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User Topic: How on earth could the A save this marriage?
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure the problem is the way you choose to view or filter life. Those rose colored glasses serve a purpose. I saw a good marriage. We talked daily, spent so much time together, and still he had an A. I could not fathom WHERE he could even find the time. If he wasn't at work, he was with me, or home.

I expected that we would sometimes argue, I expected that children would take away some of our couple time for a temporary period....I did not expect perfection. I expected normal ups and downs, disagreements and compromise, mixed with fun and happiness. I saw this as good, normal and healthy. That is a good marriage.

If my WS had bothered to take a look through my glasses, perhaps he would not have been so "unhappy" in the first place and in need of fulfillment. I was in fact fulfilled from my own thoughts of gratefulness, I made a choice to enter into M with him and I accepted the imperfections that go along with it. What I did not expect was disloyalty.

I have happily put my filter back in place, and am grateful to see the world as a friendly, generally safe place again. I have slightly adjusted my filter to accept this new reality and am aware that I may be let down, but enter into this with the full knowledge that this is a choice. MY choice.

I don't want to see a dark unhappy world, where I can never be satisfied or fulfilled. Isn't that part of what makes a WS broken? A void that can never be filled, a sense of happiness that is only fleeting? That's the lens my FWH chose to view the world through...though he didn't share this with me. Were it not for my hopeful nature, I do not believe I would have let him have a shot at R.

I'm not so sure that you that need to remove your glasses, as much as you may need to accept that he might able to change and live in a way that makes him a much better M partner.

It might just be those rose colored glasses that afford him an opportunity to show you.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your perspective refuz, really gives me something to think on/aspire to.

This resonates with me so much:

If my WS had bothered to take a look through my glasses, perhaps he would not have been so "unhappy" in the first place and in need of fulfillment. I was in fact fulfilled from my own thoughts of gratefulness, I made a choice to enter into M with him and I accepted the imperfections that go along with it. What I did not expect was disloyalty.

Back in 2008 we had some major financial problems and the world seemed to be crashing down, I made a conscious decision to not let it get to me, to be thankful every day for what I had. I literally would force myself to say 10 things a day that I was grateful for. It changed me, it brought on a peace in my life I can't explain. Didn't happen over night, but it worked and for years I was in a great place. Maybe it's not rose colored glasses but just the choice to see how truly lucky I was. He didn't see it like I did.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:33 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is russian so he would tell me how luck we are that we found each other. That not everyone finds their soulmate.. I traveled there as an exchange student during my master and that's how we met. After we both graduating I went back there to get married..We had a difficult time just getting married. Maybe that should have been a sign. Anyway people used to say how great we were as a couple. And we had close friend divorce due to infidelity. He said he couldn't believe how they could do that.. He would never destroy us like that.. That a fling would never be worth it.
Ugh really fast forward here we are 2 yrs from A season and I can't ever thing this marriage will be better. Yes we had grown apart the last years but really. He isn't the man I thought he was. So how do you start a new marriage if you don't know who they are..
Sorry I didn't help just saying I hear ya..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland, actually, to feel understood IS a huge help, so you did help


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is very little that upsets me more than when I hear someone say that an A can either save a M or make it better.

I just want to scream: If thats true why dont I go out and have a LTA and make the M even better!

Saying stuff like this is akin to saying that drinking poison makes you healthier.

I had best shut it about this subject as I am likely to say something offensive.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3319 | Registered: Sep 2007
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An A will not save a marriage, it will only destroy it, no question. In some cases it is possible to rebuild, but it would have been better for the M if a WS fixed themselves before they went wayward. An ounce of prevention, pound of cure kind of thing.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, A's destroy marriages. But they are also a wake-up call. Maybe the problem was with your M or with your WS--maybe some of both. Each case is unique. But, the A is your clear message to do something different. This is why rug-sweeping an A does not work. You have to face it head on and either D or put in the hard work to re-build the M. It is definitely the hard work that saves the M, not the A. The A is merely the catalyst to change.

BTW, there are a lot of better ways to bring change to a M. Too bad our WS didn't choose one of them.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should send the AP a thank you note?

I remember a thread I had started when I thought I needed to send a thank-you note to the AP for saving my marriage. And, I was really pissed off about that.

The wonderful members here helped me get the correct perspective.

We didn't have the most wonderful marriage. It wasn't awful and we had some really wonderful times. But, we had started leading parallel lives. We had lost our intimacy. However, I didn't feel it was so bad that he would stab me in the back. I wouldn't do that to him.

Oftentimes, when a WS is exposed they hit rock bottom and have an epiphany. They are finally able to realize that maybe they have some issues that need to be worked on. If they had been emotionally mature human beings they would have done this without the destructive behaviour. If the affairs could save marriages so can alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling and domestic violence.

If thats true why dont I go out and have a LTA and make the M even better!
True, Razor. I am surprised that MC's don't recommend this for improving marriages.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard that also and honestly wonder how people can say that. A long time ago before this happened my WH said that sometimes when a spouse cheats, it makes the marriage better and I said WTF?

Now our marriage has been suffering for years. There have been times that I wanted to hang up my hat. Many times. He was unresponsive, distant and seemingly cold at times. He has become a better husband as a result of our marriage almost ending and so have I.

But, I honestly believe the same result would have occurred if one or the other of us would have said, "hey, I am not happy, let's both work to better our marriage." Then if we both took the comment seriously and worked on us he would still be a better person and I a better wife.

What the A did was made me lose self-respect and the courage that I once had. It caused me to respect my husband less. It put this constant doubt in my head. So the A did not save my marriage. It helped my husband some I think but, it made my marriage weaker.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read through the first page of responses. My H says he feels we are better than ever.

To be specific we talked about this. It's not that being betrayed,lied to, screwing MOW,humiliated and being verbally abused will lead you to a better marriage! It's what we chose to do after the A that's made this a better marriage. We had a really good marriage. We talked a lot, shared great times together. But the honest truth gets exposed after an A.
He now has opened up about stuff I NEVER in a million years would have guessed! He expressed every single thing about him that he kept to himself. I see him for the real person he is. I can't explain it accurately in words. He is an open book now. I just wish I had the words. Our daughter recently has mentioned that her dad is a way better dad and husband.
He said it best " I wish I could take back what I did, but I love who we are now more than ever" him having the A didnt make him love me more. Him having the A took him to the lowest place on earth, he put himself there.
This is what he appreciates so much today. And nothing is taken for granted.

I hate the A with my heart!! Everything about our relationship is in fact better but we will never remove the stain...that is a permanent reminder


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I joined, there was a long thread called something like, 'The A didn't make your M better - you did!'.

I think that's the truth.

In our case, I don't think my side of the M is better, but my W's side is way better than it was, because of the IC work she's doing. I think the increase in her pleasure is way more than the loss of mine, so as a couple we're better off than we were. It's unfair to me, but I'm OK with it.

I think the people who say 'the A saved my M' are trying to sell something, if only to themselves.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9724 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me. WW LTA killed my love, respect, and trust for her.

Actually in truth I cant really say the LTA alone did that. Certainly her LTA -AND- her lack of real remorse and empathy. blame shifting. and refusing to give details of her affair. Together did that. Since this is my only experience of being a BH I can only give my views based on that experience and so the LTA and her response after Dday are sort of merged in my mind.

So considering that how can a M be better?

[This message edited by Razor at 4:31 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3319 | Registered: Sep 2007
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next time a former WS claims his/her affair “saved” the marriage then suggest he/she waits at home while you go out to screw some more saving into your relationship.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
littlemrsV0813
♀ New Member
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:50 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
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