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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't blame OW
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I weird? I don't blame her. I don't hate her. I am curious about her. I did contact her. I found text messages, he said they were just sexting. So I sent her a text. She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids. She called him a piece of shit and asked me how I didn't notice what he was doing. I found a picture of her online. I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit. I think she is pretty. She was probably very nice. It makes me hate him more. Is that weird? I have put all of it on him. He broke two hearts. He lied about his life.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH had multiple EA's and PAs with many women. I don't blame any of them either. Some of them didn't know he was married. Some of them thought I left him and our child...

I place full blame on my FWH then and now. Is there blame to be had on those OW that he had that literally set a goal to separate the two of us, one of them pretending to be pregnant with twins? Of course, but she's not my concern. My husband and our marriage is.

I feel that if I let my husband let me get mad about his OW or if I put the blame on OW, I would let him get away with it. It's like saying that my wayward is not at fault because the OW is the one who showed up naked. I mean what is he going to do? Ignore her? -- you get my drift.

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because they are afraid that they would loose what little love they have for the WS to disappear. It's self-preservation of the love they thought they had. Once I realized, I didn't have the love I thought I had in the first place, I had no problem. I figured, I deserve a real kind of love.

I got that real love by letting go of that old marriage of that "old love" we had. I think that's when R started, when I told him he had to convince me that he knows how to love me the way I should be loved. 6 years of hard, difficult R later, we're in a different marriage, we are different mature people and stronger than ever.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW didn't know he was married, and I don't blame OP in these situations either.

With my H, none of the women he sexted with and cyber-cheated with knew he was in a relationship. I don't blame them at all. He's an ass, and I sort of feel bad for them.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple- so letting go worked for you. I'm having a hard time feeling anything for my WH anymore. And I am worried that means that I'm done with him.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because
In the cases where the WS lies to the OW about being married, or at the very least making it seem he is very unhappily married (when that might be a lie just to get in her pants), or in cases where they seek them on the Internet, strip clubs, or just hire hookers, I would agree there is not much room to bother "blaming" anyone but the WS.

However, there are filthy skanks out there who actually look for vulnerability in married men, whom they know are married. One went after my H when he was out of his mind with grief after losing his mother and DD. While this does not make my H blameless for falling for it, I will NOT hold the whore blameless either. Some of them really deserve all the "blame" they get. Every situation is different.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids

If this is the truth then you have no reason to place any blame on the
OW.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit.

Maybe I wouldn't blame her if she was truly initially fooled, but this shows that even knowing he was M, she was still willing to be involved with him. I have found cheaters lie and liars cheat. Since she's willing to be with a cheater once she knows he is one, I'm putting her in the believe nothing she blurts out of her pie=hole category.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I think she was just hurt too.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I have my moments of wanting OW dead and gone (not really I'm a marshmallow) - for the most part I don't hate her. She's not a good person and clearly has MEGA issues. She knew WH was married. BUT - my issues that are personal are with the man who promised to love and protect me forever, not a stranger. She's a low life scum for sure but I don't hate her.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She lost my sympathy when she did this:
she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him-
which basically tells me she would have fucked and sexted even if she knew he was married. She is not blameless from the moment she finds out that the AP is married and doesn't go NC immediately.

Chippednotbroken, you don't have to hate or blame the AP. You may find as time goes on and if you are trying to reconcile and OW won't go away, you may find some hate. *shrug* Maybe not. Many do have a lot of reasons to blame and hate the AP's. Not every situation is exactly the same, although so much of the stuff is right out of the Cheater's Handbook.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*shrug*

SMS is right - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hard to understand when everything is so raw, I really understand that. The less the OP occupies your mind the better. I think it's great the Chipped is there.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely think she would have stayed with him if he had gone back to her. He cut her off pretty unceremoniously. Told her its over and changed our numbers. She got his email from a friend so even he seemed off guard by the email. She clearly did not think I would intercept it.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But again I don't care. He made her think he was great and I was terrible. He told her he loved her. I know how she must feel *argh*


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're weird, the OP may have initially been lied to. I do think that some OP's really don't know about the BS, they too believe the lies. It's tougher when the OP is someone that not only knows the WS is married, but knows the BS. That's where I'm at.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry BAB. That is tough. I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise. He did. He said he would never hurt me and he did.

[This message edited by Chippednotbroken at 9:22 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise.

While the rest of the world may not have made any promise to me or to any of us, we all owe it to people to treat them with basic decency. When you're *knowingly* fucking someone's spouse, you are treating them with the utmost disrespect.

The fmow did owe me basic respect, but instead she chose to pursue my husband, all the while knowing me and our three children...

So, I do place a *huge* amount of blame on her. However I'll always place more blame on him for being such a lowlife and for continuing his charade with her while lying and denying to me all that time.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I think she was just hurt too.

i feel this way about the OW too, but i can't help but also be pissed at her. for sure most of the blame goes to my wh... imo he ruined both of our lives.


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame the OW, but I am angry with her. My H was vulnerable for years, and I did everything in my power to support and encourage him. His father had just died, he was working around the clock trying to save his business, he was feeling old and like a complete failure. Textbook stuff. She knew he was married, and that is why she wanted him. It was entirely initiated and premeditated on her part. So, no, she doesn't owe me any more than a car would owe me if my H drove it into a tree and put me and my children into a coma. But as a human being, I just find it despicable behavior.

I've never had an A, but neither have I ever been faced with any great temptation. There have absolutely been times when I have been so vulnerable that I might have had an A if the 'right/wrong' person had come along and tried their hardest to seduce me. If somebody says 'no', I think you should respect that and not try to wear them down. I think taking advantage of someone's vulnerability is pretty low.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I'm just so angry at him that I don't have anymore left for anyone else. I can see how some of you would blame OW.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry I don't mean to hurt anyone on here with my feelings but it is really helping me to hear you all. I wish I could put some blame on her. Tell myself that if it hasn't been for her he wouldn't have done this to me. That he was weak and this women took advantage and that is why I was thrown aside. But I can't. He would have cheated on me with anybody. He would have told them anything. He just plain hurt me with no out. No pushing. No pursuit. He went out looking and he found it. And he could potentially do it again and again and again...


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 54
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