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User Topic: Don't want to feel better
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 weeks post DDay I find myself looking at old credit card statements from a year ago. There's nothing much I hadn't already connected from them. I feel like I am looking bc I don't want to feel better about what's happened. I don't want to forget what he's done.
He's been pretty up front with me. Is this still normal to be doing at this stage? Sometimes I feel in my heart I should leave and I am just waiting for that 1 piece of info to push me over the edge...but really there couldn't much more that would make this worse.
I used to fantasize about what I would do with evidence when I felt something was off... It was leave and not look back. So why am I here?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the EXACT same stuff when I first found out. Credit card statements...anything to prove all the money he'd spent on her -- $5,000 or more in all.

Yes, I told myself the same thing and I want to know why I am here too. My husband is donig everything he can to make things up to me but I still feel so deeply confused and hurt by it all and sick to my stomach. What he's done has tainted everything. Everything in my life. :(


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's that you don't want to get better. I believe it's a defense mechanism against more surprises. I think deep down, we fear that we missed something and another shoe will drop when we least expect it. We are so shocked by the betrayal and angry at ourselves for missing signs that we search to be sure we aren't missing anything else.

I know I was terrified that I would find out something else from someone other than my husband and be humiliated again. I searched to be sure that I knew everything and no one could surprise me with information about my marriage that I didn't know. For some, it's a defense mechanism that takes a long time to go away. Others resolve it sooner. 7 weeks out it's completely normal to continue to search and ruminate.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4011 | Registered: Sep 2005
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I did stuff like this for a long time. It was sort of like my own version of aversion therapy. I kept looking at the painful things and after a while, they weren't so painful anymore. I could look at them and they had little effect on me. They had no more power over me.

The truth is that it takes a long time to work through this stuff. Unfortunately, 7 weeks is a drop in the bucket. You will probably need 6 months or a year before you will even know whether you want to stay with him or not. It takes a whole lot of work to get through this.

You do want to feel better and you will. You have to go through it to get to the other side.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2010
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is some info in the healing library. Almost all of us do this. It's PTSD. Takes our brains a while to process everything. Same reason we ask the same quesitons over and over.
You are normal (((roarlouder))).
It takes time and your DD was very recent. I had a hard time accepting that it gets better, like EVERYBODY says. We all feel like we are the only ones feeling THIS much pain. But, you are not alone, and you will feel better.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 months or a year until I know? I really hope I know sooner. I dont want to waste more time if thats where it is going. i am wondering if some seperation would make it clearer.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 months to a year is a rule of thumb that is often seen on SI. You may make a decision earlier than that. I guess the point is it takes a while for the initial shock to wear off and to be in a position to think straight enough to make a good decision. You appear to be searching for some certainty before making a decision. I don't think there is any in most situations. Especially when many of us were certain we knew what we would do if our spouses cheated--right up until they actually cheated.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2010
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so true- I always said it was a deal breaker, yet here I am. And his cheating was significant!
I hope for certainty... I hate limbo, but also tend to second guess. I know if I told family and friends they'd support me and I'd be gone...but if that's where we end up I want it to be my decision, not influenced by anyone else...I don't want to blame them when/if I have regrets.
Right now, at this moment, I hate him. I want to tell him that...but I don't want to hurt his feelings. How messed up is that?
I am beginning to think separating would be good for me to lose the fear of being on my own, and for him to see life without me. I have to leave at the end of the month for a few weeks for work which will give space, but it isn't the same impact as leaving him.

Sorry for the ramble. A lot in my head tonight


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just waiting for that 1 piece of info to push me over the edge

This hit me hard. I'm about 9 weeks post dday, and yes, I still scour around for info. I'm not sure why - finding anything at this point would destroy me and my marriage. I go back and forth between telling myself that any further details don't matter and that I need to start believing him at some point, to telling myself that I don't want to go through the pain of trying to be mature about this only to find out I'm still being messed with and that we're not in true R.

I know I would get over this much faster if I could just know for sure that he was lying and was always going to lie, and I could tell him to eff himself, run off and go on a find-myself adventure or something. Shake him out of my system.

But I don't do that because that's a short-term solution, and I want this relationship. I really am just protecting myself, I think.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
roarlouder
♀ Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly how I feel!! Your situation is similar to mine as well. Although I am not sure yet if I want this.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is very common. It's like you have to stare at it in order for you to get to the place of accepting what happened. As with trauma victims, they re-live the trauma--it's a way to get your brain to come to grips with what happened to you. Every time you do, hopefully it hurts a little less and heals a little more. Look at it as a good process for yourself and not something to be ashamed of. Take good care.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2012
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Come back and talk to me when you have the spreadsheets that go back a year to try and build a database of what happened.

Yep, that was me.

It lasted a long time and it's really REALLY easy to get wrapped up in that. I think the key to deciding if you want to stay is simpler than that. It was for me at least.

This is the conclusion that I came to. All of the goodwill and happy memories and all the other good stuff that you can remember before D-day is pretty much erased. You should remain married based on what kind of husband you have today. If he is a raging asshole and doesn't make your life better and is really only a hindrance then you need to recognize that.

In most situations a married couple can say "we do have that 20 years together". I don't have that anymore. My wife erased those 20 years and I know my marriage is conditional. It's conditional for both she and I. She has already proven I can be replaced and is willing to do so. I have no doubt about the nature of our arrangement.

I can tell you that after 19 months I am still on the fence, so to speak. My wife is completely back to normal and everything is great. But.... I don't love her like I did before. My wife knows that I don't feel the same way about her and that's the truth. I am starting to think I never will and that is sad.

You need to look at the value of what you get out of your marriage. You really do. Base it on not how your life was but how it is today. Be upfront about this with your spouse. This really is a "what have you done for me lately" situation.


Also, 7 weeks isn't enough time for the craziness to settle down. If you have doubts about being married, that's normal. If you know it's a deal breaker than it's a deal breaker.

Mine still might be....


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that after 19 months I am still on the fence, so to speak. My wife is completely back to normal and everything is great. But.... I don't love her like I did before. My wife knows that I don't feel the same way about her and that's the truth. I am starting to think I never will and that is sad.

THIS^^^

My two-year mark from Dday #1 is coming up 12/22. And the above that damaged71 said is where I am at too...


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 13

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