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User Topic: Validation from spouse not enough?
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Complimenting my ex was something that I know I could have been better at. Telling her how attractive she was, that I thought she was smart, etc.

When I started working on me (during her A), this was one area that I worked on. She seemed to like that I was giving her more affirmation and validation. However, she still seemed to enjoy it more from other people. Her boss paying her a compliment would make her entire day.

I keep wondering if maybe my validation was simply not enough for her. Not that it justifies her A. But if feels like my validation was not as meaningful as that coming from others; especially those in authority (like her boss).

Her AP was a manager at his company and had some level of authority at his job. So, maybe in her mind it made his compliments more valid or meaningful than mine since I was just a blue color worker. Maybe she didn't really believe in or value my validation. Or, maybe she got used to my compliments and they somehow became less meaningful.

I know I will never get all of the answers. Anyone else experience this?


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a backwards way -
Wh used to tell me I didn't know when I would compliment him that I just said stuff without meaning it. HOWEVER --- part of his reasoning of having the 35 year old chickie was because she stroked his ego so nicely!

SO - I validated wh - I appreciated (verbally and written) his work, his character (stupid me), his appearance (he had started working out more), his providing for his family; but it meant nothing to him compared to chickie admiring him in his uniform.

Looking back, I believe he was squirming in guilt when I would compliment him and therefore I got the backlash.

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 10:47 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 450 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always complimented my spouse.
Doesnt matter what you the BS did ir did not do. They were broken. Cant fix stupid.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3186 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of have the opposite issue. Ive always tried to be very positive with my husband. Supportive, tried to treat the issues very gently. Basically my parents were so horrible to each other verbally that I promised never to treat another like that so I treated him with kid gloves..

I think glossing over things made it worse in a way. Im struggling with telling him how I really feel because I don't want to come out as super critical. Sometimes I think I should write all my feeling down and give it to him. Maybe then he will realize how unhappy I have been for the last several years.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was not possible for me to compliment him or validate him enough. He actually wanted me to praise and/or thank him for each thing he did each day. He is so empty inside, there's a black hole where his soul and self-esteem should be. It never mattered how much I praised & thanked him (and it's in my nature to notice & encourage people!), he never accepted it, didn't seem to appreciate it (I didn't do it at the right time, didn't use the right tone of voice, didn't seem excited enough), and it just wasn't enough.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9461 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Onan
♂ Member
Member # 33473
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I understand it is the spouse is "expected" to complement the other spouse. And because it's expected it means much less than when coming from a third party ie. boss/AP. This, unfortunately makes it impossible to compete with ANY form of scumbag AP with compliments or validation. I really don't think you being blue collar had much to do with it.


BS(me): 56
WW(her): 52
M: 19yrs
D-day: 8/25/2011
Good news: Wife really, really likes sex. Bad news: Just not with me.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And this is why IC and fixing *their* shit is so important for a WS to do. What you have described points to a WS that has a *hole* in her bucket. You could have been on her like white on rice and it would not have been enough (most likely).

I know that some, when given validation by their spouse, kinda blow it off because it comes from....the spouse. The mind says "well spouse *has* to say that....", and blow it off because of that reason. Outside validation seems awesome because *that* person doesn't *have* to say/do that, kwim?

Or the *message* will be lost in translation (maybe tied in to my previous thought, idk). I can think of 2 conversations (pre D-day) right now that were *meaningful* to me but not so much to my stbx.

#1. He is in sales. He came home and told me about a sales call that he had been on one day. The man that my stbx had been dealing with was a total asshole who treated my stbx like shit.....but by stbx's account -- he dealt with it. I was impressed. And I *told* my stbx that. I said something like "*You rock.* I would not have been able to keep my shit together if that guy was saying that stuff to me. I would have told him off and walked out. But you stuck with it. Good on you." When we talked about this incident a few years later....he told me that when I said that to him, he *interpreted* it as me telling him that he was a pussy who sat and ate the shit sandwich that guy handed him.

#2. Pre-Dday my world revolved around my stbx and my kids. Unhealthy relationship dynamic set in place due to stbx's complete insecurities (that I see now)....but, whatever. Anyway. I remember one night when stbx was expressing some *insecurity* and I responded with "I don't have a lot of close friends and I don't talk to my family much but it's okay because I have you and I have the kids. We are all healthy and thriving and that is *enough* for me. I am happy and content with what I have right here at home." And as in example #1.....I find out years later that his interpretation was that "I had no one else so I'm going to stay with him because he makes good money and I don't want to be alone."

The issue lies within the mind. It has nothing to do with what you say or how much you do. If the spouse has a *hole* in the bucket.....YOU will never be able to do enough to fill it. There is not a darn thing that you can do to that is going to correct the *wrong* messages that your WS is conjuring up in their minds. Not.One.Thing.

And stop thinking of yourself as *just* a blue-collar worker. Every single person has value. No person is *just* anything. You have value.

This has NOTHING to do with the person that you are or what you gave to her. This is all on her.

There will always be someone *higher* on the totem pole (better job, more authority, etc.). Stay true to yourself.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7869 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Scientist
♂ New Member
Member # 40910
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesnt matter what you the BS did or did not do. They were broken. Cant fix stupid.

Totally agree. I was always complimenting my WW. POSOM never did (I mean NEVER!). Yet she preferred his attention. Truly it's her fault not mine. At least she is beginning to own it now, and she has never blamed me. Plenty of on-line articles do, though... (Thank God for SI - people here know better).


Me: 58
WW: 58
M: 36 years
Together 39 years
4 children, 1 grandchild
dday(1) July 2005; dday(2) September 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H needs alot of validation. I dont feel comfortable giving it. I still harbor bad feelings over this whole EA A. He has recently tried to compliment me. It means nothing. Makes me very uncomfortable, as I feel its an out right lie. We have not resolved our hard feelings. He chooses to pretend it never happened. I am a truth person. If there are any lies, I shut down. He never complimented me before, in our 30 yrs of marriage. Why now? This attitude is not one to R, I admit, but faking it doesnt get us there either. I have to keep it truthful. Too little too late?


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 888 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People have nailed it on the head - it's this pounding need for external validation. The problem is, they can never get enough or too much...love the hole in the bucket description.

The big issue here is that they have to learn how to self validate. Nothing will truly right itself until they do. You can hold up your part and do the complimenting, etc - this is good and healthy to a point. People need this from each other. We can't fill that hole though, they need to.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sounds like immaturity to me. A compliment from one of the head hancho's being better than the man that loves you. Idk, my ws doesn't compliment me and although I appreciate one from a stranger, It doesn't light up my day.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to leave cards, notes, special cand and lunches in my WHs lunchbox. Fill up his car w gas, give him backrubs after a stressful day. Compliment him, tell him how much I appreciate him, plan secret date nights etc. He still had an A. I don't think it was my validation that came up shori think it was his inner lack of confidence that was boosted when the barely 22yo OW flirted with him. I think the attention from someone else is what made him feel special.

It makes me sick to think he overlooked the fact his wife and kids adored him and held him up so high for the cheap thrills he got from her.

He was and I feel still is broken deep down and there's nothing i did or could have done to prevent it.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. I always complemented my WW. I think over the years she got used to it, and would respond with something like, "You're supposed to say that", "You're crazy", or sometimes just roll her eyes. They became less meaningful to her because she lost her affection for me. From the day I met her to this day, she is physically a beautiful woman. But she is broken on the inside. With that brokenness, complements from others can cross a line in her mind, where otherwise they would not.

I still complement her as much as I can. She seems to notice now, or at least say "Thank you". But I still think it means more to her coming from other people.


Posts: 195 | Registered: Oct 2013
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was always appreciative of my H and never said one bad word about him

He didn't stroke MY ego but it never crossed my mind to cheat


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1744 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm...when my WS complimented me, I always discounted what she said - after all, she loved me, so she was prejudiced. Since she was prejudiced, I couldn't know if she was telling me truth.

I complimented my W a lot - she has lots of good qualities. She discounted my compliments more than I did hers.

So, yeah, I agree that validation from spouse isn't enough. The only thing that works is loving yourself. If you love yourself, you accept and enjoy compliments, but you don't need them. If you love yourself, you can tell the difference between a compliment and flattery, and neither will cause you to give up your boundaries.

I spent over 10 years as a manager. My W cheated with and unemployed person with no notable skills (other than manipulating other people). Managers get cheated on, too. The problem, I agree, is with the WS, not with the BS.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read some of your posts.
Your XWW was an idiot. Plain and simple.
Most women that are rational, and healthy with a healthy self esteem would a million times more prefer their husband compliment them.
I'm not an unattractive woman, I've received lots of compliments from lots of men while I was married.
My STBXH stopped complimenting me oh, say about the end of our second year of marriage. Many many times, I would be negatively affected by other men complimenting me when my own husband didn't even seem to know I existed at times.
It was depressing that my husband didn't seem to have that gleam in his eyes. I didn't care if other men noticed I was alive. They weren't the ones I wanted to grow old with.
You are enough. If you recognized that you could compliment more, well, do so, and find you a woman that prefers her husband compliment her rather than strangers.
Nobody has a perfect marriage, and we can all benefit in working on ourselves, but none of us deserved to be cheated on and to be treated so disrespectfully.
Please don't let your XW's stupidity bring your sense of self worth down. Like I said, she was a complete idiot.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 16

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