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User Topic: Still killing my marriage
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Stop  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last thread touches on the hell I unleashed here over the past couple days.

Things are through the roof. And I don't have a handle on anything. I cant even support my wife right. I still snap in anger,

She's feeling trapped. She will not go through with a divorce, because it would ruin the kids and she just doesn't want to put them through custody shuffling. She's very serious in this. And I'm inclined to agree that it saves them from the worst of a divorce. I just don't know the other unintended consequences.

I only bring that up again, because she has said that she doesn't want this marriage. I really do think she would sign papers if she could accept other terms for the kids. I only say this to drive home how done she is. And I know nothing is done until it's done.

Overnight, she said i was a narcissist. We both wiki'd NPD. And shes right. and that makes me pure evil. and i cant even begin to know what to do about it.

I will to support her through this. outcome be damned. I still think theres hope for something, but that's slipping through my fingers. And I just need help. I dont know anything. I'm so sad and confused. and i cant see straight.

I asked her what I was doing wrong. Blameshifting, minimizing, and making it about me. And she can't forgive the extent of my lies and betrayal. How on earth could she? I've done so much protecting myself, it isn't really forgiveable. I don't want this to be a battle. I don't think I've gotten off to a good start. I feel like apologizing just sounds empty. I feel like I'm bullying her. Like I have some right to hold her and comfort her and tell her how sorry I am. She's repulsed. I'm not going to be overbearing.

My head is spinning! I need help.


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still snap in anger

Why?


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
Broken1213
♀ New Member
Member # 39613
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may continue to be angry, but snapping in anger is not the solution. Again, like others have said in previous posts, be there for her, be the best husband, one that you want to be. If that's what you want. It sounds like you keep bringing up the fact that she wants out, do you want out? Are you looking for an out and trying to blame her for it? If not you have to prove to her that you are worth out. If you can't handle her anger, than R will not work. Only YOU can decide your next steps. I think I read that you are in IC. When is your next appt? Try to make one ASAP! GL to you.


WW (me) 33
BS 37
Working towards recovery after an EA

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful to slap the narcissist label on yourself.

See an IC, get diagnosed. Than if that's the case, get help.

I know what you mean that apologizing sounds empty. But if you mean it, it's not. Keep doing it.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

Why do I snap in anger? I on't know. It isn't healthy. at. all. I have to find a better way to not feel attacked.

I get how me bringing up her wanting out can be construed as me wanting out. Nothing is further from the truth. I get stuck in this mental trap of what she says, and what people here say. They seem to conflict. Being a better father and husband is my goal. It just seems selfish or just stupid to not hear how much she doesn't want any of it.

I haven't been in IC. But I just booked an appointment for Monday. I wish I could go right now. I have only SI for feedback right now.


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok first and foremost, do NOT self-diagnose yourself. Are you in IC? If not, go. Talk to them about your concerns. But do not just take off and run with something you googled. It's kinda like WebMDing your cold symptoms. It's just a cold. But if you WebMD that sucker, next thing you know, you have brain cancer, paralysis of the pinky finger, and some random disease that is from the deep jungles of India. Professional opinion first. Go from there.

Second. Sloooowwwww down. Take a deep breath. If your wife is done, the marriage is dead, and she's only staying for the kids, then fine. Now take a breath, look in the mirror, and SLOWLY figure out a plan. What are you going to do first? I suggest starting here:

Why do I snap in anger?
I don't know.
That's not the answer. If you don't know why, find out. Dig in. When she talks to you, what is going thru your mind, what are you feeling, why do you open up your mouth and say something stupid, knowing it will only escalate the situation.

You're in a blind, raging, damage control panic. You're not going to get anywhere that way. You screwed up. Now chill the heck out, and figure out a plan to fix YOU and YOUR CRAP.

You can do it. SIers can help.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You always impress me with your answers, Aubrie.

I think she's right, Mr.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 291 | Registered: Oct 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last thread touches on the hell I unleashed here over the past couple days.
Things are through the roof. And I don't have a handle on anything. I cant even support my wife right. I still snap in anger,

You're in panic mode. STOP!

When your emotions are over running your intellect, that's called INSANITY! STOP!


She's feeling trapped.

She's Not!

She will not go through with a divorce, because it would ruin the kids and she just doesn't want to put them through custody shuffling. She's very serious in this.

It's a choice she has made. It's OK, it's her choice!


And I'm inclined to agree that it saves them from the worst of a divorce. I just don't know the other unintended consequences.

It's still a choice for you too. I believe it's a wise choice to stay and work it through.

I only bring that up again, because she has said that she doesn't want this marriage.

She's deeply wounded and has shut down.... This will likely change if you can change!


I really do think she would sign papers if she could accept other terms for the kids. I only say this to drive home how done she is. And I know nothing is done until it's done.

So get rid of this thought process and focus on what you have to work with!

Overnight, she said i was a narcissist. We both wiki'd NPD. And shes right. and that makes me pure evil. and i cant even begin to know what to do about it.

I wish I had a nickle for everytime I've seen this posted! Good Grief, a narcissist wouldn't be on a forum asking for help.... lol

I will to support her through this. outcome be damned.

2x4 comin', duck. Then prove it through your actions instead of your self pity.


I still think theres hope for something, but that's slipping through my fingers.

That's self pity! Stop It!

And I just need help. I dont know anything. I'm so sad and confused. and i cant see straight.

Again with the "Poor Me's". It's not flattering for you to appear lost when you do know many things you need to do!

I IM'ed a ton of suggestions to you..... Don't play the I don't know what to do CARD.

I asked her what I was doing wrong. Blameshifting, minimizing, and making it about me

OK, so STOP IT!


And she can't forgive the extent of my lies and betrayal. How on earth could she? I've done so much protecting myself, it isn't really forgiveable.

Again with the self pity.


I don't want this to be a battle.

Then don't make it one! This isn't that difficult, you have been in a recovery for a while and know what you had to do the first time through, you're not a novice at this so don't act like one..... You are going to have to DOUBLE DOWN on your efforts.


I don't think I've gotten off to a good start. I feel like apologizing just sounds empty.

Recovery dosn't work well based on feeling. You must provide concrete actions!
And PLEASE, STOP apologizing and start doing! Your actions will display your remorse.


I feel like I'm bullying her. Like I have some right to hold her and comfort her and tell her how sorry I am.

That's because you are!
Again, stop apologizing and start an action plan.

She's repulsed.

And you're surprised? Come on Mrhurt, this is a normal reaction to the level of pain she feels right now. The key words 'right now'...... This will pass.


I'm not going to be overbearing.

I hope you follow thru on this promise.
The compassion gene seems to be missing from your genome right now, but I promise, it's really in there..... Find it and use it!

My head is spinning! I need help.

Do you want sympathy or help?
I think you want some of both, but the sympathy ain't happening from me.... But as you saw from my long,IM, i'm willing to offer help.....


As has already been said, take a breath..... Then start the marathon. You think you can do a 100 yrd dash, and that just ain't gonna happen friend.


Saying a prayer for you and your family!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie - I know self diagnosis is not a good idea. And I still find myself doing it to really try to understand what has made me do such horrendous things to my wife. How is any of that ever possible when you love somebody?

I'm working on what makes me react in anger. It's horrible coping. I know my mom always reacted the same way, but that's just learned behavior. And that's not really why. I lash out when I feel very bad about myself. When my wife says something that hurts, it feels like I need to get even. To bring her down. I've done it for a long time. At it's horrible. We have had that dynamic since we were in High School. And it sucks. I've always let her get close, then pushed her away. And she's stuck through it for a very long time. And it's tearing me apart. It's so damn shocking to look back so much and see just what a demon I've been.

You're right, I need to slow down. I posted earlier right after waking from a short sleep, into the most strange, disorienting, deep blackness that I couldn't even form a thought. Just shake and sob. And I really wanted to die. I've felt some horrible deep sorrow before, but this was alarming. I don't want to overdramatize. That said, I posted in a VERY panicky place.

As for fixing myself and my crap. I need to. I'm just feeling so lost at the enormity of all I've done. I have an IC appointment set for Monday.


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now I will REALLY sound stupid. I really don't know what "actions" I need to take. Obviously, there's simple stuff. She's asked that I keep her life from falling apart by taking care of everything around the house. Taking care of our girls. This is a no-brainer. And is being met. I respond to her texts. Promptly. Also, no-brainer. I let her know what I'm doing or where I'm going. This isn't the "action" I think is needed. I made time and space for her to lay down and sleep/rest with the bedroom door closed. This is all considerate action. Not actions that show my sincerity. I've made an IC appt. Somebody hit me please.

Card - I'm going through your PM currently.


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's all surface stuff. Anyone can do that.

Go deeper.

Figure out who you are and why you do what you do.

Have you figured out why you cheated on your wife?

Have you figured out your thought processes and dug into them?

What have you done as far as healthy choices? I'm not talking about taking the kids to the park for exercise and having salad for dinner. I mean mental health choices. Choices that are good not only for you, but the entire family dynamic. A healthy you can impact everyone you come into contact with.

Dig into you mrhurt. Not for your wife, not for your kids. Not for your IC. Dig into you, for you. If you wake up tomorrow morning and your entire family is gone, you're still stuck with you. Do you like that guy? If not, change him.

That is being active. Discovering you, healing you, changing you, put the new you into action.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:38 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's asked that I keep her life from falling apart by taking care of everything around the house. Taking care of our girls. This is a no-brainer.

And you're deflecting here. If it's such a "no-brainer," then why weren't you doing it before? Why does she have cause for concern that the house won't be kept up, or that the girls won't be taken care of? (HINT: These are questions you should at least be using to probe deeper into your motives and the underlying causes of your betrayal in order to heal yourself.)

Actions that show sincerity are a tip of the iceberg, and in the BS mind, they either show you're making progress toward healing everything OR that you're trying to be extra-special-diddums nice to cover something shameful up, depending on the day and how she's feeling.

There's no "magic pill" here. And you're not going to be rewarded for us for doing what you ought to have been doing all along, anyway. You can't "fix" the situation. Doesn't happen, can't happen, won't happen - at least, not overnight, which is probably fairly close to what you're experiencing in the back recesses of your monkey brain.

"Oh, but can't she see how I've changed? Can't she see how different I am now? My motives improved?"

Buddy, I'm almost a year out, and I still deal with a back-and-forth on this. Some days, my BS is really grateful that I've improved. Others, she thinks I'm still doing it to cover something up and/or lead her into a trap. On yet others, she doesn't give a rat's ass about how "Good" I've been (rightly so), because "it shouldn't have happened in the first place."

If you really ARE NPD, then chances are part of this outreach is a desperate cry for attention, validation, and "ego kibbles." I'm not going to give you any, because I was a Narcissist who was involved with someone who had Defcon-1 Levels of NPD.

If you're this lost, then you're probably not looking at the right part of the problem: something inside you is broken, and your own coping mechanisms and learned behaviors are preventing you from dealing with it properly.

Seek help.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lash out when I feel very bad about myself.

Are you sure? I think you lash out because you like to and this is the perfect excuse to do so. You get something out of it.

When my wife says something that hurts, it feels like I need to get even.

Who else do you need to get even with? Who else do you respond this way to?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6083 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

Don't have a lot if time to respond, but I have some things.

I'm a very selfish person. I have always been. It's becoming more obvious in how I've treated every relationship. I absolutely hate it. This is not something I like when I look in the mirror. It has to change. It poisons everybody.


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now I will REALLY sound stupid. I really don't know what "actions" I need to take. Obviously, there's simple stuff. She's asked that I keep her life from falling apart by taking care of everything around the house. Taking care of our girls. This is a no-brainer. And is being met. I respond to her texts. Promptly. Also, no-brainer. I let her know what I'm doing or where I'm going. This isn't the "action" I think is needed. I made time and space for her to lay down and sleep/rest with the bedroom door closed. This is all considerate action. Not actions that show my sincerity.


She was very SPECIFIC about what she asked you for, wasn't she?

Yet you disrespect her by minimizing it and suggesting that it's not really what she needs.... That somehow it's not an action that shows your sincerity....

Look, if she had been hit by a Mac Truck and needed to be cared for, what do you think she would need?

Answer this and you'll be 'doing' the right things today.

HINT; She already told you the answer!

Your wife is in critical condition and needs life saving efforts of care given to her. The notion that YOU need the healing right now is just ridiculous when you examine it from this perspective. You weren't the one hit by the big Mac Truck, you were just the one driving it!

Get up and 'lovingly' do what she poured out that she needs right now....

2x4 - Get off your ass, put your big boy pants on and start acting like the man God created you to be. Love, Honor and Cherish your wife today in the ways she has asked!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
mrhurt314
♂ New Member
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I think it's time to step back. I tried to talk to my W this evening about where we are (a much heated topic of today) This turned into a rapid escalation of her anger. And I expect emotions. Many of them. I think my cue that this isn't heading in the remotely right direction was the explosive lashing out. This has already happened another time in the last few days. And both were a natural outpouring of her deep pain and anger and well placed desire to communicate that hurt to me. It just means I need to let things cool off.

I think the fix my crap because the marriage is dead is ringing quite true. I have an IC appointment on Monday, which I'm very much looking forward to. And I might go silent until I have that experience. I'm looking at this all wrong, and I appreciate all the input.

[This message edited by mrhurt314 at 4:24 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]


FWH 36
BW 35

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2011
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, a few days of watching your victim struggle and you're giving up on her...

I'm really amazed that you think your wife is in any condition to discuss the condition of the marriage or anything else.... What really made you want to bring up this discussion?

So did you offer all the care she asked for yesterday? Or did you have other plans?


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If by "go silent" you mean to give her the silent treatment, i think that would be a mistake.
Is there anything she still doesn't know about the affair? Are you still lashing out in anger?


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If by "go silent" you mean to give her the silent treatment.....

I'm beginning to think he just meant going silent on the forums......

I see this on other forums, they don't post too much because they know their spouse is reading. They do the CYA dance....

Openness & transparency must become a commitment before recovery can really begin!

Regretfully, MrsHurt is suffering from being played as a fool for two years. She was likely just starting to trust her own instincts again and then the proverbial other shoe drops..... My heart goes out to her, I just hope MrHurts heart starts going out for her too..... It must be gut wrenching for her to be back to week one again....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 19

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