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User Topic: Just started 180 on Sunday. Question:
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry that if I don't go, it will be " can you believe that he wouldn't even go to the doctor with me when I told him that I needed him? See what kind of man he is? Do you blame me?"

Don't worry about what others think. My ex tried to trash me to people. He made up lies to make himself look good....even told his family I was keeping our son from him. I didn't trash him. I told the truth when asked. Eventually, they began to see that he was lying. His own actions told the truth and they understood he'd been lying the whole time.

Now, who do you think they believe and trust? It most certainly isn't him

I am also inclined to go simply out of human compassion. I would provide strength and support to a complete stranger in a time of legitimate need. To abandon my own character and personality in response to her misdeeds would be a gross violation of the idea behind 180, if I understand it correctly.
Gotta keep being me, despite her... Right?

Wrong....she needs to understand what consequences are. If you go, you are giving her exactly what she wants.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:12 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the flowers: I would let them die and SHE can throw them out. And I understand that you want to be compassionate and accompany her to the medical appointment but IMO that would not help you in your 180. Where is HER compassion for you after what she has put you through? ((justjim)) keep up the good work and hang in there!

Posts: 127 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice to not go is sound.

If she wants me out of her life as much as she claims, the sooner we start getting used to our new lives, the better.

As for the flowers, they no longer belong to me. They're hers to do with as she wishes. They are of no consequence to me.

Thanks for keeping me straight, y'all!


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing a great job on the 180. As other stated it's not about manipulating your WW it's about focusing on you and what you want.

Your WW emotionally detached and broke all emotional bonds with you long ago when she decided to have her A. By doing the 180 focusing on you and breaking your emotional bond to her it puts you on sort of even footing. She won't be able to manipulate you via your heart as easily. Remember she killed your M when she had the A. The old M is dead and gone. If you do stay together it's by building a new M and that takes 2 extremely dedicated people. Your WW isn't remorseful so keep up the 180 and keep detaching. If you are able, you should go see a L and figure out what D will look like for you in your state. Your WW has stated she wanted a D so she may in fact go see a lawyer herself so be prepared. You don't have to tell her you went but you need to be ready to give it all up and walk away because she already showed you she was willing to lose you when she had the A. She's just hoping you will get back in line and let her cake eat again.

She gave up the right to your support when she chose to have an A. She effectively fired you from the job of Husband at that time. The reality is you are in fact interviewing her to see if you want to hire her back as your W and she is failing miserably right now. Keep at it, it's a long tough road no matter which path it takes. Make sure you start doing some things for you. Go out and try to enjoy life even if you don't feel like it right now. It helps. Keep posting and stay strong.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:36 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa.
Last night during a casual conversation the name of a couple we are friends with came up. These are people that had told me that she was publicly trashing me in front of our other friends.
She went nuts, ranting and raving about how they had "betrayed" her. I asked how relating something that happened in public was a betrayal.
She became someone I have never seen before: loud and very, very vulgar.
It seemed as if she were searching for an excuse to show me that side of her personality... a side I have never seen in 12 years.
That, or the 180 is really starting to piss her off.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(This site HATES my Kindle)

More importantly, last night's outburst gave her an opportunity to see a side of ME that she has never seen.

Apathy.

I didn't care that she was pissed off. I didn't care that she was acting irrational and ridiculous.

I just went into "OK, this discussion... in fact, ANY discussion is over for now".

I know 180 calls for me to be cheerful. But she refuses to allow it. She has to try to step on my good moods like she wants to see me suffer, as if I deserve to be punished.
Punished for WHAT????
I'm the freaking one who kept (and is still keeping) their vows!


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is a ridiculous statement, but if you accompany her to the doctor appointment, it would be a perfect time to insist on a full STD panel due to her infidelity. Perhaps loudly, being certain all the medical personnel became aware of it. You should probably forget what I just wrote and not go. Sometimes being a BS just gets my back up.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it would be a perfect time to insist on a full STD panel due to her infidelity. Perhaps loudly,
Love it, LAFA. However, I feel it is best to not go.
during a casual conversation
No casual, or any kind, of conversation with WW. Listen to her, but don't converse. Simple responses. "Oh" "Hmm" "Okay" thats it.

Okay, justjim, maybe you have covered this before, but I have to ask, why didn't you go with your WW on all those weekends? Have you tried following her at all? How about hiring a PI for one weekend? When you get to 51 legitimate posts the Investigative Tips forum will open up to you. We all know she is cheating, but it is nice to have the proof, too.

I also like the idea of you moving her shit into the guest room. I like the idea of you going to a lawyer. Sounds like your WW thinks she has you wrapped around her fingers. Let her know that you have seen a lawyer by casually leaving his/her card and some info about their practice on the table (near the flowers, maybe) where she will see it.

Also, have you ever been in touch with your friend who was married to your wife? I wonder why they got divorced.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, have you ever been in touch with your friend who was married to your wife? I wonder why they got divorced.

He told me that they were having problems. Said that she just became mean and hateful and impossible to be around. He started hanging out at the Sports Bar where I met him. She tacked his credit /debit card receipts and used them to divorce him as a habitual drunk.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she just became mean and hateful and impossible to be around
Hmmm, sounds familiar doesn't it? I feel that your WW is quite possibly a serial cheater.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your WW wants a D so bad, why don't YOU file.
Give her what she wants.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, justjim, maybe you have covered this before, but I have to ask, why didn't you go with your WW on all those weekends? Have you tried following her at all?

I have mentioned going with her. She always nixes the idea. Says it wouldn't be fair or worth the expense to board our dogs.
I have gone up there for a few hours. It's uncomfortable because her family, who used to love me, now treat me like a stranger. I'm pretty sure she has trashed me to them, too.
A few weeks ago I went up there and she had a high school girlfriend over. The tension was thick where it never had been with that friend of hers before. (I am reasonably convinced that the OM is an old schoolmate.). They pretty much ignored and avoided me. I took the hint and headed home.

No, i haven't followed her. 1. I'd feel stupid, and 2. I don't know how I would react to seeing the OM. It might get...
Ugly.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a lawyer appointment (consultation) Nov. 11.

Shit's about to get real.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**clapping** for jj!!

Get all the info you need.

Tell her, or not, is purely a personal thing. I LOVE to give surprises, but that's just me

Every freakin' weekend?? Sweetie, she must really think you are an idiot! No one leaves their spouse every weekend. If she is being Florence Nightengale, and above board, then IMHO she would want you there. Geez!!

When you decide to serve her maybe you can wrap it up in a bow!! (sorry I'm in a pissy mood today)

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!

Now for another wrinkle:
Financial information is going to be hard to get without her knowing. She is the manager where we bank. She monitors our accounts constantly. I do not have any login info for online banking. There are no bank statements in this house... None. I have torn the place apart. In fact, there is not a shred of financial information here.
I have no idea what accounts we have or how much is in them. I don't even know how much my truck and motorcycle payments are... I trusted her completely.

Bet the lawyer is going to think he has a real dumbass on his hands.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jim, keep doing the 180. She has already disconnected from you, and apathy and indifference are now your friend. Inside, you may be dying and destroyed, but the 180 is so important.

Unfortunately, she sounds like she is planning an exit strategy, and her behavior is such that (my guess) she either wants you as the back-up plan (in case the A doesn't work out) or she wants to convince herself that she's the good person and you're the bad guy and she is well rid of you.

The lawyer is there to help protect you, and if there is a shred of compassion in the lawyer, s/he will think you were a kind and trusting soul.

See what the lawyer says about getting the financial info, given that she not only controls everything, but is also the bank manager.

If your name is also on the accounts, could you go to a different branch of the bank in person and request info? She may be planning to empty out your joint accounts.

Some of the financial info (bank accounts, savings, tax shelters, investments, etc) might be found on your old tax returns if you filed them married/jointly instead of married/separately or whatever it's called.

Don't sign over any of your rights to anything, even if she wouldn't get whatever in a divorce--ya never know what might be put in the final decree and you really do have to protect yourself.

Is the truck and motorcycle in your name, or in her name, or in both your names? Do you know the company that gave you the loan? They might be able to help clarify info.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and many thanks for your service to our country!

Hope


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truck and motorcycle are in my name only. She insisted on it.

Both are financed through her financial institution. She insisted on that, too.

Her bank is very small and local. Everybody knows everybody. She would know about any inquiries before I was out of the building.

I believe your second scenario on her exit strategy is the most likely. She wants to convince herself, her family, and all of our friends that she is justified in leaving me, even if the A comes out.

I know I have said it before, but I do not even KNOW this person anymore. For 12 years she has been sweet and sunny, full of cuteness and playfulness.

Suddenly she is dark and brooding, mean, hateful, and intentionally hurtful.

I trusted the old her without question with my heart and my finances. The new her scares the hell out of me.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hid all financial info from my H because I didn't want him telling the kids and I what we could or could not do.

Usually 1 spouse is kept in the dark financially, don't worry about looking dumb in front of the atty. They've seen it all. Hell, I had to tell mine I was 18 months behind on our house payment! The guy was like "whatever". He'll tell you how to get the financial info.

During discovery (a form you both have to fill out when you get D) she will have to list all accounts and you can request 2 years of statements.

Also, you can get a copy from the IRS of your taxes last year. It will have acct numbers listed on any accounts that earned over a certain amount of interest that year.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:11 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Jan 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I should move out of the bedroom

Under no circumstances are you to move out of the marital bedroom. You have done nothing wrong. You have not defiled the marriage, she has-----she moves out.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 40
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