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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH said: "There's nothing more to talk about"
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cool Sisoon...I get more what you are saying.

mchercheur...I see how abandonment issues are a part of you as well. As Sisoon says...nothing to be embarrassed about and there are methods to overcome their hold on you.

Card, I like what you say. I have read about Cognitive Short Term Therapy
(believe I got that term right) where they skip all the back story, avoid FOO issues all together...and simply work on the here and now. If a technique works to solve a particular conflict, it becomes a part of the couples interactions. If it fails to resolve a conflict in a short amount of time (days or weeks) that technique is abandoned and a new one found.

It has caught my interest....but I live in a rural part of Missouri....and those therapist that specialize in this type of therapy are hours away....simply not an option for us to do on a regular basis.

So I am hopeful my choice to investigate my FOO issues is not a waste of time...so far it has helped me recognize and change parts of me. But I totally see how a person can get stuck in self-examination mode.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, but what if the WS doesn't want to look at anything?

As 20Wrongs said...you can lead a horse to water......

If your WH doesn't want to *look* at anything and feels that he is fine, then the ball is now in your court. Are you fine with the current status quo? You cannot force him to change (as you've realized). Sometimes changing yourself will have the effect of causing 'others' to have to change, but at the end of the day.....you can only control yourself. And you have to make your decisions accordingly.

M, it all comes down to letting go of and not trying to 'direct' the outcome. Today, he is who is he is. Is that satisfactory to you?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8090 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I happen to be in the middle on this subject. I learned the hard way that you can not force someone to change or even analyse their past. I do however get where the need to know comes from. For us knowing the type of childhood my H had helped me to understand his thinking and to have compassion and understanding for why he did what he did. It not only helped him but me in my healing process.

My H probably didn't get as much out of his childhood analysis as I did, but he did get to see patterns in his behavior that he wanted to correct. He only looked for some small reason behind his behavior and thinking. He choose to focus on change his thinking and behavior. Being aware of potential problems and having plans put in place if thoughts or situations arise.

If your H is willing to focus on what my H did and look directly at in the now thoughts and actions and willing to change, is that really a problem. It's called behavioral therapy. It is very effective in changing how you think and act. You know that saying fake it till you make it. It really does work. It just takes great discipline and self-awareness.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well thought out and stated Heartache again. Thanks!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it all comes down to letting go of and not trying to 'direct' the outcome. Today, he is who is he is. Is that satisfactory to you?

For today it is. But I don't feel very safe about what may happen tomorrow.


but he did get to see patterns in his behavior that he wanted to correct.

I would be happy with even just this

(Our MC & my IC are behavioral therapists)


Being aware of potential problems and having plans put in place if thoughts or situations arise.

He says he is starting to do this, but the future will tell; it is for sure that he will be tested in the future.


You know that saying fake it till you make it.

I've been doing that, carrying the load, since the day he moved back home, & plan to continue to do that for now, hoping he will man up & take the Lion's share.

Last night we talked again. I said "So, you have your whole life up until this moment figured out,you know why your whole life went the way it did, don't need to look at anything again?".

He went upstairs & thought about it & came back down & said "Maybe I should go to counseling alone this week."

Finally! Thats a first.
Slow as molasses baby steps.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's gives just enough to satisfy you and give you hope. Be careful that he's not just placating you again.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur,

I think I owe you an apology. The post in which I reframed my original question should have been a PM to blakesteele, and I just don't know why I didn't think of it when I wrote it. (This, too, would have been a PM, but your mailbox is full.)

If someone asked me the same question twice, I'd be upset. I'd think the questioner was impugning my honesty, but there are many other reasons to be upset besides that.

I'm very sorry to have questioned your first answer. My intention was only to show that I could have asked my question better, not that there was any issue at all with your answer.

I'm very glad your H sees that C might help him. Speaking from experience, I know some people who are as slow as molasses change for the better.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't worry Sisoon!
I have to tell you that I regard you as one of the wisemen on this site, & always carefully read your posts. I realize that I wasn't clear when I started this thread. I truly appreciate any insights you have.
I had better go clear out my mailbox I guess.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"We've gone thru this already. I know I made a terrible mistake & I've learned from it.
I don't see any point in looking at my childhood anymore."

I think we may be in a similar situation. My FWH was sexually abused as a child when he was 5...he had never spoken about it to anyone so it was something he kept inside and struggled with. He recently went to IC but on his on terms and timing. His parents also had a bad relationship. His dad cheated all the time and his mom is still there...and openly calls herself a doormat. They've been together for over 35 years...it's just the way men deal with things I think...

I once heard a quote that says: "Women always look to the past to try and understand their future. Men are different. They keep their eyes fixed forward and just keep pushing. They don't need to look back to see where they are going."


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He went upstairs & thought about it & came back down & said "Maybe I should go to counseling alone this week."

Finally! Thats a first.
Slow as molasses baby steps

I hope he fallows through. It is a very long process and focus on these baby steps. If you look at everything as a whole you will feel like you are making no progress at all.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH said he had nothing to talk about

He's rug sweeping.

There is no way that he doesn't have things to talk about. He's just not ready, and he's not being forthcoming.

You can't force it, but you can be prepared for the recognition that people who do not learn about why they do things tend to repeat the pattern, again, and again, and again.

If you don't understand where you came from, you don't realize the direction you are headed.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the replies.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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