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User Topic: Moral responsibility to OW because he screwed her?!
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one dealing with this? I was WH's one and only before he started screwing OW. When we talk about the risk of him allowing her to break NC, he says that he's never had a former sex partner "out there" and his only concern is that because he feels a responsibility toward her, this is the only thing that scares him about NC. He says that otherwise the thought of ever speaking to her sickens him, but he's afraid his KISA tendency would kick in. So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk. How do I deal with this? It's so sickening and baffling that his morals might place the well being of this nasty woman who tried to destroy his family over his own family. Is there another human being out there that thinks like that? Screwing someone means a lifelong responsibility towards them, even greater than the responsibility towards your wife and children?


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is probably one of the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my entire life. I have slept with a number of people in my life, my moral responsibility to them is zilch. He should just focus on the person he is married to, rather than someone he slept with in the past. That is like me saying I have some sort of responsibility to my ex husband because I slept with him. Fuck that!

BTW, did you ask him where were his high moral values were when he decided to cheat, hmm?

Frankly, methinks he is making excuses to justify broken NC in the future. This is one of those "da fuq?" things that someone who cheated may say. Seriously, don't let him bulldoze you with dumbassery.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:19 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has nothing to do with morals but everything to do with the insecurity of your WH. His KISA. His extreme need to be needed.
Is there another human being out there that thinks like that? Screwing someone means a lifelong responsibility towards them, even greater than the responsibility towards your wife and children?
IDK. This is the first time I read about this here at SI.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
mixedintherut
♀ Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, no I don't think so! I don't think he gets it yet! Where was his morals while he was cheating on his wife!?

Edit to add, the only thing screwing someone leads to a life long responsibility is if a child is involved. Even then, some would argue that the responsibility lies to the child.

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 11:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
painandgrief
♀ Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please know you're not alone. My asshole WH had the nerve to be worried about how she would handle the end of their "relationship". Never mind the fact that he has 2 wonderful children and a wife he just about killed with his poor decision making.

The worst for me was after he finally broke it off after 2 weeks of telling me and the MC he wasn't sure what he wanted, if he wanted to stay married, pursue a relationship with this tramp who knew he was married and had kids, or be alone...I then caught him texting her from behind closed doors because he was worried about her.

Are you kidding me? Worried about her? What a bastard and an idiot. Had the nerve to tell me that and he didn't realize how screwed up that was.

They really don't know what the hell they are doing. What sucks is we have to deal with their nonsense and our devastation while their heads are in the sand.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never heard of anything like that before. Never. Ever.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are saying. My husbands EA meant that they had an emotional bond- and I knew he felt responsibility for that. It terrified me. And before I demanded NC as part of our R agreement, he did take a few calls from her and respond to her texts. He felt bad.
She played a little emotional blackmail game when he went NC. I have repeated myself often- anytime I think he may be forgetting- that NC means NC at all and it's a deal breaker.
Here is why-
I told him I know how he gets and he would feel responsible towards her. He wouldn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth a little.
Anyway- I told him that I am his only priority now. I deserve all of his concern and responsibility. He betrayed me by giving away what was mine and I will be damned if she gets any of it now. True remorse means you will do whatever I need to heal. She is not a factor, nor are her feelings.
If he feels bad that he "abandoned" her or "led her on" then that is his guilt to work through. I would not/will not allow him to "smooth" things over with her to ease his own guilty conscience.
He lost his "good guy" card when he had the A. End of story. Not wanting to hurt someone else is not an excuse, reason, whatever. He hurt me. And will not do it again If he wants to stay. By acknowledging her and reaching out to her- he is betraying me all over again. His eyes are open, I am available if he is having a hard time, so there is no excuse for reconnecting with her. None.

Feels bad he may have hurt her? tough sh$!.

Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how he feels bad that she is hurting. Thankfully, he hasn't said that since early early on.

I know this may not answer your question- an I apologize if its a ramble- but I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.
Wishing you peace.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk.

And ^^^this is one of the reasons that the word "crazy-making" came into existence.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH stayed in touch with OW for about a month after Dday--unbeknownst to me. He said it was because she didn't have anybody else and he felt bad for her. Yeah. He had the whole KISA, not wanting to be a bad guy thing going in full force. When I found out, I made him stop contacting her.

When he wouldn't respond to her anymore, she proceeded to go crazy. She eventually had him fired from his job and filed a complaint with his professional licensing agency to have him sanctioned. Luckily, there was no basis to the claim, but it took months of stress and thousands of dollars to clear up.

I still look back on it and wonder why he felt sorry for her for even a minute. She certainly had no fond feelings for him, even though she claimed to love him. She just wanted to control him. Because she saw those KISA tendencies and understood how to manipulate them. She was using him from the very beginning and he was too stupid to see it. Because he is such a nice guy. . . . he thinks everybody else is nice too.

The whole thing is so unbelievable and the many stories that you read here are equally unbelievable, but sadly true. There is a lot of messed up thinking out there. I am sorry that you are having to deal with it, naivewife.

P.S. I love your user name. I felt like a naive wife, too.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Aug 2010
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he feels a responsibility toward her,

That right there is him breaking mental NC. Does he seriously think you should just accept this? I think it's a complete cop out. He needs to work on his boundaries and start breaking the link he still feels towards the OW. Feeling 'responsible' for her is just him keeping his connection alive with her - no matter what he says to justify it. It's a feeling (he says that himself) and what he should be doing is be actively working on erasing any 'feelings' he still has for her - not trying to make excuses for them.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:04 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh stayed in this fog for about a week post dday. It lifted and now he realises what a low life she is. She's not letting go so we have to go down a legal route and this May impact on her badly. We both feel a bit sorry for her kids but mainly because they're screwed anyway having such a witch as a mother. But no his loyalty is to me and she needs to know that. As does your WH. Otherwise he can forget any chance of R


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like a semantic twist of a common theme, IMHO, he is just couching it in words that sound altruistic.

His moral obligation is obviously to set things right in his marriage and create a hedge of protection around his relationship wherein his wife is safe. His moral obligation is to accept the guilt that his actions crushed his wife and work to repair it.

Now. He can man up and prioritize the marriage, or he can continue to be a selfish and seek his own gratification. His statement unfortunately is leaning toward the latter.

It is a no brainer that his involvement in the A did the OW no favors (not that she is innocent), but she is likely more damaged now than before - and will be even more damaged should he contact her ever again. If he intends to save his M - any contact with her is just dragging out her pain. But you see - KISA tendencies aren't really about rescuing the damsel - they are about "seeing" yourself as a hero - purely SELFISH.

Regardless of the words used - what his statement tells you is that he has not slammed that door shut, let alone locked it and thrown away the key. He has not prioritized the M, or your feelings, above and beyond all others and thus the M is not (yet) a safe place for you. And in his head, he is still justifying the A, and seeing her as an innocent party and likely as a plan B.

That's my read on this. ((naivewife)) I hope he "gets it" soon.

[This message edited by Take2 at 12:09 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most people have former sex partners out there. You know what is owed to them? NOTHING

Does OW owe your H something too? Are we all indebted to everyone we had sex with for the rest of our lives? NO, NO, NO

Your H has his head in a tight spot, and I don't mean the back of a volkswagon. He needs to wake up and realize that his obligations are to YOU. You and your children. His family is all that should matter. That is who he needs to worry about.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, my WH said he felt responsibility toward OW#1, and I have the ddays and false R to prove it.

It was just his way of telling me that he was still in love with her. And a way for him to justify to himself his continued contact with her, even though he had sworn to me that he would be monogamous.

In retrospect, it should have been a red flag that he was cake-eating. He wanted us both, and wasn't man enough to be honest about it with either of us. So he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he felt responsible towards her.

He used crazy making as a way to manipulate me and her. Despite his words to the contrary, he didn't love either of us, as he isn't capable of mature love.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the blue fuck?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different take to add here. I am the BS, I tried to keep as much dignity as possible during my break up because I was under the impression that I was his 'first' (both sex and LTGF wise).

When I left X I tried to keep it dignified, communication open (even though it was all blame shift and gas lighting). I was meticulous at being fair during our break up. I didn't want to be a bad memory (associated with me believing I was his first sexual partner). I made life easy for him due to this sense of obligation. The only thing he had to purchase after our split was cutlery and plates. He kept everything else. It cost me at least $5K to refit out a home for myself. It was important to me then that I end the 'relationship' with good memories.


Fast forward to me realising that he has lied to me the entire relationship, I no longer believe I was his 'first'. He used this as a means of control. I regret everyday not going nuclear on him as he deserved. The only thing that held me back was a misplaced sense of obligation. That misplaced obligation has cost me a lot in both $ and sanity.

Long story short I understand feeling responsible for someone but that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like he is still connected to her or he wouldn't feel that way and certainly wouldn't say that. Either they are still in contact, he's still pining for her, he is going through the breakup blues or he has no remorse. None of which bodes well for your marriage. My H immediately erased the OW from his brain the minute of discovery. No contact, no defending her, no talking about her and A in any positive light--nothing. Now he ain't no angel as he had the A, but if he had said what your H is saying, I would have walked.

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2012
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh...sounds like he is making excuses and that he hasn't put you and your needs, and your need to heal (which is THE most important thing) at the forefront. If he had any "morals" at all he would realize that he has no "obligations" to OW, especially if he wishes to reconcile.... I have had other sexual partners, and I do not feel a "moral" need to them. They are not who my loyalty lies with. This is just bull. Read "Not just friends" with your WH. It may just shed some light on things for him.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all the posts yet so forgive me if thus has been said already but...gently...honey, you are still acting like your screen name if you are buying his load of horseshit.

I realize he is likely very confused but that doesn't mean you have to take it.

Like Dark Inertia said, I've had several partners in my time....and I don't feel like I owe them anything nor them me.
He's weirdly elevating the OW to a sacred platform that is yours alone. I understand what you are meaning by 'his morals' causing this too...generally speaking, he holds his wife in a place of honor..or at least, that was/is his goal (nvm that whole 'cheating' thing there >.<) and now that he's spread his 'sacred act' to someone else, he thinks he owes her a platform of honor.
NO
No, he does not!
All that grand morality should have been focused on you and the VOWS he made to YOU.
he owes ow nothing except crickets.
If he does ANYTHING different, then he is still cheating....unless you are down for a polygamous relationship but somehow, I don't think that's what you signed up for nor want now. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 5:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the thought of ever speaking to her sickens him, but he's afraid his KISA tendency would kick in.

I agree with the others. He's snowing you big time.

(((naivewife))) So sorry.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:27 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5656 | Registered: Aug 2007
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