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User Topic: Mommy porn....
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand porn in the traditional sense. I am learning about " mommy porn".....romance novels, Twilight and other fantasy type movies that have a heavy fantasy-type "love" in them.

I am starting to understand what it is but am failing to find any data or articles that suggest it is nearly as harmful as "man type" porn.

Does this mean it is harmless? Harmful but not as bad as man-porn? Or can it derail true intimacy as effectively as man-porn?


My wife really enjoyed this type of stimulation pre-A. I don't know if her AP was a porn user. Just exploring the tie-in to women who choose adultery and mommy-porn..... I don't see psychological data that supports or denies a link.....no data at all.

On the contrary, man-porn data shows a strong link to adultery. I am a user of porn for almost 3 decades....watched some with my wife....and I did not have an A. So I realize even if data exists it would only reveal trends and odds. I use the term "porn user" because I NOW see it as purely unhealthy....I don't believe a man can "view" it and not be unhealthy. Viewing indicates to me no net affect is had. This is my battle to overcome....again, I can understand "man-porn".

Anyone know of any studies on mommy-porn? At least have ideas on how mommy-porn affects a woman's ability to nurture true intimacy?

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be sure, I have read articles that strongly indicate porn use is infidelity. Totally get that and fully agree it damaged my M. I am not trying to minimize man-porn or my harmful choices or actions.

I am changing my harmful ways....and pray I have both the power and the time to repair the damages my actions have caused....internally as well as externally.

Mercy to us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only speak for myself. I love to read but did not get into the whole 50 shades type books until recently. I enjoy reading these types of "porn" books on days when I think H and I will have sex and it really gets me in the mood. Oddly (?) enough I can only picture H in my mind doing things to me.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't seen studies but I have always believed that some women who watch soap operas have a tendency to over dramatize normal everyday events. I have even asked some women if they watch soaps when I hear a particularly dramatic version of events. Most times they have said "yes, why?" I can always tell when my sister is getting into a soap opera.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6146 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know of any studies, but I am a recovering romantic and I would say that, yes, it definitely has had a negative affect on my marriage. I think, like porn, all the romantic/ erotic stuff that women watch and read can set up an unrealistic expectation of what it takes to be satisfied in a relationship. It isn't real, yet somehow I feel deprived of something I should have if my H doesn't smother me with steamy glances from across the room.

It indulges something very selfish within myself - something that views a relationship from the perspective of my own fulfillment and satisfaction. It does not consider the actual feelings or needs of the other person. The other person only exists to please and validate me - that is the sole purpose of their character.

It's not easy to give up, and very easy to justify. Guys are visual/women need romance. Even some of the greatest literature is written around this romantic notion of love. But, half-dressed women are everywhere I look, too.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with "mommy porn" and movie romance also is we as a society of women now believe that is what "true love" is supposed to look like. It sets an unattainable and shallow view of what love, life and family life should be like. We pull our heads out of our books or walk out of the movie theater and we have to face our less than fairy tale real life love at home.

Sure, perhaps by middle age women realize it's all fake movie crap, but it sets up our sons and daughters to fail in their relationships.

The best review I read of the Twilight leading male character is this

"He's rude, controlling, abusive, misogynistic, disparaging and dismissive.... In all seriousness though, what a hideous lust object to mythologize. It'll be teaching all sorts of young girls that it's ROMANTIC to accept any sort of appalling treatment some brooding loser who treats you like dirt."


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He's rude, controlling, abusive, misogynistic, disparaging and dismissive.... In all seriousness though, what a hideous lust object to mythologize. It'll be teaching all sorts of young girls that it's ROMANTIC to accept any sort of appalling treatment some brooding loser who treats you like dirt."

AMEN!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep getting the "it's not like it was when we first met; the thrill is gone; our marriage is no longer a fairy tale romance... In fact, it never was".

I just went and looked at her book collection upstairs. Lots of Nora Roberts and V.C. Andrews, whoever they are.

I know she likes romantic movies. She has probably wathed "The Notebook" and "Titanic" a hundred times.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VC Andrews is not really romance, unless you count child abuse and incest as romance. Nora Roberts definitely is romance.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 2:20 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VC Andrews might fall into the category of 'erotica'. I remember reading one of her/his books as a teenager, and being titillated when the daughter seduced her mother's husband, as an act of revenge against her.

That whole series I felt was about the shock of discovering my young self aroused by something that is taboo. If you saw a visual of that, it would be 'man porn' and we might be horrified.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahhh good point, I didn't think about that. It was definitely inappropriate for me at the age I was reading it!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a lot of novels. I am more the Stephen King or Dean Koontz kind of woman, but I have read romantic novels and even the weird things I read sometimes always have the hero (man or woman) who falls in love. I do not however equate it to the porn that my WH watches. I know it's just a movie or a book and it is not real everyday life as we know it. My WH on the other hand thinks we should be able to do all the things they do in a porn flick which is so unrealistic to real life and when it doesn't happen that way he becomes the cheater. Even that had its downfalls as he is discovering. I don't think it's necessarily the porn or the mommy porn that is the problem. It is the brokeness inside someone that makes them think that this is what real relationships are supposed to be like. JMO


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't equate them at all.. porn is real people having real sex, passing around real STDs, and not having real orgasms. I'm quite comfortable rejecting pornography completely from being part of my life and marriage. I don't know any women who have gone out and violently abused a man after watching 'The Notebook' seventy times.

Having said that, my husband did have an A with a sexual predator... so perhaps I should think about that some more.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Jul 2013
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point TrustGone. I read across a wide variety of genres - including some "mommy porn" type books. Even as a teenager reading romance novels, I was always able to differentiate between reality and fantasy. And I never tried to live up to the "romance fantasy".


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1743 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are plenty of well-written, funny, sweet and relatively realistic romance novels out there. With heroes who are not obsessive, controlling or damaged, and heroines who are not codependent or immature. I don't like Twilight, Shades or soap operas, but I love a good book that focuses on an intimate relationship.

When I read these, it's great for our sex life (although one of my favorite authors, Georgette Heyer, doesn't even have sex scenes). It helps me take a break from all my other roles in life (daughter, mother, sister, coach, volunteer, tutor etc.) and just be a woman in love with my man.

I don't fantasize about the heroes--I think about the traits I love in my H. And Reading romance makes me think about having sex with him, which is honestly a very good thing--he agrees!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple glasses of red wine can be very healthy for someone but don't tell that to someone at their first AA meeting.

It all depends on the consumers focus while using whatever. I woman reading a romance novel getting all fired up thinking about her husband can be healthy. If she turns that fantacy to the guy at the grocery store not so much.

We watch porn together on a pretty regular basis. For us it does not seem unhealthy at all. Sometimes it is a good distraction from mind movies. But the focus is always on each other.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this is all I can say about the whole "mommy porn" movement spurred by the Twilight movies....



BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Between me and my H, we realized porn is certainly bad for him period. Regarding me and my romance novels, not so much. So long as I don't suddenly project my wants and desires and then accuse my H of why he doesn't act like this guy in my novel...

I mean there's healthy fantasy and then there's crazyland...

Some women (and men) believe in these rom-coms or romantic movies as real life. Tries to base their reality on that - that is now unhealthy. I mean I'm not cinderella and my husband is not prince charming but many women still believe in that kind of "love". See my signature? that's based on REALITY. Most people who commit A, truly believe in soulmates and destinies... crazyland.

Hope that helps.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some really good things to ponder on here. A lot of diff views, why I love this place


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luckily, I have never had issues with porn.
I'm not M to a SA so I completely do not understand how damaging that would be to a M. So please, if that is the case, excuse me.

However, I am from a generation where this is the norm.
I feel that porn and masturbation is healthy. I am all for written or viewing porn - unless it is in the form where there is an actual "person" stimulating the spouse.
I enjoy watching porn and have always expressed this to WH. I would not be upset to learn he's masturbating or viewing porn in any way, unless it's hurtful to myself.
I loved the 50 shades series, books of erotica, and women inspired porn.
Personally, I do not care to view hardcore porn or any of the like.
Unless it is a problem for you - as the spouse - it's harmless and enjoyable.
Possibly you could read the 50 shades together?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 68
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