Here are the ones that are making me crazy today:
Slideshow: The Two-Day Sexcation
We're avid travelers, and earlier this year, we were on vacation. He had more time off from work than I did, so we planned to go to one city together and spend some time with friends, then he would jump to another city and hang out on his own for a week before returning. When we were planning the whole trip, I'm the one who urged him to go exploring on his own, though I knew I'd miss him. I told him, "When was the last time you went on a trip without me? I always go places without you, it's your turn to explore." When we arrived at our first destination, I booked his tickets to Destination 2 with him. He found out soon after booking the tickets that OW was going to be there, too, and while on vacation with me, spent the rest of the trip texting her and planning to meet up. I went home, he went to the destination, and meet up they did. They spent two days together having sex and hanging out there.
When he got home, he sat me down to show me a slideshow of all the pictures he took of his awesome trip. And of course, OW was just off-camera in many of them. Who does that? Really, I mean, who does that?
The best part? The city he went to with her was one he'd been wanting to take me, because he wanted us to retire there. Now I never want to go near it.
In April, I traveled to a dangerous country during a very politically dangerous and sensitive time (I was in North Korea during the nuke crisis this year). I was gone 2 nights and had no access to cell and internet. WH's parents were worried for me and kept their eyes on the news. My friends were worried for me. Hell, my acquaintances were worried for me. WH - not so much. Instead, he took advantage of the fact that I was going somewhere with no cell networks and brought OW to our house for the first time, banged her without a condom on the sofa and let her sleep over, knowing I couldn't call him.
The nasty-ass lunch
For some random reason, WH decided it would be a good idea to invite me to a lunch of about 6 people that he knew OW would be attending. I noticed during the lunch that OW giggled loudly at everything WH said. "Huh," I thought to myself, "she totally has a crush on him." I brought it up with him later that day. I told him OW had a crush on him, and that he needed to be careful with that. He first denied, then said, "Huh, maybe she does!" I then asked him why it was that she was always so rude to me in public, and never spoke to me, though she spent so much time talking to him. He said, "Well, you two are both hotheads. Two hotheads can't really get along."
Yeah. I guess that's why. Because I'm a "hothead". Not because, you know, you've been banging her for five months already.
There's more, of course, but that's all I can stomach today.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 12:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
Prostitutes, ONSs, and one 7-month LTA (total time: 2 years). Have lost count of OPs, probably 12 or so. LTA was by far most damaging.
DDay 1: Aug 20, 2013
DDay 2: Aug 22, 2013
Whole truth: Sept 10, 2013
I have to shake my head a lot. Who does that?? Apparently a lot of people. I don't know if they ever truly grasp the magnitude of it, but as a BS I really do. I am so very sorry.
for a bit there, when all the truth was coming out so fast, I thought I had married a sociopath.
Funny, I called WH a sociopath during that process as well - had exactly the same thought.
He told me he would take care of our daughter's 16th birthday gift, that I didn't have to worry about it. First time that ever happened. I thought he was really investing as a parent. No. He gave OW a wad of cash and sent her to buy the gifts DD had asked for. She bought my daughter's birthday gifts. Who does that?
We were borrowing money from my dad to pay for groceries. I did not get a Valentine's gift or a birthday gift, because we had no money. I was extremely understanding and went out of my way to let him know that I did not care about 'things', I just wanted HIM. She got a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day, which she promptly lost. He was spending his pay and racking up credit card debt buying her lunches, dinners, groceries, jewelry, etc. We're still paying that off. That's hard to swallow.
I don't know how to let go of all those little things, except just to acknowledge them and be grateful that he valued the truth enough to tell me. He didn't have to tell me, but he did. He gave me the power to make a fully informed decision about my own life, knowing it could cost him everything. He told me who he really was. I wanted the truth and he gave it to me, and so I try not to punish him for that.
I really spend a lot of time and energy just putting my mind on other things, looking for whatever good I can salvage to focus on and reshape the narrative in my head. It's so, so, so hard.
You're right - I am grateful that WH had the guts to tell me some of the stuff that he did. That did take a lot of courage. I'm having trouble not punishing WH for those things, I need to work harder at that. But I just can't wrap my head around some of the horrible stuff he didn't stop to think about, you know? It's just, as my WH put it, a whole bunch of facets on a huge shit diamond.
So much damage could have been avoided if he had told me the full truth about the EA/bj, instead of trying to minimize it. Clearly he felt guilty and ashamed; there was no reason for him to tell me, except that he thought I had a right to know. It isn't my fault he chose to lie, to withhold, or to betray my trust. But if I want this whole marriage to be better than it was, I also have to be better than I was.
My H had become a compulsive liar in all of this; he lied so easily, it scared me. Finally telling/hearing the whole truth was really freeing for both of us. So for me, the biggest thing going forward is that we absolutely tell one another the truth, always, no matter how painful; we don't lie, we don't withhold information.
The deepest hurt in all of this is the deception and the lies that he told me. If I want the whole truth from him, I have to learn to receive it from him as graciously as I possibly can. It doesn't serve me in any way to punish him, if what I always wanted is what he's finally giving me. I cry, I say, 'That hurts sooo bad. Thank you for telling me the truth.' Sometimes I couldn't look at him for a long time after he would tell me something, and he knew I was working hard at not hating him. But I also knew that he respected my right to make an informed decision about my own life, and that in the long run it was the only way to come out the other side healthy.
The pain is greater than anything I have ever experienced. But I can honestly say that I know who my H is now. I know exactly who he is. I know who I'm sleeping with, I know what he's capable of, and I know that I am strong enough to leave him if he ever stops being truthful with me.
I agree, the lying hurt the most. When I got the whole truth, it was a HUGE relief. I thought I was done deconstructing after that, but turns out I'm not.