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User Topic: Short stories: All the Little Betrayals
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we're in R. Yes, it's early in the process, yes, there's still a rollercoaster, but WH is doing everything right and everything seems to be going very well. I feel like we can make it. And then, out of nowhere, I get flashes of the outrageous betrayals, the little ones that hurt so badly, and I want to scream, "Who the hell would do that? Who the hell ARE you? How can you have been so cruel for so long, and suddenly the instant you get busted you're sorry?"

Here are the ones that are making me crazy today:

Slideshow: The Two-Day Sexcation

We're avid travelers, and earlier this year, we were on vacation. He had more time off from work than I did, so we planned to go to one city together and spend some time with friends, then he would jump to another city and hang out on his own for a week before returning. When we were planning the whole trip, I'm the one who urged him to go exploring on his own, though I knew I'd miss him. I told him, "When was the last time you went on a trip without me? I always go places without you, it's your turn to explore." When we arrived at our first destination, I booked his tickets to Destination 2 with him. He found out soon after booking the tickets that OW was going to be there, too, and while on vacation with me, spent the rest of the trip texting her and planning to meet up. I went home, he went to the destination, and meet up they did. They spent two days together having sex and hanging out there.

When he got home, he sat me down to show me a slideshow of all the pictures he took of his awesome trip. And of course, OW was just off-camera in many of them. Who does that? Really, I mean, who does that?

The best part? The city he went to with her was one he'd been wanting to take me, because he wanted us to retire there. Now I never want to go near it.

Dangerous Road

In April, I traveled to a dangerous country during a very politically dangerous and sensitive time (I was in North Korea during the nuke crisis this year). I was gone 2 nights and had no access to cell and internet. WH's parents were worried for me and kept their eyes on the news. My friends were worried for me. Hell, my acquaintances were worried for me. WH - not so much. Instead, he took advantage of the fact that I was going somewhere with no cell networks and brought OW to our house for the first time, banged her without a condom on the sofa and let her sleep over, knowing I couldn't call him.

The nasty-ass lunch

For some random reason, WH decided it would be a good idea to invite me to a lunch of about 6 people that he knew OW would be attending. I noticed during the lunch that OW giggled loudly at everything WH said. "Huh," I thought to myself, "she totally has a crush on him." I brought it up with him later that day. I told him OW had a crush on him, and that he needed to be careful with that. He first denied, then said, "Huh, maybe she does!" I then asked him why it was that she was always so rude to me in public, and never spoke to me, though she spent so much time talking to him. He said, "Well, you two are both hotheads. Two hotheads can't really get along."

Yeah. I guess that's why. Because I'm a "hothead". Not because, you know, you've been banging her for five months already.

There's more, of course, but that's all I can stomach today.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 12:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. I completely understand what you are feeling, and I don't have any words of comfort. Your H treated you horribly, and there is just no justification for that. I know how it feels to wake up married to a stranger - for a bit there, when all the truth was coming out so fast, I thought I had married a sociopath.

I have to shake my head a lot. Who does that?? Apparently a lot of people. I don't know if they ever truly grasp the magnitude of it, but as a BS I really do. I am so very sorry.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your words.

for a bit there, when all the truth was coming out so fast, I thought I had married a sociopath.

Funny, I called WH a sociopath during that process as well - had exactly the same thought.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H let OW wear the sweater I bought for him as a surprise gift, and had shipped to him all the way from Scotland. She wore it home, kept it, until he had to ask for it back. I don't know why that just hurt so badly.

He told me he would take care of our daughter's 16th birthday gift, that I didn't have to worry about it. First time that ever happened. I thought he was really investing as a parent. No. He gave OW a wad of cash and sent her to buy the gifts DD had asked for. She bought my daughter's birthday gifts. Who does that?

We were borrowing money from my dad to pay for groceries. I did not get a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift, because we had no money. I was extremely understanding and went out of my way to let him know that I did not care about 'things', I just wanted HIM. She got a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day, which she promptly lost. He was spending his pay and racking up credit card debt buying her lunches, dinners, groceries, jewelry, etc. We're still paying that off. That's hard to swallow.

I don't know how to let go of all those little things, except just to acknowledge them and be grateful that he valued the truth enough to tell me. He didn't have to tell me, but he did. He gave me the power to make a fully informed decision about my own life, knowing it could cost him everything. He told me who he really was. I wanted the truth and he gave it to me, and so I try not to punish him for that.

I really spend a lot of time and energy just putting my mind on other things, looking for whatever good I can salvage to focus on and reshape the narrative in my head. It's so, so, so hard.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@plainpain, Wow - OW bought your daughter's birthday present and more gifts than you did. That would burn me up.

You're right - I am grateful that WH had the guts to tell me some of the stuff that he did. That did take a lot of courage. I'm having trouble not punishing WH for those things, I need to work harder at that. But I just can't wrap my head around some of the horrible stuff he didn't stop to think about, you know? It's just, as my WH put it, a whole bunch of facets on a huge shit diamond.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I had to realize that one of the things I had to take responsibility for in our marriage was that I did not make a 'safe place' for him to tell me the truth. That's me, not saying that's you. I gave him the impression that I would die if I found out he was attracted to another woman. I'm sure I even said things like that once or twice... 'If you ever cheated on me, I would die/throw myself under a bus/kill you/kill myself/hate you forever'. I suppose I meant to inform him that cheating on me was something that would break my heart; I meant it to be preventative. It wasn't. He simply did not know how to tell me he was struggling with a porn addiction, that he was out of control.

So much damage could have been avoided if he had told me the full truth about the EA/bj, instead of trying to minimize it. Clearly he felt guilty and ashamed; there was no reason for him to tell me, except that he thought I had a right to know. It isn't my fault he chose to lie, to withhold, or to betray my trust. But if I want this whole marriage to be better than it was, I also have to be better than I was.

My H had become a compulsive liar in all of this; he lied so easily, it scared me. Finally telling/hearing the whole truth was really freeing for both of us. So for me, the biggest thing going forward is that we absolutely tell one another the truth, always, no matter how painful; we don't lie, we don't withhold information.

The deepest hurt in all of this is the deception and the lies that he told me. If I want the whole truth from him, I have to learn to receive it from him as graciously as I possibly can. It doesn't serve me in any way to punish him, if what I always wanted is what he's finally giving me. I cry, I say, 'That hurts sooo bad. Thank you for telling me the truth.' Sometimes I couldn't look at him for a long time after he would tell me something, and he knew I was working hard at not hating him. But I also knew that he respected my right to make an informed decision about my own life, and that in the long run it was the only way to come out the other side healthy.

The pain is greater than anything I have ever experienced. But I can honestly say that I know who my H is now. I know exactly who he is. I know who I'm sleeping with, I know what he's capable of, and I know that I am strong enough to leave him if he ever stops being truthful with me.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I did the opposite. I told him before he even started his affairs that an ONS wouldn't be a deal-breaker and was definitely something we could work through if he was honest with me about it. During the TT-ing, I gave him countless "safe spaces". He squandered them all with lies.

I agree, the lying hurt the most. When I got the whole truth, it was a HUGE relief. I thought I was done deconstructing after that, but turns out I'm not.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. I guess the reality is that they really just did not want to tell the truth, because they did not want to be stopped. Your story really resonated with me, and I just feel very sad. I don't understand what is with people. It is horrific to process having been treated so cruelly by the person you place the most trust in. You were treated very, very badly. You're in my thoughts.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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