And you're right. MC is a lost cause until he gets help. I have been through a lot, but not even 1 of those ugly words was ever said to me by my H or anything like that. You know this is not normal, right? If said to me, Not only would I get out of R, I would get out of the M. Anyone capable of saying those words, even if said in anger or drunkenness, is bad news. I assume he has talked to you this way through your entire M? I'm sorry, but that sounds like abuse to me. Do you see it that way? Be well and keep reaching out for the support you deserve. And don't listen to the words of a damaged, mentally and emotionally crippled man. You are none of those things.

He knows the buttons to push 'cause he installed them. 180! 180! 180! Just worry about how you and your daughter right now, and not about the ass in the bonus room.

((BB))

(((Beyond))) I'm sorry, he was really abusive and totally pushing your buttons. Are you in IC right now? definitely 180 is in store.

IN addition to 180, hefty-bag his crap and deliver it to the bonus room. He wants to live there? Fine, then your room is off limits. Install a lock on your bedroom door if required.

I am angry for you. He was way out of line to say any of that to you. And you know what, my X said many of the same things to me to justify his A. Because of my experience, I see your WS actions as not only unremorseful but I expect he is still in the A. Take that with a grain of salt because it was my personal experience not a given fact.

Im sorry

(((hugs)))

I noticed one of your quotes of "Love is never having to say you're sorry." Even when the movie, Love Story, first came out, I never agreed with this. It's too *ideal* and it's a Hollywood phrase, and it's not real life.

I've always interpreted this to mean that if you love someone you will never do anything that necessitates having to say you're sorry.

Your husband is simply projecting and blameshifting. I'm for the lock on the bedroom door. In fact, I did the lock on the bedroom door, but only when I knew the so-called relationship couldn't possibly be saved. I'm not seeing much remorse from your POS husband. Do YOU want to save this relationship--the one HE has broken?

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 8:51 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Now that it is morning and I am more calm:

Last night, I got home from work at 8. H had the day off yesterday, and went to our old condo to clean it up (his parents own the condo and we rented it for a year before buying our house. We moved our stuff, but haven't been back yet- he went and got stuff left over, threw away garbage, swept and vacuumed). He picked up DD, made dinner, and did the dishes because Mondays, I work late and don't get home until DD's bedtime.

We went upstairs to put DD to bed, read her a story, and then H layed on the ground. He was joking around and asked me to drag him from the bedroom. He's not a small guy and I couldn't get him to go anywhere.

He then insisted that I lay down. I refused and told him that I don't want to be dragged. He didn't listen. Again, I said no, and that we should probably leave DD's room so she can go to sleep. Again he told me to lay down. Again, I said no. He told me to lay down again. I said no, I don't want to be dragged. He said, "You just don't want to be dragged because you're afraid that I can't do it." I said, "No, I don't want to be dragged because I don't like having a lack of control over my own body. You know this." (I am a rape victim, I have been in two abusive relationships...I don't like to not have control of my body. I don't like to be carried and H and I have fought about this before. I guess he didn't know that I don't like to be dragged either, but how many times did I say no before giving a reason? Seriously?) With that, he stormed downstairs and yelled out, "I'm done beyondbreaking."

I turned off the light to DD's room and followed him. I asked him what he means when he says he is "done?" He said that I can't take a joke, I don't know how to have fun, and look at all the stuff he did today and all I did was bitch at him when I got home. He was having a perfectly good day until I got home, and now I put him in a bad mood because I think everything is inappropriate and I just like to be angry.

I insisted that wasn't true, but I could barely get a word in edgewise. He told me that none of his friends want to come over anymore because all I do is b*tch at him and they are tired of listening to it.

I got angry and upset, started crying, and went into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher and put away leftover dinner. H followed me, got right in my face (crossed his arms so he clearly wasn't touching me, but put his face an inch away from mine and blocked me everytime I tried to move). He blocked me into a corner, and screamed in my face that I was a little girl, immature, and that I am not allowed to touch his dishes or unload the dishwasher. He slammed the dishwasher shut, called me a bitch, told me to just leave him even though he can't afford the house on his own- I obviously don't care about him or DD, and went to sit on the couch. I walked into the bedroom to get my pajamas on, and told him that I was not going to speak to him while he was drunk anymore, and he yelled at me from the sofa that this was my fault, I would try and twist this but I'm just a manipulative b*tch who is trying to make him look like an asshole and really I am the asshole. Then he told me he was going to live in the bonus room and stormed upstairs. I went to check on him 20 minutes later, thinking he maybe cooled down and we could talk. Nope, he was asleep.

This morning, he got up and came storming into our bedroom, turned the lights on, and asked if he has any clean laundry. I told him where clean pants were folded, and that he should check the dryer for a shirt. There was one in there. He yelled at me for leaving dinner out. He told me to stop being such a bitch and he could forgive me, and left for work. Called me after I dropped off DD, when I was on my way to work and said he was sorry, he loves me, and that he was just mad last night.

All of you are right. This IS abusive. In every single sense of the word. There is no way he should have gone off the deep end because I said no, I don't want to be dragged.

I am going to 180.

I am going to give him an ultimatum: he comes to MC with me and starts working on his drinking problem, or DD and I are moving out.

Lord, give me the strength.

Definitely hefty bag his stuff into the bonus room..

Be careful about making MC an ultimatum..

It is a challenge to find the right counselor first time around..He has to want to go to counseling on his own for his effort to be genuine and not superficial..

See a lawyer before you move out(if you are the one to move out).. If you guys are home owners, to protect your interest in the house, you may have to make your decision formal ( i.e. officially file for S or D)..

Some people separate after stuff like this, no ifs ands or buts...If the WS becomes remorseful and works on his/her issues there may be a chance down the road for R if it isn't too late for the BS...

It sounds like your WH may thrive off of the 180(mine does) but it doesn't matter, you will want to do stuff in your day to day life to make you and your daughter a priority..Don't do stuff for his yelling screaming A$$..

You wrote that his words were said in a drunken rage.....How in the world can one erase those hurtful words once they are said drunk or not?

Just be gentle with yourself and don't believe a word he says until he has worked on himself and is a reformed man..

Hugs and strength to you...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:28 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

If he has a problem with drinking,he needs to go to AA. Make it a requirement.

You and your DD are in an abusive relationship NOW with this man.

I have to agree about AA...In some people, drinking is a big problem because it brings out their worst...

Again it might be wise to suspend R (as you mentioned) and to physically separate until your H has worked on himself to the point where you can feel confident that he will no longer drink or be abusive..

You will know by his actions if he is a changed man and this can and will take a looong time...In the meantime, don't believe his pretty words..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:38 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

(((BeyondBreaking)))

Just wondering is your husband a habitual drinker or alcoholic? My W is an alcoholic and doesn't seem to want to quit. Our fights go similarly to what you just described, it is always a review of all of my faults. She has also told me her friends don't like to come to our house because I'm so stiff. However, most of her friends are abusers and they encouraged her A, and actively participate in adultery themselves, as if it is just normal. Maybe for them it is. I don't want those kind of people at my house anyway. She wasn't always like that, but has been the last few years. She is also unwilling to listen, she is always right, even when she is wrong. Whatever your next decisions are, you are not alone. Best of luck, and be strong!

I think a lawyer is way more important to you now than any MC can be.

If he drinks and then abuses you, I would bet he's an alcoholic. C just doesn't work with an active alcoholic. Nothing can change until he stops drinking.

So get to a lawyer before you expend any energy on finding an MC.

((((BB))))

He is an abusive ass. You need to stop this stuff right now. You say you have been in an abusive relationship before, therefore you know exactly what you are dealing with.

By allowing him to behave that way, and treat you with that level of disrespect you are sending the wrong message to your daughter. Please please please, go see an attorney sooner than later, find out what your rights are. In the meantime 180. After you see the attorney and know whatyou want, and how it can play out, then you can make your ultimatum. Be ready to stick to it.

Even if you weren't trying to heal from infidelity his behavior is abhorent and abusive. Even if he is drinking too much, his behavior is unexcusable. Even if it started out as a game, he was an insensitive ass because he knows your history.

Then for him to manipulate, and turn it around today, oh he's sorry, blah de blah de freaking blah. You stay strong, tell him he is welcome to the bonus room for now. You cannot allow him or anyone to treat you with the level of disrespect he chose to last night. If he doesn't like then tough titty. Please tell him this before he starts drinking tonight.

((((and strength)))

Just because he isn't physically striking you doesn't mean it isn't abuse. I'm glad that you recognize it as such.

This is the typical cycle of abuse. Him apologizing and promises of never doing it again (sometimes this occurs too) is the reconciliation phase. The next phase will be the calm before the storm starts building again.

Only you can break this cycle for yourself.

He definitely has a problem with drinking even if he isn't an out and out alcoholic. Drinking only exacerbates the abuse.

Can you go somewhere else and live or send him away and have the locks changed? 180 is great when it's not an abusive relationship, but he is an abuser. 180 may just not be enough.

I'm sorry that you and your DD are dealing with this.

Do you have family close by?

I agree with others, you are in an abusive relationship now.

My wh has said things like this to me many times, but I decided I will no longer allow it and now I stand up to him more. I think for me I had to decide that I would be fine if he leaves me or if I choose to leave him. I will be sad of course, but I will survive. For me that was the turning point.

My wh has been in IC for awhile now, he went on his own, but it was at a time that he knew I would leave if things didn't change. He has gotten a lot better about the things he says to me. He still at times will say things that are unkind, I will call him out on it and he will stop, think about what he is doing and talk to me in a better way. Does that make sense?

Maybe instead of mc, you can see if he will go to ic, or both if that's what you want.

Please don't stand for this treatment from him any longer. Be strong as I'm sure you really are. Think of all you have survived and realize you will survive this.

I have been in abusive R's and in the most abusive situation, so I understand what you are going through. I have thought that these abusive men seek us out, women who they see are kind almost to a fault and then seek to destroy us and damage us, even more than we have been. We have to stop it and realize we don't deserve this.

Hugs.