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User Topic: Moral responsibility to OW because he screwed her?!
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk.

Cheating husband ~ High moral values

Really???


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember sitting with JM in our MC office as he tried to explain how he felt responsible for Whoreible because he had let her believe they had a future and now she was devastated. He said he kept trying to find a way out that wouldn't hurt anybody.

Our MC threw his hands up in the air and said, "Buddy! That ship has sailed. You already hurt everybody a LONG time ago. And may I remind you that you are only married to one of these women? That's the only person here whose feelings you should be concerned about one iota!"


I love our MC.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2779 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Buddy! That ship has sailed. You already hurt everybody a LONG time ago. And may I remind you that you are only married to one of these women? That's the only person here whose feelings you should be concerned about one iota!"

That's great! That MC sounds like a keeper.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a knucklehead!

He's in the fog, is the charitable way to put it.

My H didn't want to be a "bad friend" to the MCOW -- they had been very good friends before the A. But you're ok being a bad husband? He didn't have a good answer for that...

Naive wife, he can be responsible to the whore he betrayed you with, or he can be responsible to you. Ask him which one he thinks is more important. Because he can't do both.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

naivewife,

Your H is full of crap. If he honestly believes what he is saying, you need to hit him over the head with a heavy blunt object.

When he comes to, he will still be full of shit, but he will have a big bump on his head to remind him not to talk stupid.


[This message edited by LeopoldB at 12:04 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard. Thank you everyone. I'll admit I hated reading many of your responses, but I appreciate them. It seems like every time I feel like we're getting somewhere he throws out some utter crap like that and sets us way back again. I will be talking about this in MC this week. He says he knows how completely insane it is, but yeah, I don't know. I mean, he's been doing so much right, but how do I move forward with that dumb ass statement? I feel totally crushed. Someone mentioned having her on a pedestal that should belong only to me. That's exactly how I feel. Like I now have to share this place in his heart with this horrendous whore just because she spread her legs for my husband.
And 18 years of marriage and two beautiful children might not stand the test if she happens to call him someday weeping because something in her life is not unicorns and rainbows.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Patchy
♀ Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH may still be in the "fog", still feeling an attachment to her. Have you determined what kind of an affair this was? Strictly sexual or was he emotionally attached to her? My WH had a deep emotional affair. He was completely addicted to her and lost all sense of reality. He justified his feelings and excuses for potentially leaving his family for her. Looking back he sees the insanity, but when he was in it, even though I actually brought up the word "addiction", having had a friend describe it to me that way, he didn't see it. Not until the fog finally lifted upon being found out 5 months after they had supposedly ended it the first time.

I would be super cautious for a good while, checking up on him. Doesn't sound like he can be trusted yet. I thought mine could. He put on a good show. Now I can see the difference in behavior from then and now. As long as he insists on staying in any sort of contact with her, don't trust him. Even if he agrees to NC, I wouldn't trust him for a good while.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH#2 tried this also with the OW. It lead right back into them continuing the A for another year, until she outed him again. He was scared of what she might do to herself and since he lead her on he felt bad about it, as well he should feel bad.

When she broke NC he tried to call her two weeks later to tell her to leave us alone or so he says. I told him that he can choose to make me feel bad or to make her feel bad. If he choose again to make me feel bad for what he did then we would D and he could make her happy. As far as I know he hasn't broken NC since.

You need to lay down the law so to speak. He can no longer be the KISA. Yes, they hurt alot of people through their actions, that is why it is not a moral decision to make. It does not show morals to try and make the OW feel better, he can't unless he leaves you for her. He has to decide who he wants to hurt now. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't about his "morals". It's about the fact that he still has feelings for her and he is frantically trying to come up with excuses to keep her in his life.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 2:14 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO told me that he couldn't end it before he was caught because he was a nice guy and didn't want to be mean or rude! Good god!!!! I made it very clear to him that he had no business putting her before me in any any way and that if she did try to break NC that he would indeed be rude if that's what it took to keep her away from us. And I say us because obviously it wasn't just the two of them in this relationship. Just thinking about him trying to gaslight about being such a "nice" guy makes me want to yes, hit him I the head with a blunt object.....


Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 201 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he truly was resourceful and done with ow, he wouldn't have those worries of her well being. Just my opinion of course. He's putting her before his family. She's a big girl and knows when you sleep with a married man, you face the fact, its a risky R and usually ends with AP left in the dust.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH felt this way to MOW but we ended up being in False R.

My WH later admitted to me that he was more concerned about her feelings when she would be upset. It hurts me to know this now but it is how he felt at the time. Now he cannot believe it. It saddens him that he put her feelings above mine.

I think my WH already knew I saw him as a monster and as a bad person for this A and she did not. My WH was going with who made him feel the best and after Dday it definitely was not me.

Now having said all of that. No WS has any moral responsibility to OW. If there is, it is either time to 180 or pull up them bitch laces on them boots.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:43 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What damncutekitty said!


his only concern is that because he feels a responsibility toward her
Tell him since he feels such concern for OW that you will help by relieving him of his obligation to you. Tell him to pack his stuff and go take care of her and you will be going to see a lawyer to end your M to help him out. I personally think your WH is cake eating, if not physically then mentally. He also isn't remorseful either if he is feeding you shit like that. It's still all about him and not about you. You deserve better.

You shouldn't be worried about him leaving he should be worried bout you leaving. Sending you strength.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk.

I have seen this come up from time to time. Another common form of conflict is when a WS refuses to say anything 'bad' about the OP and thus takes on the mantle of 'I am responsible' do not blame her/him.

IMO, it is hard as hell for someone who has lied their way through days, months and years to cold turkey have clear focus on the enormity of betrayal. We talk about the fog and that is part of it.

But so is the inability to let go of pride. To have humility in the face of infidelity and how it ripped your life to shreds.

Rationalization, manufactured pride and twisting of facts to rewrite history are all tools in the belt of the foggy WS.

Post dday you may see a WS try to take some short cuts to change the narrative.

One way is to attempt suicide. You go from perpetrator to victim instantly.

Another way is to salvage integrity in whatever small manipulations you can manage.

-I only had an EA or ONS etc... I am not one of 'those' cheaters.

But there are also those that birth these sort of mythical and illogical senarios such as what has been done here.

-I have an obligation to my side piece because we were physical.

It would be soooo much more truthful to say-- in order to continue to see myself a certain way, in this case - as 'a moral man'--I have completely twisted rational thought.

Self delusion is nothing new. I don't know what his motivations are. But I tend to think that anyone who is this desperate to continue to tag his actions as 'moral' in this context needs to work on his humility.. real soon.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:41 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

redrock YOU rock!!! I love your response


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC, I love your MC too!

Even ONS's can bring on the "fog" - it's probably some twisted attempt to make the infidelity have a kernel of acceptance.

But your H can't throw down the moral card (at the wrong time after not using morals when he should have) whenever it suits him. It sounds like some off-base excuse to me.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the most ludicrous excuse I have ever heard.

I slept with a number of men before meeting H. If I had a "moral responsibility" to keep in touch with all of them...I would have to keep in touch with 38 different men! Screw that. You don't owe former sex partners s*it. The only former sex partner I even speak to is my daughter's dad- and that is about parenting ONLY.

I wonder, where his high morals were and his KISA tendancy were when he decided to cheat on his wife? Where are his morals and KISA tendancy when you ask him not to speak to the skank he slept with while the two of you were married? Hmmmmm

It sounds like your H isn't ready for NC yet. I would do a complete 180, and speak to a lawyer as well about your options. There is no way I would even begin to put up with this ridiculousness. Your H is still very much in the fog and he is giving you excuses so he can stay in there.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
MsRukia
♀ Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah my WH had the KISA complex. So much so that he tried to stay friends so he could be there for her
Well he should have been there for me and our family. Anyways his biggest thing is that he set a bad Christian example
So he wanted to write an apology letter . I said nothing doing, because she wouldn't care.
He has demonstrated that he's out of the fog, but boy was it and continues to be a painful process.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am responsible' do not blame her/him.

Exactly redrock...I got this one said to me. Basically he was defending her and that just pissed me off more. I would also put that in the category like you said.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:18 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 44
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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