After years on this board, I've come to realize that the reasons given for cheating are so wide and so varied that it is mind blowing. What it comes down to is that the cheater had their own issues and made excuses with you as the target. It really has NOTHING to do with you.
I was fit and sexy and had a career and on and on. You know what one of his excuses was? Why he liked OW better than me? She would drink with him and I wouldn't. REALLY? How ridiculous does that sound.
Focus on what's fabulous about you. Keep repeating it until its part of your very being. Then think...'damn! he was an idiot'
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Can you reflect honestly and truthfully about him? What did he really add to your life? I find when the negative self talk in x's voice starts it is because I start "romantacising" him. I discount the truth and build him up to being a decent but misunderstood person.
When I stop doing this and really accept the POS abusive and defective sorry excuse for a person he is his true whiny fake voice comes out and I can start hearing the BS for what it really is. Its hard to change the record though as I allowed myself to be a victim for so long.
His A was never about you, nothing you did or did not do could have changed the outcome. The only person you can control is yourself.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
I have an advanced ivy league degree, generally well-respected in my field, no debt, a good family and friends, volunteer, take in rescue animals and all the rest. I'm also 5'7", 125lbs and I get my hair and nails done regularly. Guess what? He still cheated on me. With a woman who has a low-level job, is overweight, doesn't do her hair or her nails, just had a baby. He showed me a photo of her family once, before I knew about the A, and I couldn't tell her apart from her mother. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
It sounds to me, based on what you say about your mother, like you might have grown up learning to feel bad about yourself. Don't. Don't try to see yourself through others eyes. Break the cycle!
Scary and chaotic right? How can you protect yourself if you can’t influence other’s behavior by being the way they want you to be?
Well you don’t. You be the way you want to be. You protect yourself by looking out for you and acting in your own best interest in a considerate and gracious manner, if others can’t appreciate that then they can bugger off. Surround yourself with happy, healthy people who don’t require you to define them and will appreciate you for who you are.
Many a beautiful woman and man has been cheated on. DD OW looked like a man.
The BSs attractiveness factors exactly zero in cheating.
Why did he cheat? Because he is a fucked up, broken POS.
Why did he tell you these devastating lies? Because he is a cruel, nasty bastard who cannot and will not face the fact that it is his ugliness that caused this.
What kind of man cheats on the mother of his newborn? A fucking monster, that's who.
The sad clown is the least attractive man I have ever dated. Had he been the man I thought I married I would have loved him forever. I would have died in his arms.
I'm sorry you're hurting and that you are listening to the shit your poor self esteem is telling you.
You need to address this, friend. It is your job to love yourself. You need to work on repairing the damaged relationship with yourself.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
I want to reach out and hug you and tell you that You Are Enough
Thank you... Really that is very sweet of you and you are right... Until I can change the negative voice in my head I won't feel like I'm enough. I just wish I could figure out how to make that negative voice to shut up!
To answer the question, no I'm not under the care of a psychiatrist. I have gone to a rape counselor earlier this year doe a while but I have so much going on in my life that talking about a low self esteem is low on the list.
[This message edited by courageous at 3:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
I have so much going on in my life that talking about a low self esteem is low on the list.
Don't minimise - self esteem runs to the core of how we cope with everything that has been thrown at us.
I've rediscovered mine - it was always there but suppressed in order to tolerate that M and also to fulfil my FOO coping mechanism of becoming invisible in order to tolerate the intolerable.
Your self esteem is in the toilet and your lovely mother is not helping. You need to work on that and also learn to tell you mother to shut it.
My mother has made comments about my weight and what I do and don't eat my entire life. Matter of fact last week for Halloween my entire office at work dressed up in costumes. I had a fitted tank top on. My mom made a comment about how all of us had our bellies sticking out... No skin was showing, she was talking about my weight. And I hadn't eaten anything all day so it wasn't because I was full.
That negative self talk can really take hold sometimes and it's hard to let it go. But, at some point, you need to.
I think I finally figured out what happened Monday night. I got triggered by a list I found in my D paperwork while looking for a document. The list was written by exwh about the pros and cons of our marriage and what were the issues. It boiled down to he didn't want to spend time with me because he was giving me "time to relax" even though I have requested him to spend time with me many times. Yet he expected sex when he wanted it because he "had a need".... It was to the point that he would rape me. He married me because he had a need for a hole.... All I was to him was a hole a that was also his maid/servant.
That voice keeps telling me that maybe if I was just better at... Then he wouldn't have treated me like he did.
I'm not sugar coating my marriage. I was miserable! I felt like I was a single mother but I was married (apparently just to myself). I would beg him to spend time with me and he would rather play video games until 2 in the morning. Yes video games were more important to him than me and the kids.
Honestly, even if I was thinner, was girlie girl, dressed up and rocking it he would have still had issues with me because I didn't want him touching me. I did everything in my power not to turn him on.... He abused me why would I want to give him an excuse to abuse me more.
I know I'm a bit stupid when it comes to guys but I just found out that guys can get turned on to the point of being "blue" and survive without sex!
You have been freed from the emotional prison he was holding you in.
Yes and like a prisoner that has been in prison for so long I take up where he left off. It's like the negative talk is my safety' and comfort zone. I don't want to be like this. I know I need to start facing the lies head on. My support group suggested saying the lies out loud because then it sound so ridiculous. But my negative voice talks back to me about how everything is a lie.
13 and I are reading "Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Dummies" together. It's a fantastic book that tackles that way of thinking about yourself (I guess the title vs the goal is a little ironic when you think about it).
Thanks for the suggestion. I will check it out.
And by the way, you are a mean motherfucking glamour queen. He was lucky to have you.
Thank you, that is so sweet of you to say. It brought tears to my eyes. My exwh only gave me one compliment in our entire 11 years together (my IC helped me realize it never was a compliment). I asked him if he preferred me with makeup or without. He said that I looked better without makeup because with it I looked like a clown. Wow! What a charmer I married
Sounds like your marriage was extremely abusive and you made excuses to stay. In that case, he has done you a huge favor by setting you free. In time you will see this and be grateful. It sucks now, buy mucu much much better days ahead.