He said even though he didn't have that much fun and at times didn't even like them that he could always have sex with them because that is a guy thing.
I personally could not have sex and enjoy it with someone I didn't like.
I don't know if he is telling the truth or telling me what I want to hear, that he didn't have much fun.
Thoughts anyone? esp from the guys.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:53 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
I feel your pain and quandry, I really do.
My WS was very similar to yours, had 3 favorite prostitutes that he saw for well over a year.
On the one hand i can "slightly" understand what your H is saying from the point that "it is a guy thing", I think guys can have sex for sex's sake perhaps more than us women (although it varies). My WS also said that his favorites annoyed him at times and did things he didnt like.... but.... he still went back and had sex with them, spent money on them with gifts and hotels etc etc.
Having said that, I do feel he is trying to minimise it to you and is not being totally honest with himself or, YOU. If the sex was that crap, or he wasnt getting SOMETHING out of it - why keep going back for more? why have "favorites"- one dos'nt jump up on the cooker hob repeatedly burning ones arse many many times over if its unfufilling, they don't like it or don't get SOMETHING out of it do they?.
Perhaps this is part of the addiction, and ego stroking he recieved, hookers are also very good at throwing the line out with "pretty comments" that men suck right up and go back for. Also in my case, my WS devloped very strong emotional attachments to his favorites (becoming engaged to one) and actually saw them as companions and trusted friends who had his best interests at heart!!!!!. ummmm....
I do know in my case that my WS had times that, even stuffed to the eyeballs with viagra that he still couldnt get it up. So, like I say I can slightly understand what yopur H is saying but I think he needs to look deeper and pull it all apart more. Did he have emotional attachments?. Did his "favorites" do some particular act that he "had" to keep going back for?. again in my WS case one of his faves had a really small vajay jay, and "pretty eyes", and another, "beautiful skin and great tits" but ehy were just the physical things he liked, he liked their personalitys as well. it might not in your H's case just be a physical thing. Many men visit prostitutes to talk and for someone to listen to their "unhappy lives" as well as the sex act.
The WS I feel "project" and "see what they want to see" in these prostitutes, that, at the time are all unicorn glitter fart stuff. Perhaps there were times for your H (like mine) that they did see things they did not like regarding the girls personalitys, but it was soon quashed by the WS themselves to keep the fantasy/ideal/etc going. One stole and threatened and emotionally blackmailed my WS, and her boyfriend threatened to kill him, but he STILL went back for more and even broke NC with her via a note "leaving the door open for her" after he came home. He was in deep with her.
If I were you id still be very weary that he is hiding things from you, and playing things down so as not to "hurt you". Utter rubbish and would be TT (trickle truth). My WS vey much had the KISA in him and wanted to save his favorites from their pitiful lives, and they sure milked him financially AND emotionally for THAT kind of thinking.
PM me any time if you want to chat further, I can totally relate, and am sending big hugs to you. A year is a long time and he would have built up some sort of familiar relationship with them, in some capacity, I believe. How often did he see his "favorites"?
Of course all my slant, but take what you need and leave the rest.
Mt guess is that he's not telling the whole truth, though. He didn't have to like those women, but there was something about the experience he was enjoying or he would not have kept going back. Nobody pays someone over and over to "not have much fun".
When FWW was talking about her AP she said the sex was not that good, not much fun, an obligation, etc, etc. At times I am sure that was true, but not all the time.
OTOH, more than a year later when we were making progress in recovering and she wanted to stay M, but she was unwilling to engage in sex more than once a month or two, I broached the topic my having an open M for a sexual outlet. She then said that she did not think it was possible for a woman to have sex and not develop feelings for the person she is having sex with.
So, my take away is the truth is shifting sand, I will never know the truth and doubt she really knows it either, and that was then and this is now.
Assume that it was great, confirm he is no longer doing it and that he is working on the issues that made prostitute sex seem like a good idea, and if R is what you want, move forward from here.
The opposite of love is not hate ... It is indifference.
seems I'm on the 15 year plan