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Newest Member: howcanyou (44619)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Looking for Advice
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This weighs heavy on my heart.

I feel like I failed my child. As the adult and parent I waited over 10 years to have my child and our family was gone without MC or any indication.

I feel like I couldn't find a way to fix this. I not my ex couldn't figure out how to stop the OW.

I don't care about him or her just that because of my lack of ability or too confident in our family I missed the OW and when I found out didn't have the foundation to stop her.

I couldn't give him what I had a secure family. It is sooo hard deep in my core.

I don't know actual divorce families in a close sense. I don't know how they don't miss a mother and father if given the opportunity.

I guess I feel responsible in the sense death is inevitable but this is reversible in theory. I just want to .

I just want to add I have read and know of well adjusted and happy children of divorce - this is more about a burden I feel.

[This message edited by fireproof at 12:01 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 914 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you can take responsibility for everything your X did in true codependent fashion, or you can teach your child the right way to treat a family--i.e., NOT the way your X did.

You haven't failed your child; you've been dealt a tough hand. My motto is "Never let them see you sweat." Don't apologize to your child for your life; it is what it is. If you act like it's normal, it will be normal.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19970 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cross you bear now isn't one of your ex's sins, it's your responsibility for modeling to your children how a healthy person, a healthy mom, rises to meet challenges & begins their life over again. Of course this isn't the path you would have wanted, but it's the path you're on. The only failure would be in showing them unhealthy behavior & coping strategies: booze, drugs, men, idiot choices, distractions, things that take your focus off of a good life lived with children you love.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I couldn't find a way to fix this
This is one of those life lessons we learn that we can't fix or control everything that happens. Sometimes, life throws crap at us and there is nothing we can do about it. You aren't responsible for your WS's behavior. You are only responsible for YOUR behavior.

Your child is learning that life isn't perfect and sometimes bad things happen. How you deal with this will teach your child a lot. You can teach your child that it is possible to pick ourselves up and move on and have a good life, or you can teach your child that we can refuse to deal with the bad stuff, beat ourselves up over things we have no control, and feel guilty about the stuff that other people do to us. Which one do you want your child learning?

It isn't a failure to have good boundaries and not allow someone to treat us badly. And it is also okay for your child to see you grieving and be sad. You are experiencing a loss and so are they. It is okay to be sad and cry. That is the healthy way to deal with this. But then, at some point, you start to find a new normal and pick the pieces back up and embrace life again.

I felt terrible after my divorce also. I also wanted that perfect happy childhood for my kids. But my kids are surviving wonderfully. They are good kids, honor students, going to and graduating from college, and my eldest is even married now to a very good man. They can survive and thrive.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15187 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your wish to give your children the "perfect" life and shield them from pain and disappointment.

But, if your children never experience pain and disappointment, they will not be able to develop compassion, empathy, and the inner strength needed to weather life's storms.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7669 | Registered: Aug 2005
Topic Posts: 5

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