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User Topic: fu foo!
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I have to fight to not be who I was raised to be.

There are 2 people living inside of me. The one who is good and kind and sees the bright side of everything, the soul I was meant to be, IMO.

Then there is the demon. The one I know isn’t “real” has been created from time, trauma and circumstances.

But that demon can be so difficult. It pops in every once in a while, lets you know it’s still inside. It invites me to damage my heart, mind and soul. Wants me to be mean, selfish and hurtful.

I struggle, still with this. I know the two exist. I choose to walk with the good side, the thankful side, the loving, true to me and my family person that I was born to be. I don’t know why the demons that were instilled in me can be stronger than the good I want to be.

It reminds me to be aware, cautious of my words, my thoughts and my actions. I am grateful I get the chance to see the truth and the light inside. I strive to be that person.

But there are still days I struggle with it…

Thanks FOO!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:03 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does it pop in? What wakes it up? Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Taking things too serious?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2424 | Registered: Aug 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((karma)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34752 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up this morning Chicho and it was clear.

It's a big, fat, snowball-rolling, mountain of stress.

Not A related, just life. I have reverted back to some old ways of coping over the last month or two and I think this may be my wake up call.

I need to deal with this issue better and right now I am not sure how.

At least I am aware, I guess.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this feeling very well and agree that it can stem from stress, fwiw.

One thing I do when it comes is, absolutely nothing. Then I take time out and put away communication devices so I don't chance a mistake.

I find when the Demon comes it's often when I'm likely to break NC, to say anything cruel I can think of, do you ever have that?

So I get away from those devices and try to exercise the energy away.

A nice IC said this could be a way of trying to seek justice that I have, by wanting to hurt him as he hurt me. But what I understand now, too, is that he didn't care about me in order to do what he did, so it won't matter if I lash out and will just hurt me.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if something was up with you coming back after being away for a bit.

Its been nice to see you back but I was worried.

Don't know the specifics but whatever the stress stems from I always try to break it down into its smallest bites. They seem easier to swallow.

(((Karma)))


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2424 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if something was up with you coming back after being away for a bit.

See that, ya leave for 2 months and life takes a nose-dive lol.

It just goes to show you, the best collective wisdom, even non-A stuff...is right here on SI.

Thanks Chicho.

I am trying to take things slowly and navigate these new waters with the "new" me. Sometimes it gets over-whelming and old habits creep in.

I was just happy when I woke up this morning. The answers were right there. I just had to open my eyes.

YAY for years of IC...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma,

Are you still in IC? I find that when I'm getting overwhelmed with life stuff, an IC tune up helps tremendously. Less than a year ago I went for a couple of sessions and things got less heavy. I just needed to get it out, and a refresher/reminder of all the tools I've learned really helped!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34752 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AN

I just started again.

It's weird, I don't know about others, but everything you learn in IC isn't just second nature, KWIM? If I let my guard down I can become the old me again without blinking an eye. I have to stay aware and focused when there is an issue ahead of me. I think I got a little ahead of myself and just expected these new "tools" to kick in, but no, I had to implement them...does that make sense?

I guess 40 years of being who you were groomed to be doesn't just go away because you now have your eyes opened.

Thanks Ashland..I don't have NC issues, but saying the wrong thing can definitely come into play when I am not careful. I want to pull up all my walls and make sure nobody comes too close. It's something I have been learning slowly that even after the A issues have run it's course that individual healing and growth is a life-long process!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:17 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean. Just recently LD had to say to me, "So all those tools you've learned in the years of IC, you're just going to forget about them?" This wasn't A related, it was DS related. I was going back to old thinking just like that!

I was like, "Oh shit! He's right!" And I had to do a reboot of sorts.

I'm glad you're doing this for you .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34752 | Registered: Sep 2007
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then there is the demon. The one I know isn’t “real” has been created from time, trauma and circumstances.

For taming the demon, I found great insight and comfort in the following book:

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5617 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This wasn't A related, it was DS related. I was going back to old thinking just like that!

Helloooo!!! Yes.

At least twice (that I will choose to remember lol) my husband has had to reel me in.He had to ask me to let go of something with DS and has tried to gently remind me that I am walking too close to something I have no control over. I think I might have then subconsciously started to pull away thinking "I got this"....yeah, I got nothing...I need help.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Harden!!

I just used the handy link to the left of my screen and ordered this off of Amazon.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles L. Whitfield

Thanks!!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..(((((karma))))))

..hey, wassup karma?? sorry to hear you've got stress that's causing you trouble.

..I hope you're not stressing over your Bruins losing on Saturday night!!!

..or was it that crazy call by the umpire in that Red Sox loss.

..seriously, i hope you can put things right with those demons. I think we all have them lurking in our minds and they can make an appearance when you least expect them.

..i'll PM you to unload a doozie of a situation i'm currently dealing with.. OMG, you won't believe it!!!!

..take care of yourself eh!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um SMY....

You are just buttering me up cuz you are worried about a little bet you might just lose.

I think we all have them lurking in our minds and they can make an appearance when you least expect them.

See, this is where I fail. I always think everyone else is just able to nip things in the bud. Then there I go thinking I can too and reality comes and smacks me upside the head.

Maybe it's just a gentle reminder that I am human and need to cut myself the same slack I give others.


I hope you are not going through anything difficult


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((karmahappens)) I am so glad you are back on here and that you posted this looking for help, support, a path that makes sense.

You have been a wonderful support for me and from all the posts here you are respected and liked.

I know that doesn't make your issue any easier but we are rooting for you!

Wishing you well.
LA

t/j: I got a kick out of SMY's use of, "eh". Thought I was the only Canadian on here who uses it when writing too.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LA (((hugs)))

SMY makes me laugh too.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 17

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