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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I can understand why exwh cheated on me
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

courageous what so many of us are saying is "IT'S NOT YOU. IT IS HIM"

After years on this board, I've come to realize that the reasons given for cheating are so wide and so varied that it is mind blowing. What it comes down to is that the cheater had their own issues and made excuses with you as the target. It really has NOTHING to do with you.

I was fit and sexy and had a career and on and on. You know what one of his excuses was? Why he liked OW better than me? She would drink with him and I wouldn't. REALLY? How ridiculous does that sound.

Focus on what's fabulous about you. Keep repeating it until its part of your very being. Then think...'damn! he was an idiot'


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if this is helpful or not but what was so wonderful about your x?

Can you reflect honestly and truthfully about him? What did he really add to your life? I find when the negative self talk in x's voice starts it is because I start "romantacising" him. I discount the truth and build him up to being a decent but misunderstood person.

When I stop doing this and really accept the POS abusive and defective sorry excuse for a person he is his true whiny fake voice comes out and I can start hearing the BS for what it really is. Its hard to change the record though as I allowed myself to be a victim for so long.

His A was never about you, nothing you did or did not do could have changed the outcome. The only person you can control is yourself.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of this matters. His opinion of what a woman *should* look like doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what makes you feel good about yourself. What makes you, you.

I have an advanced ivy league degree, generally well-respected in my field, no debt, a good family and friends, volunteer, take in rescue animals and all the rest. I'm also 5'7", 125lbs and I get my hair and nails done regularly. Guess what? He still cheated on me. With a woman who has a low-level job, is overweight, doesn't do her hair or her nails, just had a baby. He showed me a photo of her family once, before I knew about the A, and I couldn't tell her apart from her mother. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

It sounds to me, based on what you say about your mother, like you might have grown up learning to feel bad about yourself. Don't. Don't try to see yourself through others eyes. Break the cycle!

((hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the instinct to self blame, struggled with it for a bit myself. It helps restore some sense of order, control to balance the chaos. If you had been just so, this wouldn’t have happened, so if you can be just so, it will never happen again. Nice in theory, but life doesn’t work that way. Believe it or not, other people are going to do what they are going to do whether you are skinny, fat, or purple.

Scary and chaotic right? How can you protect yourself if you can’t influence other’s behavior by being the way they want you to be?

Well you don’t. You be the way you want to be. You protect yourself by looking out for you and acting in your own best interest in a considerate and gracious manner, if others can’t appreciate that then they can bugger off. Surround yourself with happy, healthy people who don’t require you to define them and will appreciate you for who you are.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is not his opinion - it is his way of justifying what he did. If he did feel that way why didn't he talk to you? Divorce you?

Many a beautiful woman and man has been cheated on. DD OW looked like a man.

The BSs attractiveness factors exactly zero in cheating.

Why did he cheat? Because he is a fucked up, broken POS.

Why did he tell you these devastating lies? Because he is a cruel, nasty bastard who cannot and will not face the fact that it is his ugliness that caused this.

What kind of man cheats on the mother of his newborn? A fucking monster, that's who.

The sad clown is the least attractive man I have ever dated. Had he been the man I thought I married I would have loved him forever. I would have died in his arms.

I'm sorry you're hurting and that you are listening to the shit your poor self esteem is telling you.

You need to address this, friend. It is your job to love yourself. You need to work on repairing the damaged relationship with yourself.

((courageous))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SurelyNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP you cannot think so little of yourself. Please do NOT entertain such negative thoughts about yourself. You need to break this terrible cycle.
You have to take care of yourself and find your self worth, he is absolutely not worth it, YOU ARE. Please believe in yourself and try to maintain a positive attitude. Think about it, as if a manicure could have saved your marriage, how ridiculous.
((((Hugs)))) to you and I hope you can overcome these negative thoughts. Best wishes on your journey/

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
welcome14
♀ Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, sweetie, as others have said, it is not you. It is him. Google these names if you have to:
Elin Nordgren
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Jacqueline freaking Kennedy
All impossibly attractive, talented, wealthy and thin and beautiful. And cheated on.


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1222 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that You Are Enough
.

Thank you... Really that is very sweet of you and you are right... Until I can change the negative voice in my head I won't feel like I'm enough. I just wish I could figure out how to make that negative voice to shut up!

To answer the question, no I'm not under the care of a psychiatrist. I have gone to a rape counselor earlier this year doe a while but I have so much going on in my life that talking about a low self esteem is low on the list.

[This message edited by courageous at 3:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so much going on in my life that talking about a low self esteem is low on the list.

Don't minimise - self esteem runs to the core of how we cope with everything that has been thrown at us.

I've rediscovered mine - it was always there but suppressed in order to tolerate that M and also to fulfil my FOO coping mechanism of becoming invisible in order to tolerate the intolerable.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your self esteem is in the toilet and your lovely mother is not helping. You need to work on that and also learn to tell you mother to shut it.

My mother has made comments about my weight and what I do and don't eat my entire life. Matter of fact last week for Halloween my entire office at work dressed up in costumes. I had a fitted tank top on. My mom made a comment about how all of us had our bellies sticking out... No skin was showing, she was talking about my weight. And I hadn't eaten anything all day so it wasn't because I was full.

That negative self talk can really take hold sometimes and it's hard to let it go. But, at some point, you need to.

I think I finally figured out what happened Monday night. I got triggered by a list I found in my D paperwork while looking for a document. The list was written by exwh about the pros and cons of our marriage and what were the issues. It boiled down to he didn't want to spend time with me because he was giving me "time to relax" even though I have requested him to spend time with me many times. Yet he expected sex when he wanted it because he "had a need".... It was to the point that he would rape me. He married me because he had a need for a hole.... All I was to him was a hole a that was also his maid/servant.

That voice keeps telling me that maybe if I was just better at... Then he wouldn't have treated me like he did.

I'm not sugar coating my marriage. I was miserable! I felt like I was a single mother but I was married (apparently just to myself). I would beg him to spend time with me and he would rather play video games until 2 in the morning. Yes video games were more important to him than me and the kids.

Honestly, even if I was thinner, was girlie girl, dressed up and rocking it he would have still had issues with me because I didn't want him touching me. I did everything in my power not to turn him on.... He abused me why would I want to give him an excuse to abuse me more.

I know I'm a bit stupid when it comes to guys but I just found out that guys can get turned on to the point of being "blue" and survive without sex!


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been freed from the emotional prison he was holding you in.

Yes and like a prisoner that has been in prison for so long I take up where he left off. It's like the negative talk is my safety' and comfort zone. I don't want to be like this. I know I need to start facing the lies head on. My support group suggested saying the lies out loud because then it sound so ridiculous. But my negative voice talks back to me about how everything is a lie.

13 and I are reading "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Dummies" together. It's a fantastic book that tackles that way of thinking about yourself (I guess the title vs the goal is a little ironic when you think about it).

Thanks for the suggestion. I will check it out.

And by the way, you are a mean motherfucking glamour queen. He was lucky to have you.

Thank you, that is so sweet of you to say. It brought tears to my eyes. My exwh only gave me one compliment in our entire 11 years together (my IC helped me realize it never was a compliment). I asked him if he preferred me with makeup or without. He said that I looked better without makeup because with it I looked like a clown. Wow! What a charmer I married


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen, my mom critiques my weight too. I've learned to let it roll off my back. It's annoying.

Sounds like your marriage was extremely abusive and you made excuses to stay. In that case, he has done you a huge favor by setting you free. In time you will see this and be grateful. It sucks now, buy mucu much much better days ahead.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 32
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