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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Yes, another sex topic
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I told WH this week to turn off the lights when we have sex because seeing him in bed is a huge trigger. I see him and then I see them together. I was honest and told him that to really enjoy myself I often have to imagine him as someone else so I don't get those mind movies.

He totally freaked about me not focusing on him in bed and fantasizing about another man. Because he loves me and only me and wants to only make love to me and how could I be so callous to be having sex with him while thinking of someone else.

Seriously! Does he not have any memory of the 3 years he spent screwing around on me. But I guess that is ok because he thought of her while f-ing her and me while he was f-ing me.



Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was honest and told him that to really enjoy myself I often have to imagine him as someone else

Eek. I'm not sure this is the best step towards reconciliation.

I know that in the beginning this line of thinking might make more sense, but contributing to his insecurity or perceived victimhood is definitely not going to help things.

If you are committing to try and work things out with him, I don't think that thinking about having sex with other men is a good idea. It's one thing to have a fantasy tip thought flit through your brain, it's another to sub him out while being physically intimate. Some might even see this as an emotional betrayal. FWH admitted to doing this once with me during his A, and it was devastating.

I get how much it hurts, and how it might seem hypocritical of him to not understand this, but the bigger picture is that you're hurting him instead of trying to heal here.

I hope this makes sense.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16442 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Esseboria
♀ New Member
Member # 38937
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They get so selfish and irrational it makes me sick. After Dday I planned a trip to Vegas and a trip to New York to visit some friends and clear my head. My wayward was so pissed and tried to keep me from going. He accused me of only going to Vegas to try to hook up with another man and "get back at him". He accused me of going to New York to meet up with my college boyfriend ( who also lives there) to have sex with him. I had to actually tell him that only one of us had a track record of seeking sex outside of the relationship to solve our issues and it certainly wasn't me. That shut him up. The nerve

Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2013
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure I'd agree that fantasizing during sex is an emotional betrayal. He knows that at this point in our recovery from his affair, sex is sex. It is not making love. Far more work needs to be done by him in our relationship before we are at the point where I can be that intimate with him. Yet sex is important and if I need to fantasize to enjoy the experience, he needs to understand that. I'm not fantasizing about a particular person, just not the him that was making love to my Bff behind my back.

He is a lot more understanding of my mind movies now.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how could I be so callous to be having sex with him while thinking of someone else.

Thinking of someone else?????

How about actually DOING someone else.

Sheesh!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always felt strongly that my WH believed (sometimes I think he still believes...) that the rules that others are meant to live by don't apply to him. This type of thing plays right into that scenario. It's hugely unfair for you to think of someone else when having sex with him (that goes against the rules!) but he was fine with cheating while he was doing it (rules don't apply to him)


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 911 | Registered: Oct 2012
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In order to enjoy sex right now I also have to envision it being with someone else. I just haven't said it out loud until now. It makes me wonder if I should continue trying to R or call it quits......


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2013
steadfasttrue
♂ New Member
Member # 41328
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to stay in the present and tell myself at least it's me now and not him or someone else. Cause if I were to bail out I am sure my spot would be filled rather quickly. Tho it's only been 5 months she still is not concerned if she makes it or not. Usually not. Confusing to me.


Tie a knot and hang on!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thinking that he is special and the rules apply to others, but not him, is a narcissistic trait.

Does he have any others?


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was honest and told him that to really enjoy myself I often have to imagine him as someone else so I don't get those mind movies.

I understand the need to try to find ways to make ourselves feel wanted and to try to deal with the mind movies. I did the same thing a few times that my fWH and I had sex. I felt that I had the right to think about whatever I wanted given his betrayal. It is not necessarily the healthiest way to deal with the sexual betrayal, but it can give some comfort. It is both getting back at our wayward and being reminded of feeling wanted again.

IMO it does not mean anything about your commitment to reconciliation, but you may want to talk with your IC about it.

It is so early in your recovery that you will go thru many healthy and unhealthy ways of handling the A.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 10

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