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User Topic: Children dealing with parents' infidelity?
1Bite2Shy
♀ Member
Member # 36430
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly a year after my own DDay, my father sat my mother down and told her that although they'd been married nearly 30 years, he was no longer in love with her. That there was another woman, and there had been another woman on and off for the last 14 years.

I guess I'm just looking around to see if there's enough interest to start an I Can Relate thread. I'd really like to get other peoples' responses on this, and a gut-check for my own responses to my father.

So far, I've cut him off. This is apparently abhorrent to my siblings (there are five of us) and I'm getting a lot of flack from them for being so black and white about this. Apparently, I'm supposed to be on to the forgiving and forgetting part, even though my father has shown no remorse, and not followed any of the requests I made of him (such as counseling and no more favoritism). I'm having a hard time separating my behavior with my husband with the behavior I expect from my father, and I'd love some BTDT input, or even some I feel ya moments.


D Day : July 30 2012
Trying to R.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: US
Area2
♀ Member
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't been there but my heart goes out to you.


Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never found infidelity, but my mother abandoned my father after 30 years of marriage.

I am still working on it many years later.

Some of it is still coming to light for me and as I process memories and thoughts about it, makes me feel differently about her. I do know that she is a narcissistic person and nothing my father could have done would have kept her there. She never talked to him about the problems, she just bailed, as my x did as well.

It's my gut reaction that you should be entitled to your own opinions and your own process of dealing with this information.

For us kids it was terrible and I never really talked it over with either of them, which may have helped.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2290 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't relate to this but I can say that I agree with you 100%. I too would have cut him off!

I can't even stand to look at my cousin's less than remorseful WH...actually I don't, I turn give him the evil eye and turn away.

My heart goes out to your Mom...Hugs to her and to you.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I (thank God) can not relate - but I ache for you.

I think the worst thing about an A is denying the BS the right to make a decision about the M, about their lives, based on the truth. The WS takes what they want of the M (steals it through deceit) and then blows everything up and walks away. I so feel for your mom! ((1Bite2Shy)) This would totally change the way I'd have viewed my Dad.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine cheated on each other and divorced when I was a teenager. It's something you deal with in one way or another for the rest of your life. In my case, I've chosen to swallow the shit sandwich and put up with what they've done (including both marrying their OPs) in order to have a relationship with both of them.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a thread in I Can Relate on this. It's usually on page 3-4.

My mom cheated on my dad from when I was 11 until they divorced when I was 19. Her PA with MOM lasted over 30 years.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
childofcheater
♀ Member
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry! As you can tell from my username I totally relate to this. I first joined after finding out about my father's continued infidelity. Then I ran smack dab into my own with my Wh. Take it from someone who's relationship with my father is complicated, do what is best for you. Don't let anyone guilt you into rug sweeping. I regret so much letting everyone else talk me out of my feelings. I still struggle with it daily. (((1 bite))) hang in there and I'm so sorry for your mother. I just don't understand still how people can live with themselves.


Me: 37 yo, him 36
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD10, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 301 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have MAJOR residual hang ups resulting from my father's primary infidelity followed by my mother's revenge infidelity.

Like, for example, they got a divorce and my dad went and got himself a new family.

New wife. New daughter. New dogs.

Twenty years later, and he's grand-parented his new daughter's 2 kids, but hardly knows my 3 or my brother's 3.

We've been kicked to the curb.

Oh, yah.

I. CAN. RELATE!


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My father divorced my mother after more than 37 years to be with his LTA OW. Mom estimates it lasted no less than 15 years. I thought it was going to kill her. OW is a low class yuck. I have a very minimal relationship with my dad, but have not completely cut him off. More the opposite really. I look a lot like my mother, and OW hated me from the start and my dad let her drive a wedge. Whatever. I moved far away and learned to let go many years ago.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
deepbluesky
♀ New Member
Member # 38671
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My father cheated on my mother when I was 8 or 9 and he left her for the other woman. He married her and they had a daughter, who is every bit a sister to me as my brother is.

My mother is not the greatest mother in the world (quite the opposite) and she always tried to drive a wedge between me and my dad. I have a lot of his personality traits so mom & I didn't get along much and I am far from her favourite child...sad but true. I am lucky that I still have a great relationship with my dad as well as my step-mother and 1/2 sister. I guess I didn't realize all those years ago that my dad cheated on my mom so it never affected things much. Later when I got older, I did the math and figured things out for myself.

Living with the type of mother that I did, with all the mental and physical abuse I endured, I am just glad that my dad found happiness and has now been married to my step-mother for close to 30 years. I'm glad he didn't have to go through the shit my brother and I did.


BS - 44
WH - 46
Married 13 years together 16 years
D-Day 23/01/13
Working on it...

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I my parents fought quite a bit and apparently my dad cheated on my mom when I was young. It turned out after my mom had me.. My father was previously marriage.. I only met some of my half brothers and sister a couple of times and they really resented us..So fast forward 8 Yrs ago found out after my dad passed away that my mom was the OW. My dad hadn't been legally separated.. This was back in a Catholic country divorce wasn't allowed yet. But I wondered why my mom kept asking me if she was ok with this church document I got (I was the estate executrix) explain how she(my mom) broke up their marriage...when I found out about my H affair my relationship changed with my mother.. Here this person that kept telling me how I should behave... And how she became friends with the woman who cheated with my dad. I could never get that.. I guess because she was like her too. Anyway I am angry that my mom could have such morals I have slowly detached from her. I have not told her about husbands affair but I think she found out snopped around my house. She has the key so she would come by to see granddaughter. But DD is driving now so she doesn't come by as often. I know it's bad I shouldn't hold a grudge but I can't help it. My h is not who I thought he was and neither is my mom.. She is a person that was capable of being the ow. Now I understand why she wouldn't let the priest marry them. She knew what she had done was wrong but she always said it was a different reason.
Anyway. Sorry you find yourself in this place. Good luck.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 38736
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not dealing with infidelity in my parent's marriage, but my sister's. My BIL cheated on my sister with a fellow teacher. And honestly, I don't see him as remorseful at all. He actually makes my skin crawl! Despite my sister trying to hang onto whatever M they have left, which from what I have seen is none, I want nothing to do with him. My beautiful sister is starving herself to death in denial of his infidelity. She is 5'7" and now a size 2 literally hangs off of her. She was never overweight to begin with, just naturally curvy. Now she's almost skin and bones. She refuses to or can't seem to understand that this has nothing to do with how she may or may not look. She was/still is beautiful enough to be a model and he still cheated on her. Because he's broken! Just looking at her makes me want to murder his cheating ass!

Anyway, I would be beyond devastated to learn one if my parents had cheated on the other. Probably more so than the infidelity in my own M. The thought of what my own children have had to deal with in their young lives makes me sick.

3boys

[This message edited by 3boys at 6:50 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


BW-47
FWH-54
M-28yrs
DS-24,DS-20,DS-14,DGS-10mon,DGS-5mon.
MOW-holier-than-thou Christian whore
2 yr EA, 2-3 mon PA
Dday-10/10/2009
R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
1Bite2Shy
♀ Member
Member # 36430
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your stories everyone.

Purplejack - I looked in I can Relate, but didn't see anything. I'll try again. Thanks!

It's made more (or less depending on how you look at it...) difficult with the fact that my father has always blatantly showed favoritism toward my younger sister. I am the oldest and she was always the golden child, while I was always the scapegoat. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I've put up with it because my parents had what appeared to be an amazingly happy marriage (high school sweethearts who still cuddled and held hands and did all the cutesy stuff after 20+ years of marriage) and I thought my mother wasn't the instigator.
Turns out, my dad IS the jerk, but my mom is the ultimate rugsweeper.

h0peless - I think I'm beyond putting up with their antics. I've put up with my father-in-law's antics for far too long and finally got to the point of cutting him out. If I'm not going to take his bs, I'm certainly not going to take it from my own father. I can totally see why you would though. As it stands right now, my children will never have a relationship with either of their grandfathers and that breaks my heart.

childofcheater - Thank you. My father is currently living with the OW who moved here from some state in the midwest leaving her two children behind with a stepfather. I don't get either of them. They were both willing to give up their OWN CHILDREN for each other. Who does that?! What kind of mother walks away from her babies for a married man? And what kind of man expects a woman to do that? Ugh.

kickboxer - My sister's son, and my other sister's daughter have a relationship with my father. Right after my father moved out, my son had his first birthday. My father didn't even bother to send a "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook. But by darnit, he showed up to my nephew's second birthday party a month later with his arms full of gifts, OW in tow. Well, so I'm told. I left when I heard he was coming over. Children's birthday parties are not good places for fistfights.

TripleTrouble - I hope I can eventually let go. I know my father has no interest in me, as I'm the "difficult" child anyway. It still hurts.

deepbluesky - I have a hard time with your story. It sounds like you definitely got the short end of the stick on parental units. I'm sorry.

Holy cow Dreamland. I am so sorry. That had to be a huge revelation for you.

3boys - I am grateful that my boys are much too young to understand much of what is going on. They're too young to remember when my oldest used to follow "Ponpa" around the house and watch him so very closely. He hasn't mentioned him in at least 6 months, and it makes me so sad to know they'll never have an awesome grandfather when I was fortunate enough to have two, as did my husband.


D Day : July 30 2012
Trying to R.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: US
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad cheated on my mother and I was the one who caught him at a pay phone (oh how harder it was to cheat before cell phones). I confronted, he lied but mom heard our talk from another room and they D soon after

I hate to say it but the impact of my father's A did not hit me until WW's A. Wish he was still alive so I could express my disappointment with him. We are trying to R so my mom does not know. But oh how I wish I could ask her how she managed to keep it together for my and her other 3 kids from another M.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad was a cheater. I grew up believing all men cheat. I thought I would divorce WHEN it happened to me. I did divorce once. (2 weeks)Not sure of this second marriage. (30 yrs) Since, its my last, I am in no hurry. I do however, actually feel panic, to think how this will effect my grown children in their lives. It stinks. They really do live what they see, not what they hear. But I keep teaching, hoping. I can see they would each be the BS.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Topic Posts: 16

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