I'm starting to realize just how screwed I am and how trying to keep the peace within my marriage for so long is now affecting my ability to move on.
Beginning with our first year of marriage when we did our taxes husband said it's better if it looks like you don't make a lot of money because I make so much it will offset what we get back. So I would not deposit my cash accounts.
August 2012 when I realized he was still seeing OW #1 and had another one he was starting to chase I told him go be with her than. Of course that pissed him off and he took away my ability to access any of his money . At this point I was in the rabbit hole making 700 a month and giving him 400 of that a month because as he said I had to pay my way to live here. He makes 100k a year .
I stopped paying him that 400 so he hid money and filed for divorce. I was learning about sex addiction, npd, going to therapy (before he canceled the insurance), and started al-anon meetings .
I did a lot of work last winter on my mental strength and seeing how I got where I am and mourning and realizing who he was and getting out of my denial.
So early spring I started really trying to build my business so I could support myself. Instead of depositing my pay into my business or personal accounts I would drive to chase and pay my credit card bill with the money I made that day.
Or go to the grocery store and buy groceries. Or get gas etc . I have no proof of the money I make because it wasn't deposited anywhere. I thought I was doing good by paying for things myself and putting away what I could.
Evidently I should have been depositing that money than paying the chase bill and so on . I have no proof of my ability to pay rent. I found a place and offered to pay 6 months in advance but was told no because I can't prove I can pay the other 6 months.
Ex is giving me. 5,000 to move. Spousal support is based on your bills so won't start until I sign a lease. My friend who will let me live stay with her is also divorcing her husband and they still live together . They are both alcoholics and I'm afraid to go there because it would be another stressful situation to be in.
At this point I feel as though unless I can pay for a whole years lease up front I will have to start depositing my money into bank for a period of time in order to show I have money coming in and can pay rent .
Called lawyer again yesterday to see if we could split the 401k or something now to get the money to pay for a whole year but didn't hear back from him . I would have to have exes approval and don't think I will get it. He still thinks I'm entitled to nothing and he's being generous by giving me 5,000.
I'm angry at myself for not thinking clearly months ago, angry at him for everything he's done and feel so beaten down like it will never end.