Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: BellaBoo (44915)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I doing the right thing here? Quick Feel like a hard-ass...
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gonna, I know how difficult that must have been. I think you handled it beautifully.

I agree...this parenting crap ain't for sissies!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37569 | Registered: Sep 2007
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work very hard to keep stbx's issues 'separate' when I deal with times that the kids display those attributes. Lying, sneaking, etc..... They are kids and, to some extent, they are just going to 'do' those things. I kinda see it as a 'healthy' thing for them to push boundaries and test limits. Remaining *mindful* when deciding on their consequences has helped me to not over-react and freak out on them in certain situations.

The only hard and fast 'rule' in my house is *don't take advantage of the freedom and trust that I give you*. Be where you say you will be, with who you have told me you're going to be with and be home when you say you will be. If any of those things change, I need to know about it (and no, that doesn't mean that if a different kid joins the group that I expect to be updated about the addition.....).
And the new rule, apparently, is DON'T TAKE MY SHIT without telling me!

Thanks guys.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8002 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm late to this thread, and I have pretty strong feelings, so take this or leave it. I think a lot of opportunities were missed here, especially if, as you said, he's really a good kid.

When he brought the smaller TV home, why did you not care that he left it at his father's place? (I'm not sure what happened because you didn't explain how the TV made it back into the bedroom in your house.) In the eyes of a somewhat entitled late teen (you're paying for everything...), this set the stage for 'she really doesn't care about the TV"

You did embarrass him in front of his roommates even if you didn't make a scene. As knolls pointed out, this will do some significant damage to your relationship, probably down the road because he doesn't want to lose his free ride.

It's been my experience that letting a young adult know how disappointed you are in their behavior makes a bigger impression than treating them like toddlers. I base this on raising a son myself who was a 'really good kid'; he did stupid things once in a while, they were teaching moments, and we moved on.

I'm also one of those people who doesn't like my stuff touched; but I picked my battles differently. I hope this works for you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he brought the smaller TV home, why did you not care that he left it at his father's place? (I'm not sure what happened because you didn't explain how the TV made it back into the bedroom in your house.) In the eyes of a somewhat entitled late teen (you're paying for everything...), this set the stage for 'she really doesn't care about the TV

The larger TV has been in his room at the house for a couple of years. The smaller TV was one that we had bought for my dad. My dad died, so we brought the TV home and set it up in the office. It was really just an 'extra' TV that we didn't need.

The TV issue first arose last year before he left for school. He assumed that he would be taking the bigger TV that was in his room. I told him that I was ok with him taking a TV, but that he would be taking the smaller one. So he knew that he had *permission* to use the smaller TV.

According to him, and I didn't ask too many questions, sometime after he came home for the summer, he took it upon himself to bring the smaller TV over here, set it up in his room, and took the larger TV over to his dad's -- where he set it up in his bedroom over there. Without informing anyone -- me or his dad.

He knew that I would *care* about this if I knew about it. Trust me on that one. He knew.

If this had been an *original* issue where he had taken the TV using the *assumption* that it was his -- then I would have just had the *I'm disappointed and upset that you didn't run this by me first* talk with him.

But this was a deliberate deception because he didn't want to give me the opportunity to tell him no. If he is embarrassed, then it's his to own. He'll either be pissed with me for taking *his* TV or he'll end up saying "well shit, I wish I wouldn't have gone about getting the TV that way."

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 6:35 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8002 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sammie
♀ Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you totally did the right thing.

I guess it all boils down to this: He believes that is what is yours, is his. He is entitled to have whatever you own - any by any means necessary. He truly feels that if you have something and he wants it, it *should* be his and you *should* hand it over willingly.

He needs a job. Everything is coming to easily to him and he does not understand the value of it.

If he had to go out and earn the money for a big tv - he would understand. Same thing with his education and the trip to China.

He needs to start contributing financially to the life he leads. At 19, that is not an unreasonable expectation.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 45
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.