[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 2:07 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]
I can honestly tell you that being a "giver" versus a "taker" has absolutely no bearing upon the actions that our spouses make. They are going to do what they are going to do.
One thing I have always struggled with is the concept of forgiveness. Have you read "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring? Great book. This one really helped me with not only forgiveness, but acceptance as well.
How are your husband's actions in the here and now? Is he being loyal and loving to you?
Far beyond, even the darkest clouds;
The sun is always shining ... ♥
No matter how difficult things are right now. Have Faith.
Stay strong. Believe in yourself.
Beautiful Miracles are coming your way ...
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
I have forgiven H. Really, I have
Maybe you really have not forgiven him:
Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution
AND THAT's OKAY.
Don't stress over forgiveness.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
As far as forgiveness, I used to think I would never feel it for WH, but I can honestly say I am closer to it every day. The forgiveness because I believe he really does want to become a better person.
"When someone hurts you, they take power over you. If you don't forgive them, they keep the power."
Seems to me they have the power either way..,. They get either a forgiving person or a person they have power to make miserable...
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
The A is just one example of him being selfish. When you add all of it up, including the A, you can often times begin to see a pattern that you maybe never noticed before- about who is giving, and who is taking. About him being selfish.
I feel TONS of resentment towards H because of the fallout. I feel like he said sorry and decided he wasn't going to do it again...and then left me to deal with the pain and hurt all by myself. I have (many times actually) compared it to him making a mess of the house. Absolutely trashing our living room. He says sorry, he helps clean up some of the mess...but then decides that he is done, and I am left with a messy room to tackle on my own. It's frustrating and hurtful.
We've gotten to the point now where we don't really talk about it- he feels as though he has done all he can do and that it was a transgression that he made before we got married, so if I am not over it, it is my problem now and he won't hear anything about it. I disagree tremendously with his attitude, but he isn't going to change and I would rather just save myself the fight.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
But I've noticed they've been coming back again. The resentment, the anger, the hopelessness. I still believe that I have forgiven him for the A, but I feel like we've reached a plateau and that scares me. I find that he's not pushing forward anymore, not trying so hard anymore to mend things. I can't be the one demanding continued growth and openness - he needs to be present and active in our recovery without my nagging him to do it.
So forgiveness - it's powerful and healing and everything they say, but it's just the first step in R.