No. I feel like I have forgiven him. I know I have actually. But to me hurt is separated from forgiveness. Just because you forgive you don't stop hurting. And I feel that resentment is separate from forgiveness too.
The things associated with the affair I have accepted at this point but still feel pain.
There is so much other stuff thought that is just marriage stuff that I am just so mad about still years later. And I feel all these small things or big things were just steps that led up to an A since it was an established pattern of not caring about my thoughts, feelings, not validating my personhood etc.
an example is the fact that my H insisted on all the kids names and I kept telling him how much I didn't like those names. In most cases I just compromised in the end. But I think back--why couldn't he have just been giving and ever give me what I wanted? In one case of our son he picked the name and I told him I HATE that first and middle name and he told me point blank--"too bad. I don't care what you think. That's his name." So, in order to not just destroy the marriage over "small" things I just ended up giving in. Why did I have to be the person to just give in all the time? fastforward to now my son likes his name and his the only one in his school that has an unusual name and it fits him--but its just the fact that then, he didn't care at all about my thoughts and feelings.
See, these are "minor" things but they all speak volumes to me and its like stepping stones that led up to a giant disregard of me.
That is what I mean by resentment from past things.
I have no longer just let things go anymore since the A. If there is something small that I disagree with I throw a major tantrum over stupid stuff...but I feel like I have to do this to protect myself. I hate throwing fits though and feel embarrassed. Like last week on Halloween, I had the day planned out and we both agreed. At the last hour H changed the plans(we were with other couples and they all got together and changed the plan on my plans) so I completely freaked out and starting crying and was so flipping mad at my H for not sticking to the plan we had formulated. Its completely stupid I realized and all the kids and families had a great time trick or treating anyway--but I was so mad and resentful. I am mad at myself for acting like a brat. But at the same time I know its about self protection and about so much more internally than what it appears to be.
When we got home that night I explained to H that I was really just resentful at the fact that an A happened and I was disregarded.
Sorry so long--I just had to get this out.