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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Control, money, threats
Bringiton
♀ New Member
Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where to begin? We are divorcing but still living together. He took alloney in joint accounts and moved it before he filed.

Last month he tried to get a HELOC to pay off property he bought before marriage. I found out told my lawyer.

We have a court date on the 15th of November to freeze marital accounts. 3 days after receiving notice of the court date he killed one of our cats.

Waited until my son and I left the house for work and when we came home the cat was gone. His story is he took her to some vet in jersey and had her euthanized.

My son and I were devastated. There was no discussion about this happening. I don't believe his story.

I think he went into a rage and killed the cat and then got rid of her. My 3 other cats were freaking out when we got home.

I told my lawyer so he sent a letter asking for the name of the vet and a receipt for the procedure.

That was yesterday. We both know there is no vet and no receipt. He knows I know this and is pissed I'm calling him out on it.

So yesterday I get home from work and he calls sprint and has my phone shut off, says he's going to cancel my car insurance also.

Then he gets right up in my face and says I better stop having my lawyer send him letters or the remainder of my time living here will be miserable.

So my question is this: he opened an account with our sons name on it. It was opened with 30k and is now down to 7k last week.

Can my son withdraw 5k so we can move out? How much trouble will he get in? Not sure if my son will do that. He's afraid of his dad also. My son is 18 btw.

I have 1,000 to my name. I sm a self employed house cleaner, I just put an ad in the paper to get more houses and now have no phone for people to call. I plan on going to sprint today and opening my own account.

The only other option I can think of right now is stay put call the police if he comes at me and possibly get him out of the house with a PO.

Any suggestions would be helpful. I sent a letter to my lawyer last night updating him on the situation but don't expect to hear from him until next week.


Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sheesh -

Listen, I'm sure others will get on here with additional advice, but...

I think you need to make a police report. Like now.

You didn't say, but I'm assuming the cat was ok - that there would have been no reason to euthanize it.

That is some scary behavior - even scarier assuming he did kill it himself. But even if he didn't, even if the story about the vet is true... that is... just wow. It makes me afraid for you and your son.

And he has threatened you. Yes, it sounds like he was careful not to make threats about hurting you (again, I'm assuming), but he is being abusive.

Please talk to someone at a local women's shelter. You should get better advise there.

But the police report is important. You need to establish a pattern of behavior to help with getting a PO.

As far as the money - your lawyer is the one who can answer this for you. Personally, though... if your son would do it, I would say that he should take out the money, open an account at another bank, and put all of the money there. If there is money in any accounts you have access to, you should do the same. Don't spend any yet (other than for normal living expenses). The idea is to stop your STBX from spending/hiding it from you, but you can then show the court that you weren't trying to take it, just protect it until the accounts could be frozen.

But again - make sure your lawyer agrees with that.

And talk to a shelter. You may need to get out, and they can help with that. Try to find somewhere else for the rest of the cats to go for now.

Finally, ask your lawyer about getting an emergency PO and getting him out of the house. I would think what he has done so far might be enough to get it.


Posts: 2394 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not leave your home!!! No matter what ! Call the cops and make reports , I am sorry this sick person is doing this to you but you have to realize just as I had to , that he is gone! Killing animals? My stbxww did the same , as a child and now she is desperately trying to get rid of our family dog (12) . This is a typical sociopath behavior. You need to protect yourself and kids please. He has already verbally threatened you ! Please just call the cops on him , go to family court! My stbxww went to family court with lies and they came the same day and removed me from my house! With no police report or history of domestic violence! Be careful and be smart. I know it is emotional but do your best. Good luck


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Bringiton
♀ New Member
Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at my friends house using her phone to figure things out. I called the local DV place and they said I can get an emergency PFA that will expire Monday.

I'm trying to think long term here. Hard to do right now though. I have an al-anon meeting today at 11 figure I will ask if anyone has rental property available.

I would like him to leave but I can't get the what ifs to stop playing in my head. What if I stay in the home and he shuts everything off? What if they can't make him leave.


Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GET THE EMERGENCY ORDER OF PROTECTION TODAY!!!

Oh Lord, please do this!

This man is dangerous. He has threatened your life and the life of your son, you just are too traumatized to see it. You two are next.

Call any friends & relatives you have in your area and tell them what's going on. You need to be protected. Do exactly what the women at the DV shelter said to do.

This is extremely serious. Get up right now & please protect yourself & your son. Go to the police, file the report, get a protection order.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^^ All of the above! In the meantime-would it help hi to stay in control if someone could stay with you? My XH was similar to your h, but he had an image to keep up(in his mind). Having some one around had him working hard to keep his anger under control, and kept him from escalating.

Keep us posted. I'm adding you to my prayers.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5097 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the people at the DV shelter told you to file an emergency RO, then do it. At that point he loses any options. It's leave or go to jail.

As I'm sure you were advised, you are in a 'dangerous' time period right now. When abusers begin losing control of a situation, they tend to flip their shit. So be overly cautious with yourself and your son.

I have no idea of the technical legalities of it, but I do know that if I were in your situation I would take the $5K out immediately. And tell my L that I did it and why. I would feel that I needed that money to protect myself -- especially if he had already shut off my phone and threatened to cancel my car insurance.

Please be safe and watch your back.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:56 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8007 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed. Get a domestic violence advocate. He must not get away with this kind of emotional abuse.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a dangerous man.

Treat him as such.

Protect your family and yourself by every means available.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please find a way to stay around people. And please keep your phone on.

When I was a kid, my friends had a father who did awful things with animals in front of them. They are traumatized as adults with nightmares and anxiety and other things.

I was a visitor at the house but never had a clue. Please, protect yourself and son from this man...in whatever way you can.

Do the police know about him?

When I told the police here of some things Perv did, it got Perv to back off quite a bit and change his tune a little bit.

I'd be worried about you going to the house alone and wish that someone could stay with you or you could stay with someone...and I'm a cat person and sooo sad for your loss.

I had a family member who had to fight for her dog during a D. It should not be so.

Stay safe.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facts About Animal Abuse & Domestic Violence

In association with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence


Why it Matters:

71% of pet-owning women entering womenís shelters reported that their batterer had injured, maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims; 32% reported their children had hurt or killed animals.

68% of battered women reported violence towards their animals. 87% of these incidents occurred in the presence of the women, and 75% in the presence of the children, to psychologically control and coerce them.

13% of intentional animal abuse cases involve domestic violence.

Between 25% and 40% of battered women are unable to escape abusive situations because they worry about what will happen to their pets or livestock should they leave.

Pets may suffer unexplained injuries, health problems, permanent disabilities at the hands of abusers, or disappear from home.

Abusers kill, harm, or threaten childrenís pets to coerce them into sexual abuse or to force them to remain silent about abuse. Disturbed children kill or harm animals to emulate their parentsí conduct, to prevent the abuser from killing the pet, or to take out their aggressions on another victim.

In one study, 70% of animal abusers also had records for other crimes. Domestic violence victims whose animals were abused saw the animal cruelty as one more violent episode in a long history of indiscriminate violence aimed at them and their vulnerability.

Investigation of animal abuse is often the first point of social services intervention for a family in trouble.

For many battered women, pets are sources of comfort providing strong emotional support: 98% of Americans consider pets to be companions or members of the family.

Animal cruelty problems are people problems. When animals are abused, people are at risk.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Sep 2013
Bringiton
♀ New Member
Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am unfortunately used to living in this environment and am probably a lot calmer than I should be.

Went to police they said there's no proof he hurt the cat . I have no marks on me and if we are already divorcing I should just leave .

I am safe for the weekend trying to figure out next week. My friend said I could stay with her. My son is refusing to leave if I go stay with her . He's 18 almost 19.

I got a new phone today at sprint in my name. Had to buy a new one unless he gave permission to release old phone and number. I will be contacting clients with new number.

Sent another email to my lawyer hoping he's a work addict and checks his emails on weekends.

Plan on selling my stand mixer, deep fryer and anything else on craigslist. Also my wedding rings have to get them appraised I guess. Maybe worth 3,000.

Get a night job in addition to cleaning houses and go stay with my friend. Not sure if mace is legal in PA but she has some I can use.

This is not the dream new beginning I saw for myself. Hoping God will open more doors for me if I take this action.

Didn't make it to my meeting but called people and got stuff done. Waiting on the PFA for now have to go to courthouse Monday.

Thank you so much for your posts.


Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying and please keep posting!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Jan 2010
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost in tears reading this. My ex also killed my cat. I went to the police, but without proof, a dead body, or an admission from him, nothing would happen. I am haunted that I could not protect her from him. Take the money. Protect yourself.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Making a police report is different than asking for their opinion. Tell them you want a report and then they must document facts along with what you tell them. These reports may be valuable later.

I worry about your son. Would he have a friend he can stay with for a bit? That's a really vulnerable age to be dealing with this.

You said an emergency PO would be valid until Monday. Did they explain the process for extending it? The shelter will be able to give you a contact or advocate who is someone that will be at the court and can explain the system to you and stand there with you for free. That's their job. Each state differs on the laws but all have advocates.

[This message edited by rainagain at 10:13 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried about your other pets too. Who is next?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3349 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Bringiton
♀ New Member
Member # 40984
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My lawyer does check emails on the weekend. Said he'd call me this afternoon and we will discuss options.

Hoping somehow I can get ex out of the house and my son and I stay in the home until divorce is final. I know I'm dreaming but that would be the least turmoil and maybe get the divorce settled quicker.

If I leave and stay with friends the other cats will stay here until I get a place of my own. Not sure if that will factor into my ability to stay in the home. For the safety of the other animals .

My son says I'm blowing this out of proportion and dad just had one of his episodes and is better now . So sad , this is his normal.

He knows it always happens again though there is always a next time.

Anyone manage to stay in the house and get their ex out? I don't want the house after the divorce. Also could he be court ordered to give me some money to move before divorce is final? I will be asking my lawyer this when he calls.


Be brave. Believe in your goodness and don't ever give up.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: N. E. P. A.
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Please whatever you do don't leave your cats alone with this man. It's not safe at all. What in the world did he do to the other cat? The other cats were upset? Even taking it would be so malicious.

I agree with the others about all signs here.


Posts: 805 | Registered: Apr 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please keep on the emergency protection order.

Do not let the police 'advise' you on this matter. When my ex broke into my house and stole the dog, I called the police to file a report. Since we weren't divorced yet, the policeman told me that I was acting childish. I told him I wanted a police report to document the damage, the missing animal, and the text messages I received. I didn't care what he 'thought' beyond that.

This man is dangerous. I hope your L will get some shit moving for you and get him the fuck out of your house.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4634 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of us here, including me, were granted exclusive use of the marital home. That meant that we got to stay here & our STBX's could not come back, could not come inside, had to stay away.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 27
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