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User Topic: I don't blame OW
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There has been no contact with her since the email. I am thinking I need to look into counseling or something. I feel very empty of emotion aside from the urge to just run away.

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't "blame" the OW more than I "blame" my WH. They were equally culpable.

While he did not deliberately seek out an affair, he was definitely vulnerable (he's a SA who had always before confined his innapropriate behavior to masturbation, pornography, flirtations with pretty women, etc.). The revelation 7 years ago that he was an SA had, little by little, degraded our marriage. Both of us were depressed (him, clinically) and frustrated with each other.

They met at a work event (different companies in different states), exchanged numbers (for business reasons, naturally), and began a texting friendship that she turned sexual. Of course, it took only one invitation for him to fall. It was NOT her first rodeo; it WAS his. Still, they BOTH cheated on their spouses and their children and they were both raised to have more integrity than that.

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blame both, especially the latest. MOW #2, XWH and I met at an industry function for the first time when she was new in XWH's industry so she knew he was married. (I now know he took his rings off when away, but she can't claim not knowing.) Lied to me directly when I questioned her what was going on. Assisted him in betraying and lying to me (she got him a cell phone so I couldn't track, came to town several times- the day he officially moved out and the weekend XWH's mother died from her long battle with cancer being the most hurtful). Encouraged him to dump his plans with his tween to see her out of state (when I was out of town) which would have been the longest amount of time he would have spent with his tween since we separated 2 months prior doing something tween really wanted to do with dad (yes, XWH dumped tween and tween learned it for himself, breaking tween's heart). Etc, etc, etc...

But I do have pity for her as it appears she has histrionic personality disordered. NPD + HPD = crazy chaos. They are in fantasy land now but eventually their lives will be pure hell. Wonder who will betray who first.

Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking I need to look into counseling or something.
This is a great idea, Chipped. This is why I asked when your last child was born. You could be suffering from post partum depression on top of probably some PTSD. Are you on any meds now?

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I never have. I'm still breastfeeding so I would rather try to deal with it through counseling first.

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still breastfeeding
Thats what I figured. I feel you could use some counseling, Chipped. That is a very good idea.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so needed to read this forum. Thank you all for your responses. Sister milkshake, you are spot on!. That donkey POS bragged to me that she always knew about me. That statement says to that OW as in the position to manipulate my dumb ass husband.

The bottom line: he is a government employee and his salary is posted. He was so stupid to think that someone else would clean up his toenail clippings and hair. No idiot, it was your money. When she pressured you for money, you ran. Unlike your wife, your OW is looking out for her best interests.

The AP begins with the WS talking poorly about the marriage. I was painted as a horrible, alcoholic that refused to have sex with him. He failed to mention that I took my vows seriously, loved him to a fault and refused to have him touch me once he turned to another woman. Lies have an uncanny way of turning off the BS.

So, I blame my husband for his broken vows to me, and I blame the AP for deciding that she had the right to steal something that did not belong to her The OW yelled out to my husband that he ruined her life. F her. She got what her hand called for. In some countries stealing gets your hands cut off.

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame the OW either. I think the EA was more one sided. I think she was afraid to say no when he asked her out because He's in a position of power. I actually like the girl. Under different circumstances we'd probably become good friends. Turns out we we even went to high school together. I don't remember her though.

When I first suspected something, my husband panicked and fired her and I rehired her. Granted I didn't know all the details at that time. If I had, I'm not sure I would have done that. I could see through their messages that it was mostly my husband. She went along with it for the money he was giving her and the special privileges . Although I don't blame her, I let her know that she wasn't totally innocent. I asked her if that's the kind of woman she really wants to be....the kind that runs around with a married man at 3am and accepts money from him. She started to cry and apologized. I made sure she knew that I was the only reason she still had a job. She then said she was no longer going to cover for my husband anymore, even if that means losing her job and offered to answer any questions I had. There are times when I wish I could hate her. My healing would be a lot easier if she wasn't around. It's just not who I am though.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow scuba. I'm sorry but I think in the long run you will feel good about yourself for that. You really took the high road. And Sister I just made an appointment with a counselor for Friday. Yay me. I am hopefully moving in the right direction!

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37521
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no...I blame OW for her part of the affair. She was just as accountable as my H was. They meticulously planned, texted, sexted, phone sex and met up for their rendezvous.

I blasted the OW to her H and his boss (since he would not answer the phone for me).

I finally, at 2 years post affair, put a public statement on Craigslist in AK (I am in NC) telling her that I forgave her because I wanted to have peace in my head about the whole affair.
I knew she read it, she's just nuts.....Anywho, I did it for me. The statement about indifference being more than hate is not true in my book.
My indifference has no hate. I forgave her because I wanted to be better. And I am.

“There is nothing more humiliating than loving someone so much that you forgive the infidelities.”
---Jerry Hall

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had several relationships with other women. Two of them I hold entirely blameless. Most, I hold with maybe a slight contempt. The details aren't simple.
One, I have complete indifference to and the last I blame and will always blame. I wish eternal damnation on her soul except I'm fairly sure she doesn't have one. I wish painful death upon her and eternal loneliness until death comes for her and I hope it's at her own hand.
I hope I'm clear enough.
How a BS feels about an OP often has a lot more to do with the circumstances than just the fact they were affair partners.
Oh, and yes, I do hold my H responsible. He gets to live with little trust and all the hurt he's caused me and the kids and our respective families but I am invested in him and he is invested in me and our lives haven't only been about his women although honestly, they mostly have and that's hard.
He possibly doesn't deserve another chance and there are no more after this last one he's using right now but it's him I love...not her. She tried to steal my life and my identity (she's a papered bunny boiler too) and I'm fairly sure the last shoe from her hasn't dropped yet.
She will eventually get filed in my indifference folder but until then, she deserves my hatred in full.
No exceptions.
I too am known for having too much empathy but last OP purged me of that little life long problem.

Edited for a dumb typo to stupid looking to just leave in.

[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 3:49 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck her and her fucking "story". She fucked a married man, someone elses husband. She is a fucking horse shit person who doesn't give a shit about spouses and children.


I hate OW. Hate her. She's a liar and a whore, and a worthless pile of shit. She can cry her eyes out daily - I hope she does. She's misery for everyone and everything. She knew he had someone. She didn't care - she wanted what she wanted. She had someone too, that she was using. He thought she was little miss innocent until I told him the truth. She'd been faking who she was for 8 years with him.

I think she thought that since she was my H's ex, she had some 'right' to him. Fuck her. She apologized, and then lied through her teeth. She's scum. I will never feel sorry for that thing.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I blame the OW?

Hell yes.

This was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I lost 5 years of my life. She thought she was the greatest thing on sliced bread and could simply come in and replace me.

I have never had so much contempt for any one.

I initially had empathy for her. All this did was become an enabler.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is a good topic to bring up in a regular basis. blameshifting. rugsweeping. rescuing.

i do no not blame the OM. i knew what he was about 22 years ago when i met him. he was a womanizer then and is today. four years ago or so, in getting reconnected, he rekindled a professional relationship and then developed and then used his mentor relationship with my WW (medical related) to have 'fun' on his annual business trips. my WW became his for-free escort. he even had at least one other.

he filled up my WW with a bunch of lies: he really 'cared' about her (yep, knowing that her family was most important to her); that he would 'never' want to do anything to hurt their marriages (!?!); that no one gets hurt if no one finds out; that the secrecy is what makes their relationship special; that what they were doing was 'ok' since they did not want to leave their spouses or families, etc.

SO, i know the above and the other 180 degrees from talking to his BW.

BUT, you know what? I do not blame him. Sure he had no respect for my M - but he never promised anything to me.

It was my SPOUSE that broke our vows and spilled toxic waste on my marriage. The guy should have been obvious, and if not, that is still my wife's fault. She has all my blame. The other BW never blamed my WW. She referred to her WH as a Narcissistic disappointment.

The only instance in which I think it is right to expend energy blaming the AP is when the AP was at your wedding, making an oath to protect and honor your marriage...then I think yin that case a promise was broken to you.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:36 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
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