Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has anyone ever?
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently please....has anyone ever used a third party to meet with OW and "broker" a post A agreement? My H and I are working on R. One huge hinderence to my healing is the continued presence of OW. Due to NC she has taken advantage of our silence and continues to go about making friends in our community, still using contacts made through H to further herself and circles around socially. It has gotten to the point that stay home from things I used to enjoy. I know I should not but it has almost become a way of life.

I think MC would agree to meet and mediate. I really do not want to hear about the A from her. I just want somebody to tell her to stay away and get on with her life away from us. Before the A she did not even come into our community because she considered it snobby and elitist. Now, she is everywhere.

We have the house up for sale, but why should I move from friends and family? My family has lived here since 1965.

My husband changed careers and works out of another city to lessen the chance of running into her. Yet, she has escalated her involvement in our area to the point I feel suffocated by her.

I hate my life. Having a really bad day.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 2:28 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm
I haven't, and I don't think I would.

She doesn't care about you or your R, your marriage.

Inviting her into your MC would allow her insight into your world and your pain. If she is manipulating her way into your social circle she will more than likely get off on this.

IMO all you can do is keep going to your events, functions, places she is trying to invade.

I know it's hard, but don't allow her to take anything more from you. Do NOT sit home and let her win this. You deserve your friends, you deserve your places for fun and socializing.

Don't let her push you out of your own life. She will eventually get tired the antics not bothering you and go away.

Get your back-up ready, rehearse with your H how you will combat these events together.

Hold your head up, get the big girl panties on and show her you will not be bullied into leaving your own life.

Just MO


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only ways to stop her for sure are, I think, illegal.

If she approaches you or your H or your family, I imagine a restraining order would help a lot, but what you describe sounds legal.

Have you outed the A? That might make people shy away from her, but it's not foolproof.

It sounds like she's not ashamed of what she's done, so I don't see how mediation would work.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10083 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, we have not outed the A. My 80's something mother lives nearby and it would kill her. Our young adult children are out of the house. One just starting her family and the other just starting life with the one he will marry. It was my decision to not stain their lives. Not to protect my H, but to let them start their lives without our crap on them.

Other than IC/MC, we told one other person. The next week I saw a picture on her FB page of her inside OW house. That was a huge betrayal. I knew OW had been around her, but I asked her if they were friends and if she had been to OW house and she said no. This was a trusted friend. I think this episode has triggered my fears as much as the A.

My H would support me in her presence and we have rehearsed what to do when together. The trouble is when I see her by myself.

Whether or not she would feel power from a third party meeting, I am not sure. The IC was very strongly in my corner concerning the A. Think Shirley Glass in male form. I guess I just hope he would give her a chewing that I cannot due to our NC. I need someone other than us to call her out and tell her what she is doing is wrong on many levels. God, that sounds pathetic.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, honey, you're delusional if you think you can do anything to effect her behavior, either personally or by proxy. You'd be much better off getting support and treatment to change your behavior and attitude to take back your life and not let the OW force you into solitary confinement.

It sucks, but it can be done. Loving yourself is the first step. I wish you the best.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a huge betrayal. I knew OW had been around her, but I asked her if they were friends and if she had been to OW house and she said no. This was a trusted friend. I think this episode has triggered my fears as much as the A.

You may need to revaluate your friends.

We actually don't have the same friends anymore. We found a new circle and it was huge for us. My great grandparents built my house in the 30's. I wanted to move too...screw that. Take back your life.

When you see her alone you act as though she is nothing, you walk by and don't engage. YOU did nothing wrong here, don't hide.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I know what to do. Doing it is another story. I know I did nothing wrong. I feel like the little girl with glasses who keeps getting bullied by the mean girl. I need to step up for myself.

FYI. I have not spoken to "friend" since I saw the picture and she has not called to see why. That's all I need to know about that.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has gotten to the point that stay home from things I used to enjoy. I know I should not but it has almost become a way of life.

Gently, what are you afraid of out in the world?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies_first...that is a good question.

I can get in the car, go nearly to the end of the street and I physically get ill. My heart pounds, my stomach turns, my IBS kicks in and I feel light headed. I have to race home. Not a pretty sight or feeling. I have anxiety meds I can take but I hate that.

So, any of you that come in contact with the OW on a regular basis have positive techniques or positive stories to deal with it? With or without your H present?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have never run into OW and the chances are low we ever will.

I did work with an IC though to learn steps to help me when I became anxious or angry about the OW. The thoughts were disrupting my ability to focus and live my life. The IC I met with used EFT but I have also seen others talk about EMDR being helpful to them. Don't know if you've looked into any of these but it might help give you some effective tools so you can drive anywhere you want anytime without the symptoms you are experiencing.

This is your town, your community and your life.....the OW is nobody...she is nothing but a hole...and I mean that figuratively and literally.....


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Mar 2010
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You either need to find another social circle or out the A to this social circle. I would think others in the social circle would like to know what kind of person OW is. They are being deceived by her games.


I still see OW #1 at some stuff in town. Her children are the same age as mine. It was one of her ways of getting into my life. I saw her this last Saturday at my 8 year old son's football game. After seeing him play I know it won't be very long before the boy quits. I did get some pleasure knowing her new H was not with her. She was pretty much all alone.


I use to dread going to town just in case I would see her. I once ran into her in the bathroom. It took everything I had not to punch her right in the face. Now I don't care. I have seen how the years have treated her. She is pathetic as always. No real friends because they all don't trust her. The anxiety gets less as time goes by.


My biggest helper was having a community that supported me. She was told not to attend our church. She would show up there when my H wanted nothing to do with her. Mutual friends know what happened and are warned about her.Seek out support if you can from close friends who will be your advocate when dealing with her.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 10:51 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LYM...this is really affecting your physical health. I agree with the others, you can't make her do anything. I think this is something that your going up have to deal with in yourself. I was nervous the first
time I had to see ow, but I kept telling myself, he's standing by me, she's the odd one out. Your ws sounds like he's really doing the right things and the fact that he changed careers speaks volumes regarding his commitment to you. Hold your head high, she's the pathetic loser.
He dumped her like the trash she is.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:18 AM, October 28th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5039 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, any of you that come in contact with the OW on a regular basis have positive techniques or positive stories to deal with it?

Try EMDR Therapy to help with your Post-Traumatic Stress.

((Lovedyoumore))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this would work. She clearly has no shame or regret by the way she's behaving. Telling her how much this bothers you would just fuel the fire imo.

What if you outed her to all these people she's trying to hob nob with??


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.