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User Topic: "Sex just wasn't that great with OP!"
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(This turned into a bit of a rant - sorry.)

Yeah. Sure.

You couldn't get it up. You "almost never got off" with her. You never, ever thought about her while in bed with me. She just lay there and didn't do much. Sometimes you felt such pangs of guilt you couldn't really enjoy yourself. I'm better at absolutely everything in bed than she was, everything. She wasn't very adventurous.

Had a conversation about this last night with my WS, and I'm so eager to believe him about how mediocre the sex was with OW. I'm sure a lot of it was pretty standard. But I'm also sure I'm not hearing the whole story. If it was really that boring, I very much doubt you'd have kept going back. WS says the reason he kept going back was the fact that the sex was just available anytime. Nonsense. I turned him down for sex maybe once in our whole marriage. I was available. Very available.

I hear this kind of stuff all the time on SI, I've heard some of it from my own WH. I'm sure it's true about parts of the affair, but it cannot possibly be true as much as I hear it said.

I call bullshit.

I understand the urge for WS to only highlight the bad parts about the relationship with OP when they're covering their asses, and I understand that it's nearly impossible for a WS to be brutally honest about this kind of stuff, but I'm sorry, I wasn't born yesterday. Something was great about it, or you would not have gone back the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh time, despite telling yourself that you shouldn't. My ego wants to believe you so, so badly. This wound needs some kind of balm and my heart needs to find some reason, however illogical, to keep loving you. But give me a damn break - you liked it until the minute you got off, and then you felt like guilty crap until you shoved the thoughts away. And whatever new promises you made yourself about not doing it any more lasted just long enough for you to get horny again. And once again, you liked it. It got your dick hard. You probably masturbated to thoughts of your sex with her regularly. You're a guy, and them's the facts, so stop sugarcoating.

Thing is, I don't really want to hear the details. I don't ask for them. What I want is brutal honesty about my WS's motivations. Or I feel like I'm still being lied to.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 12:22 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
crestfallen
♀ Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get ready.....You just summed the whole thing up yourself.

You got all you are going to get from you H about the sex with his AP.

How do I know? I got the same lines....
Sex was mechanical...
Sex was just ok....
Sex with you is sooo much better...
I was uncomfortable with her, so I was never really relaxed...
My dick never got rock hard like it does with you....So, I kept trying,it never happened....It was supposed to be like the Playboy articles...(Are you fucking kidding me).
I was just into the sneak...I loved sneaking!
I have been a good Catholic boy my whole life, I wanted to be a bad boy...

Affairs don't make sense and you are never going to make sense out of nonsense.

I sometimes think the way you do, but we are almost five years out and the A is clearly over.

It's just all shit because they don't want to deal. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth about the sex. But, quite frankly, he did have a choice and I guess if he loved her so much and the sex was so amazing, he would have left and not put up with the fallout.

Its not about the sex with her...it was all about HIM!


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thessalian
Sorry to hear. I was reading your post and it sounded just like m WH it's unbelievable that they all say the same thing. I don't know what to believe. I still don't get why go back if it was so embarrassing. He too couldn't get it up. But you managed somehow to still fuck her.. So really?
I am further in now so I think it was the thrill of it being secret that overshadowed the sex. I do believe that it wasn't better or the same as we know them better than anyone else.
Of course at the moment I am done with sex. We rarely hate it now and it's a huge trigger for me. And honestly I'm just not interested. Not sure if it's menopause or the A. But I would rather he not touch me. I feel cheap and that's probably not good for R but that where I am.
So for j/t.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH had the unmitigated fucking gall to tell me that not only was OW better in bed than me, but that I sucked in bed. Maybe his A sex was great when it was still a dirty secret; dunno, don't care.

As the WS, sex w/OM was pretty good, on a physical level. But it got boring, due to the lack of emotion connection. It seemed like the only thing that made it good after that was all the stupid drama fueling the whole thing.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call bullshit.

Oh it is. For sure.

But the thing is, would you rather hear how great it was?

That is why I leave this one alone.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe for adults, new sex is hot sex. expecially if its brief. brief brings repeats, it wasnt enough. They cant get enough. Personally, I can relate to the new sex fantasy. But my fantasy has no betrayal. Or families. Or lies. I cannot believe it wasnt enjoyable. I remember the first time My H and I had sex......I am familiar sexually with one party of their affair. I am familiar with his actions. I have no doubt it is enjoyed. Thats part of the pain.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 903 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
WhiteCarrera
♂ Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the link to a similar thread ("Sex with AP was Awful") from a few weeks ago. Some good comments there as well.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507407&HL=29126


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 274 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never believed most of what WH said about sex with OW. Truth has been coming out in spurts. Of course he lied about what it was like.

If I step out of my hat as a BS and put on my fWW (first husband) hat - I can say sometimes it does suck. TMI warning here. Size doesn't matter unless the man is about 3 inches rock hard on a good day, then it matters - at least to me it did. The actual sex sucked with OM but the feelings didnt. I thought I was in love, he made me feel wanted. So the actual sex sucked but the experience felt "good" at the time.

It's a twisted world to live in. Wayward land is a messed up place filled with fake emotions and experiences.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This reminds me of a BS who said that her WS told her that once while having sex with the OW the OW said something along the lines of to tell her she is better and more wonderful than the BS. The WS then said that she is NOT better than the BS and to never said such horrible things about her again. Bear in mind this conversation was suppose to happen during the ACTUAL sex act.

When the BS made the thread it seemed like she was really clinging to this "conversation" as a form of hope.... But realistically.., yeah, it probably never happened. That gives one a very good idea of what people are willing to believe to help alleviate the pain, no matter how ludicrous the story.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex (DD's dad- I sure know how to pick -em, huh?) used to quote the saying:

"Cheating is like fast food. You do it, you like it, you feel like shit after."

Nobody admits to loving McDonalds, and everyone talks about how bloated and icky they feel after eating fast food...but those fries are sure delicious while you're eating them, right?

Since breaking up with DD's dad, he answers ALL of my questions (even now, it's been years and sometimes they just come up). He's not worries about impressing me, trying to win me back, or trying to make me happy. So he's been pretty straight about telling me how it is.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***WARNING TMI AHEAD****

From my fww pov the sex in my case with xOM was very similar to sodamnlost's experience. I was emotionally involved and then when the PA occurred the sex was actually one of the worst experiences of my life. Not all Ap's are good in bed. I did go back a second time because I could not believe the first time was so bad. It was bad the second time too.

My WH says his experience with MOW was awkward, but not awkward enough because I read in one of MOW's texts about how he (ya know) on her face


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exslut actually wrote a list of things she loved about her ap, a kid 22 years younger than her, and best sex ever was on the list, so when she told me that i was her best ever i knew she was lying yet again. Theres enough research that suggests the high involved in cheating is like a drug, so most affairs have a heightened state of sexual pleasure...the downside is, once exposed, or when the ap becomes the next spouse, most people report sexual satisfaction goes down, because the deep trust and length of commitment arent in the equation. Not so fun when you cant sneak around anymore.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Cheating is like fast food. You do it, you like it, you feel like shit after."

Nobody admits to loving McDonalds, and everyone talks about how bloated and icky they feel after eating fast food...but those fries are sure delicious while you're eating them, right?

Wow, nice sum up, I really think this is it.


But the thing is, would you rather hear how great it was?

That is why I leave this one alone.

No, dear god no. And I have refrained from asking a whole lot of "was she better at _____", or any real details. But it's not really about that. I'm perfect willing to hear that parts of it were bad, providing I feel like the whole truth is being painted for me, and that WH is confronting the whole, shitty truth. Surely, parts of it were bad. But parts of it were also good, and hearing this kind of "oh, she was all around boring in bed" kind of stuff makes me feel like WH isn't actually being honest with himself about what he was really doing and thinking. Like he's still sugarcoating for me. Obviously she wasn't that boring, he went back so many times. That he's minimizing the reality of the situation.

XH had the unmitigated fucking gall to tell me that not only was OW better in bed than me, but that I sucked in bed. Maybe his A sex was great when it was still a dirty secret; dunno, don't care.

I am SO SORRY. Hearing that would have broken my heart into a million pieces. But I guess at least if I heard something like that I'd know I was hearing what he really thought? I mean, maybe he's being honest about some of this stuff, but when EVERYTHING with AP was "not great" I want to scream, "then why did you keep doing it? You didn't love her, the sex was meh... I'm clearly missing part of the story!"

This reminds me of a BS who said that her WS told her that once while having sex with the OW the OW said something along the lines of to tell her she is better and more wonderful than the BS. The WS then said that she is NOT better than the BS and to never said such horrible things about her again. Bear in mind this conversation was suppose to happen during the ACTUAL sex act.

Pfffff. Yeah, right. This is exactly what I mean - part of me is so eager to minimize the pain that I want to believe anything. The other part of me wants to be scalded with the truth.

I am further in now so I think it was the thrill of it being secret that overshadowed the sex. I do believe that it wasn't better or the same as we know them better than anyone else.

Yeah. I agree. I don't know if it was the thrill of the secrecy for my WH so much as the thrill of having someone want him. He was broken, she was broken, their brokenness (plural) matched.

I am familiar with his actions. I have no doubt it is enjoyed. Thats part of the pain.

For me, this is the worst part. While he was stabbing me in the heart, he was having so much fun.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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