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Newest Member: Sadmw (45324)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Control, money, threats
♀ New Member
Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update-spoke with husband today told him I don't feel safe I would like to move but need 5,000. In order to do that . He agreed to give me the money.

Spoke with lawyer he said SS won't start until I sign a lease as it's based on my expenses and income.

Looked st apartment this morning they need proof of income. I'm self employed and mostly get cash. I can't prove I can pay on paper even though I can pay.

My credit is excellent. After divorce I will be getting at least 25,000. How do stay at home moms who have no income move with no proof of income, no divorce settlement, or SS figure to show they are capable of paying rent?

I am grateful to be able to move with my cats and my son into my own place if I can just figure this income proof out. Any ideas?

Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that you have communication with your lawyer..

If you are self employed don't you have to file taxes as such ? Maybe copies of your tax records can be proof..

I would not move out of the marital home without your lawyer protecting you every step of the way..

With that said, I see that you are already moving..

Please, if at all possible, move onto/into a gated property..

If your 18 yr old lives with you make sure he knows that you are against him letting WH into the apt..

DS can visit WH at his place or at a public place...

Be on your guard...

Have an emergency plan in place..

Maybe it would be a good idea to get a burner/second phone (that your WH doesn't know about) ..

Keep it charged and on with its GPS enabled..

This phone should have an app installed to make it trackable by a close and trusted family member of yours..

Always tell somebody close to you your plans for the day/where you are gonna be...

From what I read in your post you are at high risk of coming up missing/ being attacked by WH...

Having that second phone close by may be one tool to enable you to be found sooner rather than later...

Your WH sounds like a loose canon ..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:02 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 21239
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to your lawyer again, I got temporary ss in order to rent an apartment (you have to show proof of income, court document).
Be sure and ask for more than enough, they will reduce it, eventually.

Divorced 10/2013

Posts: 548 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: West Coast
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Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a notarized gift affidavit from Ex before we had court orders. The amount was the total we agreed he would give me as SS and CS combined but since it wasn't court ordered yet it was considered a monthly "gift" and the leasing office took it as proof of income.

And another perk was that it could have become proof of our agreement if he had changed his tune before anything became official.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
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Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting to realize just how screwed I am and how trying to keep the peace within my marriage for so long is now affecting my ability to move on.

Beginning with our first year of marriage when we did our taxes husband said it's better if it looks like you don't make a lot of money because I make so much it will offset what we get back. So I would not deposit my cash accounts.

August 2012 when I realized he was still seeing OW #1 and had another one he was starting to chase I told him go be with her than. Of course that pissed him off and he took away my ability to access any of his money . At this point I was in the rabbit hole making 700 a month and giving him 400 of that a month because as he said I had to pay my way to live here. He makes 100k a year .

I stopped paying him that 400 so he hid money and filed for divorce. I was learning about sex addiction, npd, going to therapy (before he canceled the insurance), and started al-anon meetings .

I did a lot of work last winter on my mental strength and seeing how I got where I am and mourning and realizing who he was and getting out of my denial.

So early spring I started really trying to build my business so I could support myself. Instead of depositing my pay into my business or personal accounts I would drive to chase and pay my credit card bill with the money I made that day.

Or go to the grocery store and buy groceries. Or get gas etc . I have no proof of the money I make because it wasn't deposited anywhere. I thought I was doing good by paying for things myself and putting away what I could.

Evidently I should have been depositing that money than paying the chase bill and so on . I have no proof of my ability to pay rent. I found a place and offered to pay 6 months in advance but was told no because I can't prove I can pay the other 6 months.

Ex is giving me. 5,000 to move. Spousal support is based on your bills so won't start until I sign a lease. My friend who will let me live stay with her is also divorcing her husband and they still live together . They are both alcoholics and I'm afraid to go there because it would be another stressful situation to be in.

At this point I feel as though unless I can pay for a whole years lease up front I will have to start depositing my money into bank for a period of time in order to show I have money coming in and can pay rent .

Called lawyer again yesterday to see if we could split the 401k or something now to get the money to pay for a whole year but didn't hear back from him . I would have to have exes approval and don't think I will get it. He still thinks I'm entitled to nothing and he's being generous by giving me 5,000.

I'm angry at myself for not thinking clearly months ago, angry at him for everything he's done and feel so beaten down like it will never end.

Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
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Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to vent so bad . I'm questioning everything I do every decision I make. Talked to my al- anon sponsor and she says ask God to help you. Explain to landlords your in a transition period . So I have been telling them he has to buy me out of the house , I will get half the 401k and spousal support and they say just because he's supposed to pay spousal doesn't mean he will.

I'm paying for my divorce with a credit card that has a 2500 limit and running ads to get more houses. Most of my money goes to chase so I can continue to pay for my lawyer.

Would it be better to get a job for 8 an hour do I have a pay stub? I make. 25 an hour cleaning if no one cancels . I make 50 on some houses up to 175.

The whole marriage all I heard from ex was how important his job was and how I'm self employed so I can reschedule or cancel to do things do he wouldn't have to . He works in a hospital and he can't miss work to take son to hospital or dr appt.

He told me Monday night just on appearances alone you don't look like you have any means.

I need to dye my hair and get clothes that fit. I have been up and down in my weight for the last 3 years since I found out about OW .

He goes to work with his fonzi hair( like from happy days), drenched in cologne . He truly believes I am entitled to nothing and I have lived off him our whole marriage. Based on the tax returns and paper trails it probably does appear that way. But I believed him when he said we will get more money if you don't claim all your pay. I didn't see any of the tax refund money ever .

Every time I would catch him cheating he would take a 3 week vacation to his sisters by himself in Florida and when he got back I was supposed to be over it. He is evil . In Al-anon we are supposed to separate the sickness from the person. Hate the disease not the person . See your part fix yourself, get rid of your resentments and trust in God.

I'm finding it very difficult to do that right now other than see my part and how I got here and make better decisions for myself . I think I need AD but have no insurance.

I don't like playing the victim and I know I have options . I'm feeling incapable, alone and trapped.

Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
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Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex is giving me. 5,000 to move.

Honey, this man just killed your cat. He is a psychopathic prick, believe NOTHING he says. Unless you have that money cash in hand, don't even count in it. Btw, WTH happened to the other $23,000??? There are probably other accounts as well. He sounds like a sneaky shit. I hope you have a shark of a lawyer!

In the mean time, do you have any young children at home that need childcare? If not, organize your cleans and find yourself a second job. Nights would be ideal, so you can still do your cleans. You might be tired as hell at first, but nothing stops you from quitting once you have a place to live.

Do you have any family who can take your cats? And btw, what was his response to producing a receipt from the vet? I'd try and get myself out of that house ASAP, even if it meant staying with family for a while. Your WH is not playing with a full deck. Good luck.

Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 27
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